Four months went by in a click! Yes, I have been happily married to the man of my dream, the love of my heart, R. Perfection is a matter of perception and standard set by personal preference. So I won't say my man is perfect. Moreover because nothing is perfect in this world. But I must say he is the one who is best suitted me. He is not only kind. He also matches me; levels my goodness yet complete my weaknesses.

While I am waiting for Candice and Elroy

As a woman, I kind of had the feeling. Woman knows when their body starts to change. It is hard to explain but we know. My stomach was bloated, I was feeling tired all the time especially during the day and easily irritated. Plus, I was late for my period for a little over a week. What else could that be? Then I decided to do a little peek with a test pack. Two lines. One was not as strong as the other but it was a confirmation, a happy one. I was overjoyed as well as terrified at the same time. All the “what ifs” was bouncing in my head and my heart. Ray was not much better than me in handling the news. Although I always knew he would be a great dad to our kids. Finally, I am about to be a mom, I am having a baby. Jakarta, 18 July 2015, I figured out I have a potential human being inside me. And it is one of the greatest feelings ever.

Every time I get the chance, I would gently rub my belly and tell my baby to be a good baby, be strong, stay healthy. I have some extra pimples that come to pay me sudden visit. But I do not mind, I don’t even touch my acne medication for a fear that it might not be good for my baby. The second week of my (so called) pregnancy, I got nausea easily. Noon would be the hardest battle for me to stay awake for my eyes just want to shut no matter what. I was putting some extra pounds on my scale. I do not mind, as long as my baby gets the nutrition she/he needs. The hardest part is to give up on coffee. Ah, the smell of freshly brewed coffee is the hardest seduction. Giving up on raw vegetables is hard too, although not as hard as avoiding those arabica and robusta beans. Baby stay strong okay, mommy loves you..

My early pregnancy was easy and smooth. No vomiting, no food craving. My mom said it is not yet the time for food craving. Later in my pregnancy I most likely will. I start imagining all the Manadonese foods I will probably drool for and mom or dad will rush to Bandung to bring me those. I know just how excited they are when it comes to grandchildren. And of course how they love us, their kids, so much. No matter how old I get, my mom and my dad still treat me like their little princes. Which I kind of love but often I don’t show them hehe..

Today, July 24^th 2015, I was ready to go to Dusun Bambu with my mother in law and little bro Billy. Yes, Billy has been in town for almost two weeks and we have been taking him around. But then my stomach wasn’t feeling right. It felt so tense with a tweaking pain that goes on and off. Plus I have some spotting on my undies, not much though. Ray’s mom told me to rest instead. So we called off the trip, worrying that I might be too tired and my pregnancy needs extra rest. I stayed at home the whole day and took most of the time sleeping. Nothing went wrong, no severe pain, no intense bleeding. Just some light spotting, brown spotting. Before going to bed at night I decided to change my undies and realize there was red blood, just a little. I was a little nervous but I thought I should be thinking positively and not to worry too much. And the abdominal pain has gone anyway. So I might just go to bed. Baby stay strong and healthy okay, mommy loves you.. God please protect my baby..

July 25^th. I wasn’t planning to see the doctor yet. But the spotting has become worse and turned to bleeding. Not so much blood, and the lower abdominal pain was not too bothersome. But everyone knows bleeding during pregnancy is not a good signal. So instead of going out, we decided to visit one of the supposed-to-be very experienced OBGYNs in town. Call him dr. W. I was so nervous, I kept a prayer in my heart. I got on the last of the queue, but because my case is an emergency one, the nurse let me see the doctor first. Dr. W did an abdominal usg but could not see things clearly. Supposedly because I am in such an early stage of pregnancy. Then he did the transvaginal usg, which was not a pleasant experience at all! My private part was penetrated with something other than my husband’s weenie, for the first time in my life. So it was quite shocking rather than painful. But the result was even more painful; the doctor could not detect my baby. Although, dr. W said that my uterus has thickened to the level that is a sign of early pregnancy. Additionally, the test pack showed positive result, and the signs in my body-change also are due to pregnancy. I was nervous, Yet I just want to hope for the best. Dr. W gave me some vitamins to make my uterus stronger to carry the embryo. So we were heading home, I am going to rest the whole day for my baby’s well being. But just when Billy was getting the car from the parking lot, suddenly I see Ray’s face became so bright as if there was a flashlight behind him, flashing directly to my eyes. My ears popped. My head was spinning and I wanted to vomit so badly. Ray said I was so pale. I could not feel the pain yet but I knew something really bad was coming. Oh God please protect my baby..

I was in so much pain on our way home. Never in my life felt such abdominal pain as painful as this one. I was cold-sweating, I curled on my seat. The pain was so overwhelming that I could not sit straight. By the time we reached home the pain was fading, so I decided to take the medications and sleep. Couple hours sleeping, with Ray waiting patiently next to me while playing his Football Manager. Suddenly, I woke up at 5ish in the afternoon with even greater cramp!! It was so painful I wanted to vomit. I went to the bathroom to pee, lots of blood. In so much pain I was I couldn’t help it but crying. I was down on the floor, couldn’t even stand. My hands were numb and my feet were so weak to walk to my bed. I was having a heavy cramp with the feeling like I want to do a bowel movement. My mother in law says that is exactly the feeling when a pregnant mom is about to deliver a baby. My heart skips a beat. Now, it is not only my stomach that is in unbearable pain, but my heart just broke into pieces. We rushed to the doctor. I am hopeless.

