missing Kenyon.. so badly.

The greatest gift of all

Have you ever wonder how it feels

I wished I still could speak it :(

I miss speaking French. I swear to God I once spoke that sexy language, pretty fluently! I took a year-long intense course of French at Kenyon College during my Freshman year. Twas hard yet fun-- doing french twice a day, moday-friday for the whole year. Randomly open my usb data (ppl here call it flash disk), I found my old essays. One of them is my french writing, dated on September 28th, 2007. I was young and excited of being a student of such prestigeous University like Kenyon :)


Une Description Personnel

Allo! Je m’appelle Angel Mogie. Je suis d’origine l'Indonésie mais j’étudie aux États-Unis. Mon l’université est Kenyon Université à Gambier, dans l’Ohio, aux Etats-Unis. C’est une université très bonne et belle et j’aime habiter à université. Les professeurs et les amis sont brillants et indépendants mais non égoïstes.
J’ai cinq cours. Ce sont la biologie, le laboratoire de biologie, le français, la musique et le chœur de chambre. Mes cours ne sont pas faciles. Le français est très difficile mais j’adore la langue. Le laboratoire de biologie est difficile aussi et c’est pourquoi j’aime mieux la biologie. La biologie n’est pas facile mais aussi c’est n’est pas très difficile. C’est important et utile. J’aime la musique et le chœur de chambre parce que j’adore chanter beaucoup.
J’aime écouter la musique beaucoup. Norah Jones, Jack Johnson et Joseph Jaffar sont de très bons chanteurs. Aussi, j’aime manger, voyager et retrouver les nouveaux amis. Je n’aime pas regarder la télévision mais j’aime regarder un film avec mes amis.



seriously, I didn't use online dictionary at all when I worte this!

It's really not about the gifts-- it's the love attached

Originally I was thinking about writing a personal gratitude of having the chance to experience much more love, excitement, friendship, life journey, tears of joy and happiness, family moments, travellings, good food, great books, and many other blessings from the Great Man Above. But since I am not feeling well, I'd just share some bday moments/gifts on this post and do that one on another post. Enjoy! :)

I woke up in the morning with a card that says “Happy 23th Birthday”. Regardless of the typo, I still love the card lol. And of course, the people whom the card is from— sissy Gaby, bro in law Andy, and lil bro Billy *hug


The card didn’t come empty handed, of course :p I also got a pair of earrings. They knew just what I like =)


My first gifts in the morning: a no ordinary card + a pair of earrings


Then I got a surprise at school. My Ubaya best buddies got a dark chocolate cake from Dapur Coklat.. deliciosooooo!!!


Ubaya best buddies (or my kids, more aptly): left to right.. Vanny, me, Nani, Rheta <3


Taking a pose with some girlfriends of mine.. They’re 5 years younger than me! I do not look that aged, apparently.. hehehehe (^__^)v


On 1st Dec when I came back from school I got a delivery from Mr. Postman— a bday card from my bff Janet and a postcard of Lyon.


Lyon, the city where Janet is studying right now. So pretty..


A card with lots of love and (of course) written in PURPLE ink (janet’s fave color)


Later on the 1st of Dec, Mr. Postman brought another lovely package for me— a simple yet deep white card..


…and a FUJIFILM INSTAX MINI 7S POLAROID!!!!! Awwww… I once wanted this thing so badly. I even forgot that I wanted it like a year ago. Lols and YAAAAYYYY!!!!


A card and Polaroid camera from my one and only darling, Ray.. my BFL (boyfriend for life). Love you sayaaaaanngggg *hugandkisses


And, last but not least, MONEYYYYYYYY from my big bro and his wifey, and from my two beloved heroes mom&dad

the wedding; 19 nov 2011

Tea pai ceremony..


My bro and his wife-very-soon-to-be, Silvia


Left-right: james mogi (dad’s lil bro), yolanda mogi (dad’s baby sister), Apollo Mogi (dad’s father), Ani Mongdong (dad’s mommy), Meiske Mogi (dad’s lil sis), Herry Mogi (super daddy!)


After the reeption—twas a fun night =)


I am 160cm and was wearing 15cm of heels (imagine how tall they’re!)


Me singing “Jangan Berhenti mencintaiku” by Titi DJ, as an opening performance


My most fave pic of all—me and my beloved Ray


My 2nd most fave pic— a maroon couple


Cwayzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


With sis, bros, cuz, bro in law, bf, and uncle


Left-right: dr. Gavin Mogi (big bro, the groom), Gabriel Mogi SH, MKn, MM (big sis), Angel Mogi BA in Molecular Biology (me), Billy Mogi (lil bro)


Ma belle mere.. Susana Nyono aka Mrs. Herry Mogi


This is what a normal pose supposed to be in my family, seriously..


Mon petit ami <3


With siblings and cousins, the Manuhurapons


Tea Pai, love my peach H&M dress ^__^


Richard and Michael Manuhurapon, fave handsome cousins


One of the many family portraits


Cousin Michael Mongdong (people said he kinda look like ray)

H-4

I love EVERYTHING about you.
but that ONE thing

:'(

Yes, I do.

My bro is getting married real soon! It's weird to think of any of my siblings having a spouse. Seems like it was a blink ago when we were all just like crazy little monkeys, so far from being mature, gazillion years from being PARENTS! Our big bro is going to tie the knot to a lovey lady who's a high school friend of my sissy. The 19th of November will be the date and I am so looking forward for it =) Even more, I am more than excited to see and hug my beloved boy. Been 4 months since the last time we embraced each other's presence. Cannot wait for our own wedding #blushblush

here's my dress for my bro's wedding reception:




and this simpler knee-length peach dress is for the holy matrimony:



but I am still not sure about this latter dress. Somehow I thought it's too revealing to be worn at church though there might be an exception entitled since it's a wedding thing and not a sermon. We'll see..

Will be off to manado on 17th November and won't be back til 21st Nov


wish me no more breakouts on my already pimple-accessorized face! >_<


<3
~njl

from teaching to almost 5 glasses of red wine

went to teach a "bimbel" group today-- a group of Christian academists who are passionate about sharing their knowledge to those who can't afford to pay "luxury" bimbingan belajar. Edo picked me up after church and we taught these four educationally hungry, grade nine, kids. While the little boys were such cute imps, teasing me while I was teaching..hehehe. I was so excited teaching biology, about the genetic stuff (my speciality ^__^). Mitosis and meiosis. That was a loooong time ago when I dealt with ya guys! Still fresh in my mind, those vocabs, wonders, and greatnest of science! Ahhhh I am such a nerd and I don't mind at all! No one will realize the beauty of natural science until you dedicated almost half of your live serving the field. Oh, and it was my first time after about 10 years riding a motorcycle. Was scared but fun #palmface,giggle (=

And just got back from a dinner. My sis' fiance's aunty and uncle and couple cousins asked us out for a fancy Korean dinner somewhere in the west side of Surabaya. The food was good. I've always enjoyed Korean delicacies. And the wine was good too, hehe.. I just think I've had a little too much that now my head is so heavy. I've deleted lotsa typos while writing this post, I should go to bed.

november is around the corner. cant wait to see my dodo honey =)))


tipsy, just a lil..
njl

flowless words

Longing for the moments when the excitement of writing was beyond explanation-- hope the lips of my heart won't be as cold as those of my brain.

chill
~njl

him, not him

listening to coldplay's "The Scientist" and recalling all the AC memories-- reminds me of him too. I hope life is treating him well somewhere there in the land of the Queen (=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU

Blame it on the boogie

I know I shouln't be writing here.. But I just can't help myself.

