A Fair Affair?

I was working
when he came through the door
he asked me
just how to spell "penniless"
is it with an "i" or a "y"

I never saw such pair of eyes
so scary that they pierce your soul
his silver-replaced lower jaw teeth
too terrifying to be truth

suddenly, I thought
that was perhaps the end of my chapter
maybe he's about to get a gun
that's hiding inside his brown baggy jacket
bang! one shot and The End.

Life can be so full of surprise
especially in the land of Uncle Sam
the land of the American Dream
the land of the Psychos

After a terrfying three minutes
I walked home, avoiding the muddy path
I liked the cluckle sound of my flats
they remind me of my high heels
that I once wore, at home
though I can't wear them here, in this land full of pressure,
I can still enjoy the saound of it
that's at least relieving, deliberating

even a woven hat in that car
looks like a lady
I swiped my card on the door, and get in
my shoulders have been carrying this backpack
four years, restless years
no wonder I was feeling like fainting the whole day
I checked but my thermometer said no fever
I am in my room
same old day, same old air
did my youth and happiness escape through the window?

Ghost

Depression. It's not the word I would think of regularly or spontaneously. It's obviously not a term people want to define themselves as. But sometimes you are given no choice. I was given no choice.

It's been almost a month or so. I struggle with this feelings of incompetency and self-worthlessness, not to metnion self-esteem deprived. My head is like a ballon, filled with water, and is still being filled with water, though it cannot contain anymore. It's swollen. But it has not burst yet. It is about to burst. In fact, it just wants to burst and end the pain. But the water is going on and off-- driving the poor balloon crazy.

My head hurts, just as much as my heart does. I cannot even be in close contact to my loved ones. Otherwise I'd just hurt them. I'd find the way to irritate or make them gloomy. And I'd feel even more depressed by doing so.

I do not hate anyone. I just hate the position I am in right now. I cannot see the purpose of all these emotional, psychological, and mental tortures that I am entitled of. I need no encouragement from anyone, including you. I need no advice. And I write to relsease the kinks in my head, not to be judged by anyone, including you. So, I would really appreciate if you do not leave any "there's a light at the end of tunnel" comments. Or just dont leave a comment at all.


Give me some space

In achieving one's dream(s)

it is not about whether you have the passion on it or not. But it's whether God wants you to do it, or not!

then passion, that He Himself would implant, will certainly grow in your heart.




and "don't be afraid. Just believe!"
~Mark 3:36

2 random thoughts

1. my musical soul is in LOVE with Gamaliel's.. ahhhhhh.. his voice is so sexy and his fingers are just great on that curvy accoustic guitar.. goshhhh >.<

2. one (female) doesn't need to be sexually attractive to be confident. For one needs not to please anyone, in order to be confident. Be confident and simply do it for yourself! =) **for those whom I truly fond of**

have a blessed Feb peeps!

it's 2011

I decided to skip 2 first days of my classes. Not much to lose, I guessed. Or even if I losed a little much, I just simply did not care.

Yesterday I arrived at CMH, wearing a pair of hot pants, a thin blouse, and a clearly-not-enough-for-winter hoody. I also arrived with no heart. For I have left my heart at my beloved ones' hands: 1/3 in Manado, 1/3 in Surabaya, and 1/3 in (as you may bet) Bandung. I knew the other passengers, who were all white people, were probably discussing about my "saltum" alias "Salah Kostum". Which was not really an accident. Neither did I do it on purpose. I just did not want to and could not think sanely on my last day in Indo. If Ko Andy's bro was not with me flying to Changi, I would have probably burst in tears.

Trying to be as wise as I can, I never stop reminding myself that this is going to be a fun semester! Though, schedule-wise it is probably not true. At least I always keep in mind that this might be my last 5 months being in the States, why not enjoy it to its bits? Yesterday, Tante Vera, one of the church members who picked me up at the airport, asked me how long I have been in Ohio. Gosh, I have been living in this land of "dead animals on roads" for nearly four years. Cannot believe this is my fourth year being an Ohio-an. Though I am not into Buckeyes as my other Indonesian fellas may, I still call ohio my second home. No matter how evil the snow storm trying to get your soul sometimes, I am still grateful I have the chance to come, learn, laugh, cry, smile, feel blue, be inspired, get discouraged, find true friends, find my love, undertsand the value of family, be angry, be crazy, be me in this land of America's Heart.

Starting my first day of classes with a letter of rejection from Loma Linda School of Dentistry was not the reason for me to smile. Yet, it is still a reason for me to be thankful. I thank God that I now have less options to be confused with =) I thank God for mom who's been checking on me multiple times since I arrived, and dad who-- as always-- checks every bit of my life as if I were 12 years old girl in a foreign country. haha.. I thank for my friends here and there. Life is good and full of blessings, only if I focus on seeking for its goodness and blessings. I relaized I had been complaining a lot in the past few months last year. So, this year is not gonna be a year of whatever-sounds-big-glorious-or-unreasonable. I simply want my 2011 to be a year of complaints free. Sounds too unreasonable? Let's say, 2011 is a year of complaints reduced to 90%.. Please pray for me to achieve that! =)

merci,
angel

**continued from previous post**

..I am currently in the dinning hall. Not eating, exactly.. I am studying for my PhiChem final (this coming Monday 6.30-9.30pm). Though I occasionally nyomot-nyomot when I feel like chewing.

Usually, during finals week, I will gain about 5-10 pounds due to overeating. Stressing out with academic stuff, for some reasons, wakens up my appetite monster in my gut. It is different currently though. I have been losing my appetite since about two weeks ago. Academically I am fine, besides my senior thesis that needs to be retouched. Emotionally, I am a wreck!

I just feel so done. So done living in the USA, so done with school. Just as much as I am tired of my routinity, I am also grateful for a great blaessing to be able to go to a prestigous school like Kenyon college-- which nickname is "Princeton of the Mid West" (never knew it until a patient, at a dental practice where I did my shadowing couple months ago, mentioned it). I am trully thankful for this opportunity. Please, do not get me wrong..

One thing that I learned from Kenyon academia: 1. If you like a course (like, ehm, Organic Chemistry) and you study hard for it.. it is not guaranteed that you'll get a kick-ass grade on that subject, 2. If you do not like a course, can hardly pay attention during the lecture, and have to chew many bubblegums to stay awake (like, ehm, Physical Chemistry) BUT if you study hard, you can possibly get an am-I-dreaming good grade. weird eh?

Ray is leaving.. Tuesday the 14th and I won't be able to call him whenever I want to, text him just because I am bored to death, ask him to go online ASAP, cry in front of him while we're webcam-ing and, within an hour or so, he'll be right next to me, hugging me closely.. giving my chubby cheeks some soft kisses.. He's my source of comfort, I won't deny it. God is my ultimate source of peace of mind, that is indisputable. But I really take joy in having to experience God's love through a human being, esp. through my beloved boy. I know he's not going that far, for he will always be in my heart and so will I in his heart. I am just too spoiled. Too much love can sometimes be unhealthy you see. It rots you! Hhhhhh..

Dental schools. Another issue that gives me real headache. we'll talk about it some other time.. I want my dinner.