Undo Button

Aren’t I, me?

I feel semi-conscious these days. I do what my heart doesn’t want to, I do not do what I am supposed to. Never occurred in my mind that, the more I love the person, the more I’d hurt her/ him— yet, I did just exactly that. I have become a new me, a worse version of my being. Easily irritated that’s me. Too sensitive and get angry almost to everything, that’s me too. I am possessed, aren’t I? Possessed by my alter-ego. I feel lost and trapped. Yet not knowing what direction I was looking for or what kind of trap has gotten my feet. I have been dragging myself far away from God, that’s what I knew for sure. The most crucial thing I shouldn’t have done, ever.
I hurt those whom I love the most.. those whose lives, to me, are more precious than mine. I hurt my little brother by my emotional explosion which resulted in upsetting words. I did not intend to scream those disgraceful words, I swear to God! But I just couldn’t control it. Then I regret it and let my nights be haunted by guilty feelings. I wished I had an undo button.

I’ve also been very impatient with my Mom and Dad, the two most important persons in my life. Nothing has changed, in terms of my love and respect to them. It is me that has changed. Nonetheless, I have no clue what or in what way I have been transformed to. All those not so polite words, I wished I had an undo button.
My sister got some sparks of my anger, of course. I found myself hard to accept suggestion and, not to mention, to argue. I had become a selfish person, almost arrogant. Aren’t I supposed to love my family and friends and even foreign people? The more I try to reason, the more I got lost in this self-uncertainty. I just wished I had an undo button.

I hate to mention this, but Ray probably has experienced the worse of my evilness. Why him? I don’t know. Maybe because he’s the one whom I love much, and that I communicate with him so often. Within less than a month, I had challenged his love, patience, and understanding. I pushed him against a wall and finally crossed the limit. I accused him doing what he did not, put all the blame on him, raged his peace with my anger. I can’t and won’t blame him for the hard situation we are in now. I started it and drove it worse. No one on earth, hell, or heaven should get the blame but me. And I just truly wished there’s an undo button.

Can someone find me the undo button?