In the middle of midterms (people here call it UTS) and I literally have no pressure to study. AT ALL.

I hope people don't get me wrong-- as if I am underestimating Law. It's just that when one does something with no interest in it, one will tend to do it half-heartedly.

Can I put the blame on the boogie this time then?

R.a.y

These feelings are hard to explain
yet losing you is insanity, I can't afford
Have I no reason to blame, to complain
But the night can sometimes get too cold

My soul longs for the inevitable
reaching you not might the spark perish
Rainbow fades and it's uncontrollable
til all just memory the sky may cherish

Writing too long of a love song
can make your fingers crimp, blemish
still mouth can't recite a sweet "so long"
'cause in heart planted all promise

without you the world is a tyranny
and emptiness would give me company

october breeze

sometimes..
when silence is the only explanation
to your wandering thoughts
you'd beg for the night to be longer
stay darker, go colder

Restless soul is not an option
for my heart was never an harbor
Love is a game, complexion
of which life takes heart to ponder

I dwell in my estate of self
thinking of my deed, ain't branching?
If I no longer crave
what is it to do with the pounding?

Never I lack of anything
those hard words I wish I could erase
Yet these feelings can't I elaborate
because there should be no disgrace

my love my one and my only
should I say I was made for you solely?
No matter what comes, come what may!
our heart as one, no one can bring dismay

Feb 26th, 2009

Another wholehartedly written poem by me. It amazes me how much memories a poem brings by just reading it through. And it reminds me to be grateful about my complicated yet sweet love story. So blessed to have you in my life, R. I can truly see the way God takes care of me and my heart through you *hug*

Banyak bunga baru yang tumbuh
namun yang kusuka hanya satu
Kuning kecil daffodil itu
bagiku yang terindah walau cepat sekali layu

Musim panas tak bertahan dia
Musim dingin tiada bermekaran kuncupnya
Hujan musim semi membuatnya berbunga
walau hanya sesaat, ah kunikmati saja

Mendamba yang datang dan pergi sesuka hati
bagai mencoba memeluk awan mengelus pelangi
semua yang indah dan nyaman bagai mimpi di malam sunyi
saat mentari terjaga dari tidurnya, lenyaplah ia bagai embun pagi

Mencinta yang tak pernah nyata, bagai bayang
layaknya menggenggam pasir untuk kau bawa pulang
Lembut dan hangat dia setelah terbakar terik siang
namun belum pula di persimpangan, semua pasir sudah jatuh dan hilang

Sang pencinta sendiri bagai bayu dia
laksana sungai mengalir saja menuruti bumi entah kemana
Satu yang pasti setelah semua perjalanan panjangnya
akan berpadu dia dengan sang samudera, entah yang mana

Bila pujangga telah lelah merangkai kata
nama apakah yanga akan diberikan padanya?
Cinta suci itu tak terbagi, layaknya pujangga yang tak kan habis kata
hanya saja bisa berpindah semua puisi, lagu, dan cinta
pada hati yang siap mencinta dan menerima setulus jiwa, entah siapa

Daffodil tak bisa hidup di atas pasir
Pujangga tak mungkin selamanya menggantung mimpi di awan
Sungai ini sepertinya hendak mencapai hilir
dia bercabang, ah sekarang aku ada di persimpangan!

unspoken words

I was randomly screening my books I brought from the States this morning. I love good books and I found books a great hiding place. I miss the moment when I can just burry my nose behind my books and none will dare to say a thing--- coz that's just a typical day at Kenyon. You cannot be too nerdy or to wild of a party rocker. It's a beautiful place where knowledge grows deep inside. When one can learn about life, love, and friendship while being educationally enriched and challenged.

My Kenyon Hill often insipred me to write. I found couple poems I worte a while ago. I found writing very soothing. When my heart is restless and words can't be spoken, I can always run to my pen and paper :) I love writing. Moreover, I love the memory that I can recall from reading my writings in the years after. Here goes just a few of the poems I wrote with a glimpse of story behind them..

this was the transition stage.. from "a broken heart" to "embracing a new love story". I was in disguise and don't want to completely move. Was welcoming one, yet cannot let go the other one. Ahhhhh love is really a game of the fools

Gejolak itu datang lagi
Menambah yang pernah ada
Membuat hati bergetar lagi
Namun kubetranya..

Adakah nyata semua harap
Ataukah cuma aku yang terpesona?
Jiwa ini lelah dengan asa yang sekejap
Karena mendamba bagiku itu segenap jiwa

Dia yang tak mungkin kurengkuh, tak kuasa kulepas
Walau tak bersama, memori indah tetap terjaga
Selesai sudah, selesai sudah ku berkemas
Sudah siap aku, utuh cintaku, tuk berlabuh di sana

Adakah yang di sana itu nyata?
21 feb 2009


then I felt down again.. realizing that it wasnt easy for my broken heart to pretend to be jolly =(

Disini aku kembali lagi
Dengan asa yang masih terukuir terpatri
Salju jatuh perlahan, menyentuh bumi
Aku dengan sejuta perasaan, menanti yang tak pasti

Pohon yang sama, ranting yang sama
Tegar berdiri lewati ragamnya musim
Akankah bertahan hasrat di dada
Terluka mendamba cinta yang tak mungkin?
Feb 2009



the new one comes like a wind-- comes and go as he wished. Maybe that is not the best way to describe him. But I still remember the way he made me struggle with those up and down feelings. Yet slowly for sure, he was taking my world over.. turning my gloomy winter days into spring afternoons-- with lots of flower, yet still some rain.


Mengapa kau datang mengetuk
Kalau jadinya tak pernah mau masuk
Sesaat terasa seolah kau menanti
Terkadang terpikir bahwa kau tak peduli

Banyak Tanya berhimpitan di dada
Hatimu padaku ataukah padanya?
Walau sering kau tunjukkan perhatian dan sayang
Tetap saja ragu mengikuti sukma, bagai bayang

Mencinta bagiku itu segenap jiwa
Jangan biarkan hatiku harap bila itu tak nyata
Bila kau memang sang pujangga
Mengapa sulit bagimu tuk merangkai kata?