To keep the story short, I was given painkiller and had to have bed rest for couple days. I was bleeding pretty heavily. Too heavy for a pregnant mom I guess. There was even a big lump came out of me, which most likely be the embryo. I could feel my body change. Deep down in my heart I kind of knew my baby isn’t there anymore, but I keep denying it. Hoping that some kind of miracle will happen and the baby still stick somewhere in my uterus. But last night, May 28^th, we went back to dr. W. And no more baby. Even my uterus has cleaned up and is back to almost normal size. The test pack gave me the answer I hate to know, negative.

Heartbroken I am. But I still thank God for his protection, for giving me the best, most loving husband in the world. Ray was always beside me, taking care of me very patiently, hug me tightly when I tremble and cry. He was very handy in getting me what I needed; my clothes, my towel, toiletries, undies, etc. He even feed me so that I do not have to be off bed to eat my meals. I learnt that all boys will eventually grow up to be men but only few become gentlemen. Being gentleman is a way of life that only boys with bigger hearts will choose. Marrying Ray is one of my greatest blessings indeed. I am forever thankful for my husband, my best friend.

So, while I am waiting for Candice and Elroy to come into my life, I will learn to be more grateful for my daily blessings. I want to learn to be more appreciative and to show those whom I love, just how much I am thankful for them. And I believe that God’s timing is always the best. In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps (Proverbs 16:9).

  

Closer to being yours forever

Indoor pre-wedding photo shoot was done today!
I'm spilling some of those picture here, enjoy! :)

MUA: B.A. Mariana
Hairdo: Martin Zhulian
Photographer: HOP
Dresses: Hadi Chandra (Chandbride) and Kimoera Boutique
Models: Ray and Angel

Exactly 2 weeks from now!

excited and nervous at the same time..

not done with the preparations

not knowing what to expect from the Land of Onion

soon to walk down the isle..

It is 16th of February already!!!

83 days left until our BIG day! Goodness gracious that is less than 3 months! >.<

We are so far from being done with the preparations. I know people said that it will never be done until it is actually done/held. But for us, even the big parts are not done yet. Not to mention the small stuff. Jesus help us..

The good part is, Ray and I are handling it pretty well. I have had enough people telling me that I should be prepared for the worst fights during wedding prep. But so far, Ray and I are doing fine. Some little disagreements, of course.. But not big, real fights. Ray has been pretty cool about it. I have been less nagging and more hopeless haha..

Gosh.. How I wish I could just skip it to honeymoon! I bet that is the least stressful, if not the most enjoyable part, of a wedding! Especially since we are going to have 2 parts of honeymoon:
- Part I   : Bali (after Bandung reception)
- Part II  : Europe (after Manado reception)

I guess you can never get enough of honeymoon, can you? ;)

QZ 8501 and Me

My mind and heart are still pondering a lot on Airasia QZ 8501.

I just can't stop myself from imagining how devastated, scared, hopeless, and horrific it was to be on that plane, in the middle of the accident. God have mercy on their souls.. :(

Looking back to couple years ago when I was living abroad and Indonesia was only my vacation destination, I realized God has been uber good to me. I realize any horrible thing could have happened when I was on a plane, when I was out in the wild wild world. There are things beyond human control, beyond the anticipation of high tecnology devices. But God's protection is my stronghold indeed.

When I was still in Atlantic College for High School, I traveled a lot from London Heathrow to Manado, Indonesia. It was not a short flight, not to mention the transits. During my 2 years of education in the UK, I think I went home twice. Not to mention the flights I took to explore Europe. Many surprising things had happened while I was exploring that continent of Blue Blood. After the United Kingdom, I was blessed with another scholarship to study in the United States, at Kenyon College, Ohio. During my 4 years pursuing a Bachelor's Degree there, I travelled once a year to Indonesia and travelled to many other states too. These were couple events that I can recall in no particular order:

A bomb threat at Heathrow when I was there, I was on my way home and was waiting for my plane. People at home was watching the news and apparently there was a bomb threat at Heathrow airport just right at the moment. But they could not contact me. And I knew nothing about the terror. Yet nothing happened to me. Safe and sound.

One winter break I decided to stay in London with my Malaysian friends. They were Petronas scholars and the company provided them apartments during school breaks (awesome!). So, I decided, why not exploring London for 5 weeks? London was spectacular! A city I would glady reside for the rest of my life. But just like any other big city, it has its downside too. One night after running for an errand, a psychopath/maniac chased after my friend and I on our back to the apartment. We finally got into the appartment building, which required residential card to get in. So the guy couldn't get in. But he was looking at us from the glass door until we took the elevator. That was one of my scariest incident in Europe. I was to scared to go out for couple days.