Misunderstanding. This stage was the most difficult one duirng our "PDKT" time. hehe.. I thought he was making me an option, and vice versa. So, it was kinda "HTS" yet already being so jealous with each other. Bitter sweet indeed ^__^


Belahan jiwa kemanakah kamu?
Kemarin ada sekarang dimana, ku tak tahu
Bagai langit nakal, kemarin cerah hari ini kelabu
Kau sembunyi hatimu, biarkan gelisah hatiku

Tak lelahkah kau melompat kesana kemari?
Tak letih kah kau menari dari hati ke hati?

Absence

my heart ponders
of what the eyes see
for nobody can answer the questions
and it is "I" who's in process, not we

I am not ignoring the curiosity
yet she decides that I'm not her agency
neither I aim for a brilliant ending
my passion is really what I'm longing

there were times
when ters are the best you can express
and the silence of the night understands
your sorrow more than your beloved ones

my joy was robbed
my passion was raped
in chain they made me smiled
I wished for a piece of mind

ready my soul for its calling
yet in their eyes I am worthless
for dreaming too high, aming too much
can't you just let me Rest In Peace?

if you are real then take me
from this hell to another hell
I won't mind, I would agree
as long as I have my right to spell

is this me? or are you using me?
my life has never been mine
they say "live it up", shall be
but I am not thee

when I no longer have it

The anticipation was not within my capability. I thought I could treat my Kenyon's memories as a reminder for me to simply be even more grateful. Yet, I did not know that I would start missing that second-home of mine this early.. I am studying at Ubaya's library and wished that I could be there-- at Multimedia Room where I used to work, do homework, sometimes webcaming with R, or even secretly eating my afternoon snack. I miss that table next to the window, near the clock, eating oatmeal sunny side up egg bacon and sriracha plus skimmed milk as my bfast, eating gross lunches, uncooked rice that I always complained about, delicioso ribs.. I miss Kenyon's dinning hall. Peirce Dinning hall-- where I eat, I meet friends and socialize, study like hell, go for Philander Phling, wait cheerfully for the midnight bfast.. My messy dorm. Nothing beats the feeling of contentment of being in my tiny and messy dorm. Books everywhere covering the floor, navy blue bed cover and blanket, piled laudry, desk with my almost-24hr-online laptop, and my most fave one: the view through my window during snow shower. Science quad was my boyfriend, of whom I had a love-hate relationship with. I loved that square of knowledge and curiosity of the so-called nerds and geeks of teh Hill. Always enjoyed, sometimes hated, walking there for classes-- depends whether I was in the mood or not, or whether I was done with hw or not, or whether I had big exam for another class. Chem dept, how I miss sleeping in your common room on the 4th floor lol. I miss Sally too, my science soulmate. Can't imagine my Junior&Senior semesters without her. Walking to the post office, while listening to my ipod, watching the autumn leaves fall gracefully, say hi to friends who are walking/ cycling, pretend not seeing some others, sending packages and receiving cards.. make me smile. When the day is hot and hard, buckeye classic from the bookstore ice cream parlor will be a luxurious treatment for myself. Oh, I forgot that I hadnt submit my classes registration form-- stopping by the Registrar then.. Study, eat, making a lot of friends, doing my laundry, working at the library, study at wherever-I0feel-like-studying, meeting with professors, going to classes, picking up parcels, lazying around in my room, taking a long hot shower, KACing, Kenyon.. I miss my life there. So much.

Undo Button

Aren’t I, me?

I feel semi-conscious these days. I do what my heart doesn’t want to, I do not do what I am supposed to. Never occurred in my mind that, the more I love the person, the more I’d hurt her/ him— yet, I did just exactly that. I have become a new me, a worse version of my being. Easily irritated that’s me. Too sensitive and get angry almost to everything, that’s me too. I am possessed, aren’t I? Possessed by my alter-ego. I feel lost and trapped. Yet not knowing what direction I was looking for or what kind of trap has gotten my feet. I have been dragging myself far away from God, that’s what I knew for sure. The most crucial thing I shouldn’t have done, ever.
I hurt those whom I love the most.. those whose lives, to me, are more precious than mine. I hurt my little brother by my emotional explosion which resulted in upsetting words. I did not intend to scream those disgraceful words, I swear to God! But I just couldn’t control it. Then I regret it and let my nights be haunted by guilty feelings. I wished I had an undo button.

I’ve also been very impatient with my Mom and Dad, the two most important persons in my life. Nothing has changed, in terms of my love and respect to them. It is me that has changed. Nonetheless, I have no clue what or in what way I have been transformed to. All those not so polite words, I wished I had an undo button.
My sister got some sparks of my anger, of course. I found myself hard to accept suggestion and, not to mention, to argue. I had become a selfish person, almost arrogant. Aren’t I supposed to love my family and friends and even foreign people? The more I try to reason, the more I got lost in this self-uncertainty. I just wished I had an undo button.

I hate to mention this, but Ray probably has experienced the worse of my evilness. Why him? I don’t know. Maybe because he’s the one whom I love much, and that I communicate with him so often. Within less than a month, I had challenged his love, patience, and understanding. I pushed him against a wall and finally crossed the limit. I accused him doing what he did not, put all the blame on him, raged his peace with my anger. I can’t and won’t blame him for the hard situation we are in now. I started it and drove it worse. No one on earth, hell, or heaven should get the blame but me. And I just truly wished there’s an undo button.

Can someone find me the undo button?

insomnia

it's August! already..

Can't believe I am home already, almost 100% settled dwon.. well, not until I go back to school I guess. And see how I'll like it. Yep, this Monday I am going back to school. Doing something so out of my area-- LAW! I won't be offended by any surprised faces or questions which doubt or underestimate me.. or simply confused statements. have had tons of those. Kinda tiring to recitate the same answers and explanations again and again. But my tounge is getting used to eat. My heart is too. I don't feel like extending my thought and explanation here, about me and my decision to pursue law. I promise to write about it, sooner or later. But yea, this Monday I will be going back to school. Nervous? Not quite so. I wished I had the excitement of going back to school, to a new school, doing something completely new to me. But at leat I don't take it as a burden. Too relax I am, that I hope I won't be taking this course half-heartedly.

*I am using my sis' computer and I so hate it btw!!*

Ray and I are going good. Stronger than ever. Just had a pretty bad fight over the phone couple weeks ago. But it's all good. Couples who fight are the ones that still really love each other =) I miss him tho.. I was in Jkt for a bit last month and got to see, hug, and k*** him. But he was working, so ofcourse I didn't get to have his full time and attention during my stay in the City =/ but anyhow, I guess we both are used to the LDR. We even started it as LDR, Kenyon-Columbus. So nothing to worry about really..

However, I dont want this LDR to be too long. I mean, the longest one was 6 months ot seeing each other-- he graduated and moved back to Indo while I was still finishing my degree in Ohio, USA. We managed to ace the time down.. whitout realizing the dangerous side effect..

to keep the story simple. Ray told me that he felt very foreign when we first met in Jakarta. Hugging me feels nothing, and I also could tell. I tld him that he neednt say a athing about it, I already knew. For I can cleverly read his body language more than anyone else, I believe. It took Ray couple days to really feel that I am the one he has been waiting for. In his thought, nothing change about our relationship, about me whom his heart longed for. But when we meet, he felt like the one in his memory isn't the one he's seeing. I was sad. Can you imagine, when you were so on fire, meeting the one you dear so highly, and he said "I don't feel aything"? I was so scared that distance will seperate us-- that was the first time we both got scared aout LDR, and understood why people said LDR ain't a cup of tea. It is indeed not a piece of banana bread.

But as I spent more time with him, I could feel that he finally recovered from his "insomnia".. through his hug, the way he holds my hand, and his eyes. Since the, we commited to try to see each other at least every 2-3 months. We still have 3.5 years to go. Our love will be challanged by time, distance, and circumstances. If we can pass the test, I believe nothing can fail our love.

cant wait to see him in Nov =)

back off!!!!!

That was it! Enough is enough! Don't you dare forcing me doing what I don't wanna do! This country is so freaking F*****G stupid and corrupted!!! No wonder those who've been outside Indonesia hesitate to come back. Stupid goverment!! And I freaking hate people who force me to do damn stupid things!!! Don't you ever dare treating me this way again, ever! No matter who you are!!! I can punch someone on the face right now!!!!!!!! so freaking pissed off!!!!! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

update

welcome to the month of July!

Home has been great. No place is better than home, indeed. For home is where my heart takes rest-- where the ones I dear the most reside. Many stories I have been wanting to share. But this lazy syndrom is sucking all my motivation. Ahhh...

This year is a busy year for me and my family. I graduated on May. Mom and Dad and 2 of my 3 siblings came for my graduation and we went for 1-month US tour. It was bloody jolly fun :) From Florida to New York to California, we've kicked their butts! My big bro is getting married in November. How exciting! Still more excitement-- my sis will have her engagement party on Sept 10th. The day after we arrived from Uncle Sam, my sis' boyfriend's family met up with my family and arranged the engagement party. Next year by June my sis will no longer be Gabriel Mogi but Gabriel Setiawan, S.H., M.Kn., M.M. (so many degrees I know.. Can you imagine how intimidating it is to be her husband? lol).

Life is good. And I believe will always be so. I didn't say it won't be free of challenges. But, surrounded by love, and with Him, I shall not worry about a thing. God has been my provider, my deliverer, and will always be so. For now, I plan to continue to a school in Surabaya. I love reading books can't you tell? haha.. so sarcastic.. I am grateful tho, for the opportunities. I do not know where the future will bring me. But I know for sure God is the One behind the wheel. So, I am taking it easy ;)

My R is doing great too. Each day I love him even more and more. So blessed to have have him in my life. Couple nights ago a very good friend of mine spent a night with me. We had a great reunion and chatted til dawn-- 4am! I stole her from her hubby hehe.. Many stories we shared-- from friends to being pregnant (she's a mom of three beautiful angels). She updated me about our junior high friends, most of them are boys. Man, it is true that to find a righteous man nowadays is as hard as to find a needle in a stack of jerami (apa yah bahasa inggrisnya jerami? hehe..). I don't want to recreate the not-so-noble stories of those friends of us here. But it made me extremely thanksful for my beloved boy. I cannot ask for a better partner. And I hope I can one day share my life with him. Be next to him in happiness and sorrow. I can never thank God enough for sending my guardian angel, R, in my life. I love you, R! I really do..

R is working at one of the biggest real estate companies in Indo. Though his position isn't one of the bonafide ones. But he's learning a lot and I admire his willingness and motifation to learn. Indeed a type of man that I had been praying for =) By the grace of God, we will be together forever in about 3-3.5 years. While I never worried about getting married old, he did! It makes me giggle everytime I think of it because he is the boy yet he's the one worrying about that "sensitive" stuff. hehe.. It's cute isnt it? :p I need to learn to be less stuborn. He'll be the head of the family and it is my duty to be submissive. I pray that the Lord God will enable me to be a good partner for R.

Hadn't written for a while.. Feel like I am sumarizing the last few months of my life here. I miss writing, esp. in English. Life is so ful of surprises-- happy and not so happy ones. I thank God for my life. I thank God for those who color my life. I hope my life, one day, will color others'.

til then,
angel

I am home!

It's been 2 nights since I landed on my beloved hometown. Yet I still feel strange being here.. Knowing that I am done with school, how odd to live in a place that has only been my vacation destination for the past 6 years. I've said a sweet so long to Uncle Sam. Hoping that we'll get to embrace each other again sometimes in the future. America has been great to me. It's a place full of learning and memories. I'll surely miss living there-- in fact I already have.

Hoping that my English won't fade away!

SENIORITIS!!

.. and it's a severe one! Gosh, my brain just shuts off. Can't think anymore. I do not even feel a tiny itsy bit of pressure for finals this time. Still want to maintain good grades though. But it's so friggin harddddd.. Thanks God I only have one sit-down exam. My other finals are paper, lab report, and a web project. I can't wait till mom, dad, gebot, and billy are here.. Graduation finally seems so close (yes it is that close!). May 21st ill be the day. I Hope the sun will not be too shy to come out despite the number of proud students and parents on this Hill. Been waiting for this day, and the weeks of travelling and shopping spree! :D
Ray, I'd love him to come to my big day. But he has to work, do his job to prepare for our BIG day ^.^ I miss him today (not that I never miss him before). He's looking content and been talking about his urge to get married soon. One day he'll be, "how about three years from now?" and the next day he'll change his mind and say, "I think I'll be ready in two years." Suprisingly, he's the one who's worried about getting married too old. Shouldn't I be the one with the anxiety of being an old virgin? hehe.. Apparently he's been going to a Christian Care Group that has many young married couples with young kids. And he decided he wants to be a dad soon too! lol. Though that would mean he needs my pass first. Of course, since I am the one who'll be in charge of carrying that big belly for 9 months. It's funny when we got into this convo, and argument about this issue. Ah Ray how I love you :) He's just too lovely. I cannot ask for a better man.

Biochem!!! NOW!!!