One time when I came back to the UK after Christmas holiday in Manado. I was waiting for my train from Cardiff (the capital of Wales) to Llantwit Major. FYI, I had to take a plane from Manado to Singapore, Singapore to London (sometimes another transit in between), and then from London I had to take a 5-hour bus ride to Cardiff, took a 1-hour train to Llantwit Major, and then 15-mins taxi/bus ride to St. Donat's Castle, my school. While I was waiting at Cardiff train station, alone, couple 15-20 years old kids apporached me and tried to rob me!! They claimed that the bags I was carrying were theirs and draggigng those bags with them. I was confused, scared, panicked, didnt know what to do! Suddelny, one of my best friends, Tenzin appeared and yelled at them. She scared them away and took back my bags. She was an angel God sent to protect me just right in time.

Sometimes during my study, during a break, I visited my highschool buddy in Italy. With no comperhension on Italian language, I decided to go to Venice bymyself and got lost. I missed my train and somehow ended up with a foreign Indian guy with me (just the TWO of us in the train! Lord, scared to death I was!!!)

Also when I was visiting Val another time (this time she was studying in Maryland and I was in Ohio), a guy wiggled his tiny willie towards me on a Greyhound bus, I had to sit just two rows away from him for the whole journey (which took about 4-5 hours). Gosh that was a traumatic event indeed!

When I was a Kneyon College student, I joined the Chamber Singers and travelled with them to many parts of the USA. The final destination was in Baltimore Maryland. After that final tour, we all departed individually (not as a group anymore). Valentine was supposed to pick me up. But she remembered the wrong date. And I couldnt call her because she was out with her friends that night and didnt have her cell with her :( I was alone, not knowing where to spend the night. People were off to their firneds' places. And suddenly one of the church members, Marjorie, offered me a place to stay. To keep the story short, she ended up as one of the most important and dearest people I have met in the USA during my 4 years stay

By th help of Marjorie, I got an internship in University of Maryland for couple months. I stayed at Marjorie's house. She was just like a mother to me. A British-American mother I never had :) Sometimes I drove to work. But some other days I commuted, since the commuter there was new and nice and for FREE! I love free stuff! Who doesn't btw? hehe.. From Marjorie's place to the nearest station, I had to walk for about 10 minutes. One sunny day, on my way home, I was stopped by a random guy trying to do/get only-God-knows what from me. I was scared. But I took a gut to yelled at him, and somehow he backed off. If it wasnt the angel of God that had protected me, who knows he probably had ended up robbing me or stabbed me for yelling. Thank you Lord Jesus..

Another incident that I will never forget was the time when Kenyon was under a danger alert. It was just a typical night. It was in the middle of a week, so students were just studying, doing homework, preparing for exams, maybe some were in the gym.. I was in my room doing hw. And suddelny we all got text from campus security telling us that we had to stay locked in our room wherever we were and make sure to contact our group friends to make sure they were not wandering around. Apparently, a killer had killed 2 women and a kid, mutilated their bodies and dumped it on our campus area (including the bloody car). It was suspected that the killer was still wandering around and could be in any of the residential buildings (since we do not lock or buildings because there's no need for it! our Hill was the savest place on earth!). Some of my friends had to spend the night at the library, some at the gym, some at their friends' rooms. Wherever they were, they just had to stay there until sunlight. Cops were all over campus, I could hear the helicopters flying back and forth. They finally found the killer, which was IN CAMPUS! Gosh.. America and its horor

Those are just couple incidents that reminded me of how fragile my life is yet God's grace is enough for me to get going safely. If I am still happy healthy and alive now, it is merely by His grace alone. I had no control over so many unpredictable events that had happened in my life and the "will happen" ones. Yet God has been super awesome and good to me.

Remembering Airasia QZ 8501. It was a flight from Surabaya to Singapore. A rather short trip compared to my London-Manado (15-18 hrs) or Ohio-Manado (30-35 hrs) trips. Anything could have happened on any of my long flights across the vast deep oceans or during the multiple transits. I even transitted in Moskow twice. Could have ended up like the Malaysian Airlines plane, shot down by the Russian/Ukrinan militants.

After all that blessings from God, I realize I can never claim that my life is mine. God is the ultimate owner of  my life, my soul. And I can never thank God enough for everything that He has done for and given to me. I do not write this to compare myself to those who perished in the plane tragedies like MH 370 or Airasia 8501. I am just doing this to remind myself, and us all, that there is God who takes control over EVERYTHING. Sometimes we take this life for granted, persuming that our hard works are what keep us alive. Rememer that there is God. And that His love endures forever no matter what.

Thank you Lord Jesus.. For a new year for me to explore. 
For a new life with my Ray to look forward to
Thak you just simply for who You are, for your faithfulness
Because Your grace is enough.

Oct 11th, 2014

Oh by the way..
I got engaged to this AMAZING man last Oct.
Just when we celebrated our 5th anniversary, we finally took another step further: the engagement.
We are stronger than ever!

Because you are the richest when you are the happiest :)