A Perfect Last Day of Classes

It's another Friday. But it is not quite as typical as the previous hectic Fridays I have had this semester. I had classes from 9am to 4pm with only lunch break on Friday this semester. Often, I would have an English paper due by midnight. But today is not the same exhausting Friday as usual. It's more exhausting, for sure. Since I had to wake up at 5am just to figure out that my lovely laptop did not save the essay I was working on the whole day yesterday. And that essay is due today by midnight. Great, right? I was so sad I couldn't even cry. It felt surreal, indeed. But, again, this is not a regular Friday with all the nerve wracking assignments or the tornado siren that goes off in the middle of my so-much-needed 30 mins power nap. Nope. Today is my last Friday as a Kenyon student. Today is the last day of classes, the last day I had to sit down for a lecture/ lab/ seminar at Kenyon Academia. That was probably why I felt so surrreal this morning. On my last day as a Kenyonite, this lovely school just threw me anything possible to give me a remarkable and unforgetable memory of last day of classes. But nothing will bring me down. Neither the lack of sleep, the slamming doors of my not so toughtful neighbors, nor the wickedness of my laptop for ditching my final paper just at the right time. I want to enjoy this moment, all this stresses as a student. Proud of being a student of, they call it, Harvard/ Princeton of the Midwest, I am! Kenyon had served me well, hopefully vice versa. A balanced ups and downs really taught me a lot and shaped me growing up to be I am as what I am now.

I am in my, not surprisingly, messy dorm. Leonard 316. I think I'll miss it. Before I go on and on, I probably should get my essay going, for I do not have much time. And I have Microbiology assignment due by midnight too. So ya, I'll be back! =)

That's all I will remember

you, whose name remains a mystery
have been with me on this hill for four years
the first time I saw you, we were naive
in countless dreams we believe

I have a lover and so do you
yet this special connection I cannot ignore
you found this weird? I do so too
But dont you feel you just want to know a little more?

Have I known you not
a single word we never exchanged
But I wonder how I got this special knot
you are so familiar, and it hasn't changed

Romance is not the word
for we belong to completely different world
though I know when you look at me
you are just as confused as I am puzzled. I see

your name is all I want to know
before I forget what it is like to walk in the snow
time flies and I will depart
this de ja vu, maybe should just remains as art

I adore you not, love you not
But a word with you would mean a lot
for I need to know how you feel
about a girl whose name remains a mystery

feels like I have known you forever
and your unknown name, that's all I will remember

A Prayer

Lord, may Your will be revealed and done in me. I want my live to be well lived, well lived in You. My humanness is so limited, that I cannot comperhend. Your way is beyond my way, God. Please show me the way, let my heart be sensitive and obidient to your voice and calling. I believe in your wonderous ways. While I am waiting, give me passion and persistance. I was created and live for You and Your glory. And I want to continue my journey according to Your plan. I am sorry Lord, it has taken me this long to ask "what You want me to do with my life, for You?" I am Your servant, Lord Jesus. Guide me and give me strength so I can carry Your cross in my life. Amen.

Back off!

I feel horrible today. Right now. Just had some arguments with people who matter the most in my life. One of them is my boy. We have been constantly having arguments about this and that. Gees, can we just have a break from irritating each other just until I am done with my school hassles? He can be so insensitive, which irritates me. And I can be so stubborn and say mean stuff when I am stressed out.

My button's been pushed too many times in a short span of time I guess.

Just back off! I might explode!

Gloomy Easter

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!

He's not there, for He has risen! :) Thank you dear Lord for saving me, for Your love, Your cross. So disappointed I cannot make it to church today, on Easter, due to school work load. I could have gone to church if only I was productive yesterday. Shouldn't have underestimated my 3000 words project, really. But I just couldn't help myself. Yesterday was just not my day. Feeling down and gloomy the whole day, feeling so alienated, so alone. I think I am ready to move on. Move on to a life where I will be near those whom my heart belongs to. I miss mom, dad, koko, gebot, billy, and petit ami ray. Vous me manquez, tres tres mal =(

Maaf =(

Not so long ago I thought of this old saying (which I can't recall where I picked that from), those whom I love the most are the ones who hurt me the most

Then I realized that what's true is really.. those who I love the most are the ones who I hurt the most

and that just broke my heart into pieces.

I am sorry dad.. I am sorry Ray..

for real?

VW Beetle after Kenyon? *wink wink*

ps. yellow would be even nicer :p

51 days

away from graduation, I am. Cannot wait. My motivation has started to vaporized and I do not know how much I have left.

I am kinda afraid to go home, though I cannot wait to be done with my undergrad exploration. Being far from my life, for 6 years, has challenged my heart beyond what I expected. Yet, US is my comfort zone at the moment. Going home is like a simalakama for me.

I know I need to pray. Need to surrender my will and let His be done

7 things

I am not a huge fan of Miley Cyrus. I just happened to listen to her music video on Youtube yesterday. It's called "7 things", and let me do my own version of it ;)


I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared
It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear
My dear

The seven things I hate about you
The seven things I hate about you
Oh you
Your cuek-ness, your china-ness
You're susah ngasih kabar-ness
your ngga open-ness
You make me laugh
You make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends some of them are jerks
When you act like them
Just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and its silent
As I wait for you to say
What I need to hear now
Your sincere apology
When you mean it I'll believe it
If you text it I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh, I'm not coming back
You're taking seven steps here

Chorus:

The seven things I hate about you
Your cuek-ness, your china-ness
You're susah ngasih kabar-ness
you're ngga open
You make me laugh
You make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends some of them are jerks
When you act like them
Just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the seven that I like

The seven things I like about you
Your smile, your smell
Your glasses
When we kiss im hipnotised
Your crazy jokes, your small surprise
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined
Everything's alright
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you

You do, oh
Ooh, ooh, ooh oh
Ooh, ooh, ooh oh

Boston

.. and having fun with my highschool peeps. Staying at Harvard dorm with my beloved friend Hetty.

R, OH

some people were just simply born to be mean and sarcastic.. and they exist as stepping stones for others in becomeing a more patient of a person.

I hope God grants me serenity to learn the lessons.

Doesn't that make you wonder- Why?!

Young Asian women are three times more likely to commit suicide than the rest of the population. Doesn't that make you wonder- Why?!

I think it's probably attributed to a few key reasons.

1.Culture.

Asian societies tend to be very status conscious. Asian parents tend to place a heavy psychological pressure to succeed, from a very young age. We do not encourage learning from failure. We place an immense feeling of shame in relation to failure. This is a recipe for suicide.

2. High Stress

Cities like Tokyo, Hong Kong and Seoul are part of the worlds biggest business capitals. They influence the rest of Asia not just in terms of business, but also fashion trends, and media. This puts a great pressure on the people who are part of this.

3. The Position of Women in Asia

Many Asian women aren't taken seriously and are very often seen as sexual objects by both White and Asian men. No matter how much we have advanced, the foundation of the relationship between Asian women and men is for them to serve the men and provide sex. Sad huh? You may have your arguments on this point, but on a whole, this problem is much more prevalent in Asia than anywhere else.

4. Taboo

We do not speak of that which (we think) should not be spoken of! We don't see mental illnesses like depression for what it really is- an affliction that needs treatment. Instead, we do all we can to sweep such things under the rug, otherwise people will talk and we will lose face. We ignore the abnormal, yet when something like suicide happens, we say - "I never saw it coming". I think for most suicide cases, the people around the victims did see it coming but chose to ignore these warning signs, in the hopes that the situation would just right itself.


from: http://lifestyle.www.ns.sg

Misundertstood

I think I am. It's sad though. Because we are just about to start a nice friendship. I can see it could be a nice, supportive, and heart warming one. But why I am always the one who is misunderstood by people? =(

JL

annoyed

i have a migrain right now. I tried to nap just now, with a hope to shoo this migrain away. But the maintenance people were blowing the dry leaves on the ground and it was terribly noisy =/ I don't blame the people, they're just doing their job. But the sound of the blower just pissed me off cos now I have an even worse migrain =(

I woke up, and decided that I'd just take a shower. I steped into the bathrom and realied that another maintenance guy was repairing one of the shower. I could have used the other shower. But I just did not feel right to be naked, with only a curtain as a door (and you can def see my shadow through the curtain), when there's a male person next to you. Annoyed.

There's one thing that also annoyed me. That person.. hhhhhhhhh

A Fair Affair?

I was working
when he came through the door
he asked me
just how to spell "penniless"
is it with an "i" or a "y"

I never saw such pair of eyes
so scary that they pierce your soul
his silver-replaced lower jaw teeth
too terrifying to be truth

suddenly, I thought
that was perhaps the end of my chapter
maybe he's about to get a gun
that's hiding inside his brown baggy jacket
bang! one shot and The End.

Life can be so full of surprise
especially in the land of Uncle Sam
the land of the American Dream
the land of the Psychos

After a terrfying three minutes
I walked home, avoiding the muddy path
I liked the cluckle sound of my flats
they remind me of my high heels
that I once wore, at home
though I can't wear them here, in this land full of pressure,
I can still enjoy the saound of it
that's at least relieving, deliberating

even a woven hat in that car
looks like a lady
I swiped my card on the door, and get in
my shoulders have been carrying this backpack
four years, restless years
no wonder I was feeling like fainting the whole day
I checked but my thermometer said no fever
I am in my room
same old day, same old air
did my youth and happiness escape through the window?

T_T

it's almost 2.30am and I still cannot fall asleep.. =(

I am so terribly sleepy that I have a terrible headache right now. But I cannot sleep because my heart is pounding. Pounding very hard and fast as if it is being chased by a dog, or a ghost, or an Organic Chem exam.

I have nothing due tomorrow. I am not worrying about anything specifically. I do not know what's wrong with me. R said probably I should drink some water, I did. It did not work so I thought I would just sit in the toilet, in case if I probably need to do some bowel movements. It did not help. I played Texas Hold 'Em in my bb, I got dizzy. But can't fall asleep. What's wrong with my heart?

Ghost

Depression. It's not the word I would think of regularly or spontaneously. It's obviously not a term people want to define themselves as. But sometimes you are given no choice. I was given no choice.

It's been almost a month or so. I struggle with this feelings of incompetency and self-worthlessness, not to metnion self-esteem deprived. My head is like a ballon, filled with water, and is still being filled with water, though it cannot contain anymore. It's swollen. But it has not burst yet. It is about to burst. In fact, it just wants to burst and end the pain. But the water is going on and off-- driving the poor balloon crazy.

My head hurts, just as much as my heart does. I cannot even be in close contact to my loved ones. Otherwise I'd just hurt them. I'd find the way to irritate or make them gloomy. And I'd feel even more depressed by doing so.

I do not hate anyone. I just hate the position I am in right now. I cannot see the purpose of all these emotional, psychological, and mental tortures that I am entitled of. I need no encouragement from anyone, including you. I need no advice. And I write to relsease the kinks in my head, not to be judged by anyone, including you. So, I would really appreciate if you do not leave any "there's a light at the end of tunnel" comments. Or just dont leave a comment at all.


Give me some space

Aku

Kemana kah harus ku cari
Arti dari setiap hembusan ini
Hatiku tak se suci namaku
Gairah ku, sembunyi dia di balik batu
Esok enggan tuk jadi elok
Noda ku, nista ku, tak pantas Kau tengok

Rasa ini, setengah berlari
Andai bisa sejenak berhenti
Yang ku tau aku butuh menepi

A. nervosa

there is a small voice
it comes from a small corner of my heart
it whispers and makes a noise
just take it, life is hard

it says that I have no control over anything
yet I can decide to have one
when everything is trembling
I still have a power over my body, to be as what I want

I try to grab, but my fingers crimps
I kneel to pray, but God says "I cannot be reached"
when confidence, motivation, and courage have become just dreams
I guess I just need to vomit, and forget the word "eat"

Can't even cry

the first time EVER in my life to FAIL an exam T_T

I was SHOCK (not to mention how sad I was and still am..)


My first Biochemistry exam turned out to be my first F. Gosh, I feel like I am such an incompetent scientist. Maybe I am.. ='(

Only One

the one that I love
might not send flowers on valnetine's day
yet he always makes sure that I have enough
love and trust, so what else can I say?

the one that I care
sometimes takes forever to reply my text
but he'll never let anyone to even dare
to mess around with me or to ever vex

the one that I adore
often can be so forgetful
still I want him more and more
I am so in love and, ah, don't mind being a fool!

the one that I wanna give houndred hugs
has shared so many happiness and tears with me
and the answer will be "just because"
if you ask me "why it is him that my heart sees?"

the one that owns my heart
standing there, thousand miles apart
but his smile makes me at home
and his heart is totaly my own

the one that's you
I love you, and will always do!

<3

In achieving one's dream(s)

it is not about whether you have the passion on it or not. But it's whether God wants you to do it, or not!

then passion, that He Himself would implant, will certainly grow in your heart.




and "don't be afraid. Just believe!"
~Mark 3:36

Kosong

Dia yang ku cinta
tak sanggup tuk ku peluk, ku rengkuh
Dia dengan semua tulus cintaNya
haruskah rasa ini ku kubur, kubiarkan beku?

kalau sayang, itu tak perlu kau tanya
hati ini sepenuhnya milikMu, untukMu
namun gelisah yang ada
jauhkan aku dariMu, semu jiwaKu

tak layak tuk terima
walau hampir gila aku mencinta
walau Kau mau aku ada
kubertanya adakah aku layak, berharga?

esok rindu kujelang
esok rindu ku di dalam naungMu
esok, haruskah kau kukenang?
esok mungkin ku harus mampu tanpamu

aku abu-abu
harus menangis atau tertawa pun aku tak tau
aku yang layu
haruskah aku lalu?

yang ku damba Kau, ku butuh kasihMu
yang ku sayang kau, ku tak mau jadi dosamu

2 random thoughts

1. my musical soul is in LOVE with Gamaliel's.. ahhhhhh.. his voice is so sexy and his fingers are just great on that curvy accoustic guitar.. goshhhh >.<

2. one (female) doesn't need to be sexually attractive to be confident. For one needs not to please anyone, in order to be confident. Be confident and simply do it for yourself! =) **for those whom I truly fond of**

have a blessed Feb peeps!

Misunderstanding.

No one likes to be misunderstood, I bet. But sometimes, or often, misunderstanding is just unavoidable. Out of nowhere, I recalled this not-so-heartwarming event that happened between me and R. We fought, verbally, of course, and it was one of our worst fights we have ever had.

Whenever I am having my monthly tsunami attacking me, it's like a "Beware of Dog! KEEP OUT!" sign, seriously. I can be so emotionally engaged in EVERYTHING. I feel sad and not in mood. I can potentially feel down and/ or hopeless for no reason. Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me (weird eh? If you are a boy, just accept this as a fact and do not question it! lol). Often I would cry out of something that lightly annoys me and it could be whatever: from bad weather, inappropriate jokes, late appointment, schoolwork, homesick, to R's tardiness in responding my text, etc etc. Another fact about me during my monthly gift is that the closer I am to a person, the more easily that person can offend me (this is just PLAIN WEIRD! I do not even know how to explain this!). So yea, it was during one of those days. It was on the 2nd day (girls know what I'm talking about. If you are a boy, consult the nearest girl). And R was aware of the fact that, with the cram that I was struggling with, I could explode ANYTIME! The sun was up and smiling warmly to us. We, with couple other friends, were on the way to Purdue for a Permias yearly thing. I was all excited despite of my not-so-fit physical and emotional conditions. Things were going good. Until I read one of those messages, sent by one of his friends, in his cell.


WRITER DISCLAIMER: Unlike many other couples, R and I do not mind about reading each other's texts, emails, etc etc. In fact, we even share our passwords of many things. So, the fact that I was reading his message, was completely under his knowledge and permission.

continue..

So ya, the message from that little imp was not impressive at any level. I was not pleased at all with his half-joking but rather impolite comment. Perhaps I was under my estrogen control. But what I remember was that I was outraged. I hated him (at that time)! I dislike him for being disrespectful to someone whom I love so much, R. I felt disrespected too! It was in a group conversation, and that made it even worse! Though R did not take it seriously, I took it SERIOUSLY. R is a very laid back person. I am the complete opposite of him. And for me, whoever nags him, nags me as well! So I told R how uneasy his friend made me and R understood. Though the only word(s) he kept on saying was "Iya.. Iya.. Udah".

Many days had passed. I should not have held any grudge toward that imp (I do not want to mention a name or initial here). In fact, I do not hate him. We just probably won't ever be best friend. Fair enough rite? And I made a clear statement to R that he should never expect me to become a close friend of that particular friend of him. I do not have any hatred towards that imp anymore, don't get me wrong! I just don't think his personality and the way he communicates match mine. I told R, I can respect that imp as a favor and a form of my love toward R. So ya, as you could guess, I was not settled yet. Even after couple days of the incident, it still tickled my heart sometimes. That imp's words, not so much. R's words, VERY MUCH!

So yea, to make the long story short, I'll just go to the point. Well, I also do not have any intention to share too-personal moments of mine in so much detail here-- where everyone who has internet access can read it! We ended up with a big argument, with me crying (of course). He got me wrong. COMPLETELY wrong. He thought this and that and this and that. And I told him WHY I was holding back about that thing! It was not really about what his friend had said. What that imp had said really is the starter of our arguments. But what annoyed me and turned me into an annoying girl were his RESPONSES, my loved one's CARELESS responses! Screw that imp! I won't spend so much energy dwelling on his silly words. For goodness sake, it's not worth it! So I explained to R that I was so very uneasy all this time because HE DID NOT COMMENT AT ALL ABOUT IT. That the way he say "Iya..iya.. udah..", to me it means "Okay Angel, I got it. But I don't think my friend was wrong. You are just being too sensitive". That was what made me ANGRY!! I did not even know that R ended up talking to his friend about it. How would you suppose me to know that you understand my feelings and stand for me if you never said anything about it, TO ME? I figured out that he told his friend that he did not find his action pleasing at all. He stood for me. Unfortunately I had to figure it out while we were fighting =(

It had been a while since that incident and we never talked about it anymore. I never expected him to talk to his friend, I swear to God! I just wanted to hear what he thinks about it. I just wanted to hear him telling me that he understands how I feel, that he thinks what his friend has done was not right. THAT'S IT! Saying "Iya iya.. Udah" can be very misleading, can't it? I want to feel like he is someone who will protect me from whoever who hurts me, not the other way around. Before the fight, I really thought he was defending his friend and that thought irritated me. I also thought he just simply don;t care about my feelings and that hurt me A LOT! I did apologize to him though, for unconsciously putting him in a hard position and for being so angry at him that time. He also apologized me for not being open. We both realized that it takes TIME to understand our partner's personalities. Though it was not a pleasant memory, we both took lessons from it and we just simply knew each other better :)

The take home messages from this incident:
1. It takes time to understand a person in a very personal level
2. communication is a two-way street.
3. Understanding is the key to a healthy relationship
4. NEVER fight in front of others, even if they are your very close friends.
5. if someone does not love you in the way you want him/ her to, it does not mean he/she does not love you with all his heart.

I love you, Ray! =)

my complicated brain

Just had a really really weird nightmare earlier today when I was taking my nap -_-"

So, I started with unsettled heart, which might have been the reason why I ended up hacing such strange dream. I was feeling so down, for some not so obvious reasons. I wanted to talk to R but he was already alseep. So I just cried with my pillow on top of my face. I wonder what was wrong with me. Maybe it is just one the symptoms a graduate-to-be often has. It could be me just having some hormone fluctuation, due to my mothly cycle, that causes emotional inconsistency and sesitivity. Only God knows!

Anyhow, the dream was strange and what makes it even more strange is that I still remember it. Clearly. In details. Which I usually don't.

So, I was in my sister's room, in our house in Surabaya. For some reasons I was alone and the atmosphere in her house was so sketchy. I was trying to sleep when this door was opened by itself (this door does not exists in the real room). It looks like s storage room connected to my sister's bedroom. So I went to close it. But before I did so, I saw a brown mouse, turtle, black parrot (I know! Black parrot! I haven't seen a real one. But I google it and it appears that black parrot does exist!), a multi colour parkeet, and a spirit of whatever it is. I was so scared but I managed to close the door. The door, though, has a big hole and my sister apparently put some boxes to block it. The animals tried to escape through another hole of that door, a smaller hole. They got scared everytime I stared at them, as if they could read my mind. I was so disturbed I decided to take a warm bath. I can't recall exactly what happened in the bathroom. I just remember it was real creepy too. Then I woke up.

I wonder if my dream has meanings. I am a dreamer. And I hardly pass a sleep (night or nap) without having a dream. In fact, I often had deja vu. I wonder what this one means. I hope it doesn't mean anything bad to me or my beloved ones. I'll just take it as the side effect of my emotional explosion. I am so hungry, ah.. Still have an hour and a half till dinner. I should just read my English reading while working, try not to think too much about the dream or concentrate on my hungry tummy. Hmmm, I miss home.

Singing:
"Ooo home.. let me go home.. home is wherever I'm with you.."

manquer

Aku kangen my mommy cerewet, daddy tukang pijet, koko memble, gebot pendek, and billy narsis!!!!! Aku juga kangen R and J!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3

A Poem for Her

Andai aku bisa membalas semua cinta Mama
Nyatanya tak kan cukup harta sedunia
Gendongan sayangmu, kecup mesramu
Entah dengan apa pantas kuhargai jiwa muliamu
Lelahmu itu, semua demi bahagiaku

Surga ditelapak kakimu, Ma
Anugerah Bapa yang tak ternilai dalam hidupku
Yang buatku tegar, kuat hadapi dunia
Adalah ceramahmu, ketegaranmu, dan kasihmu
Niatku kelak ku biasa bahagiakanmu
Genggam erat jemariku, kuberdoa, kiranya Tuhan kabulkan pintaku

Mungkin telah banyak ku buat kau terluka
Adakah mau kau terima maafku, Ma?
Mungkin tak kan pernah bisa kubalasbesarnya jasamu
Aku hanya bisa doakan mama tuk bahagia selalu:

Semoga Allah Bapa berkati mama
Usia yang panjang dan sejahtera buatnya
Sertai langkahnya setiap hari
Agar menjadi berkat dan selalu diberkati
Naungi dia dengan damai sejahtera
AnugerahMu tercurah atasnya, selamanya

Happy birthday, ma! =)

love you,
njl

*I miss..

I am at Panera, Bethel, at the moment. Should have arrived here earlier but had to do an oil change before hand. I better get started doing my work. I have so much schoolwork to get done, mainly due to this terrible jetlag I am experiencing right now. But I cannot concentrate. Of course.. That's the reason why I am blogging instead of textbooking right now!

Faslube did the oil change pretty fast. I did some treatments to my care, change the oil, the wipers, the a, b, and c (don't remember what they're called. lol). After oil change, I met wih Om Leo in the parking lot of Sunrise to give him his oleh2 dari indo. Then I headed to Chipotle, Bethel to have my lunch. I passed Dierker Rd. My heart started to pund when I turned right. After making sure that no one is behind me, I slowed down my car. I took my time to look at my right side: Le Mans Apartments. There was where my love used to live, my very first destination everytime I made my long journey from Kenyon to Columbus every weekend, sometimes I cooked for him and his roommie, place where my buddies surprised me for my 22nd Birthday, where I share laughs and tears.. I cannot help myself but crying (Even now, while writing this blog, I am trying so hard to not shed some more tears). I cried. I miss him. I miss having him around during my stay in Columbus. I sopped at the traffic light and I saw Kroger: place where I first had a "memory" with him (kinda first met him there), where we went shopping late at night, we rented Red Box DVD and ended up not watching it (and even get late fees, duh!). My cheek felt even warmer, and wetter. I just wished he was next to me, making some funy faces, while holding my hand (yes, while I am driving!). I forced myself to quit from crying. I managed. Just before I reached Chipotle. Our favorite fast-food resto (or maybe, my fave). I got my all-time fave menu: burito bowl with extra rice, no beans, with pepper & onion, some steaks, salsa, medium, corns, NO avocado of course, and some lettuce. I picked a random seat. But I avoided that low seat in the corner. Our seats. I went to get some H2O, a fork, some napkins, and.. some lemons! I was about to cry again.. This time wasn't because of Ray. I miss that lady who eats chipotle with TONS of lemons. I miss her silly jokes, her laughs, our late night chats, our silliness, our friendship. Columbus is not the same without her. I miss J terribly (oh shoot I am crying again!!).

Too sad, I couldnt finish my bowl. Well, I'd just go to Panera, study. As usual, Panera is crowded. I was debating whether I wanted my "spot" or avoided it to prevent further tear explosion. Couple of old ladies made the decision for me-- they were sitting on those seats. So I went inside the meeting room and here I am typing. I miss R and J SO MUCH. Ahhhh, I dont think I can write any more without making my laptop wet. I just hope I can get whatever I need to get done today. God, have mercy on me!

..them*
angel

it's 2011

I decided to skip 2 first days of my classes. Not much to lose, I guessed. Or even if I losed a little much, I just simply did not care.

Yesterday I arrived at CMH, wearing a pair of hot pants, a thin blouse, and a clearly-not-enough-for-winter hoody. I also arrived with no heart. For I have left my heart at my beloved ones' hands: 1/3 in Manado, 1/3 in Surabaya, and 1/3 in (as you may bet) Bandung. I knew the other passengers, who were all white people, were probably discussing about my "saltum" alias "Salah Kostum". Which was not really an accident. Neither did I do it on purpose. I just did not want to and could not think sanely on my last day in Indo. If Ko Andy's bro was not with me flying to Changi, I would have probably burst in tears.

Trying to be as wise as I can, I never stop reminding myself that this is going to be a fun semester! Though, schedule-wise it is probably not true. At least I always keep in mind that this might be my last 5 months being in the States, why not enjoy it to its bits? Yesterday, Tante Vera, one of the church members who picked me up at the airport, asked me how long I have been in Ohio. Gosh, I have been living in this land of "dead animals on roads" for nearly four years. Cannot believe this is my fourth year being an Ohio-an. Though I am not into Buckeyes as my other Indonesian fellas may, I still call ohio my second home. No matter how evil the snow storm trying to get your soul sometimes, I am still grateful I have the chance to come, learn, laugh, cry, smile, feel blue, be inspired, get discouraged, find true friends, find my love, undertsand the value of family, be angry, be crazy, be me in this land of America's Heart.

Starting my first day of classes with a letter of rejection from Loma Linda School of Dentistry was not the reason for me to smile. Yet, it is still a reason for me to be thankful. I thank God that I now have less options to be confused with =) I thank God for mom who's been checking on me multiple times since I arrived, and dad who-- as always-- checks every bit of my life as if I were 12 years old girl in a foreign country. haha.. I thank for my friends here and there. Life is good and full of blessings, only if I focus on seeking for its goodness and blessings. I relaized I had been complaining a lot in the past few months last year. So, this year is not gonna be a year of whatever-sounds-big-glorious-or-unreasonable. I simply want my 2011 to be a year of complaints free. Sounds too unreasonable? Let's say, 2011 is a year of complaints reduced to 90%.. Please pray for me to achieve that! =)

merci,
angel