It has almost been 3 years.. In less than a month we will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary. We have been through so much. Despite all the tears, there has always been so much love. I can't imagine being with somebody else but you. The nicest thing is that

night before leavin hEaven

Kangen

Ada kerinduan yang bagai rembulan

Malu-malu ia di balik awan yang enggan tuk terjaga

Tapi sinarnya merona, membangunkan  sang Mega

Tersipu, rindu, ditertawakan kelipan bintang-bintang

Angin sepoi bahkan terlelap sudah

Seharian menari godai rumput hijau dan ilalang gersang

Adakah malam kan menjemput gulana di dada?

Atau mungkin harus kutunggu sampai 100 malam lamanya

Debu nakal sejenak menyatu dengan bumi

Lelah dia menari-nari tanpa henti sepanjang hari

Mungkin sampai mentari pagi godai hati

Aku tetap merindu, lupakan panggilan malam tuk sejenak terbuai mimpi

Kamu anginku, debu nakalku, mentariku

Biar Mega dan awan jadi puisi yang kulukis dihatimu

Kalau harus ku termenung di sini tuk pikirkan kamu

Sampai nanti pun kan tetap di sini, temani hatiku yang kelu merindu

Walau bintang kecil terkekeh 

mengintip kelu rasaku..

:(

I'm becoming someone else.. sadly..

I had never encountered..

such rese..
such munafik..
such hypocrate..
such ruthless..
person who is, suppsoedly, be a noble and respected person.

Always komplain "ini orang menjengkelkan blah blah blah..". Well, wajar kalo orang jadi menjengkelkan because you are such a trouble maker and nerve wracking person. The MOST one, on planet earth. Or maybe people aren't actually being menjegkelkan to you, it is just you are so annoying that you think of others so negatively..

Kalo di belakang orangnya, ngomong so super jahat. But 5 mins later, you called that person dan ngomong manisssss banget OMG so munafik..

It's her wedding in 3 days.. Just leave her alone..

There are certain things you don't get to choose in life-- you are just born with it or to be that way. I was. I didn't choose to. But somehow obliged to retain the great and sincere love in my heart.

Sometimes I even doubt if I am loved

Purpose driven life?

Ca va, world!

It feels like gazillion years ago since the last time I made any footprint on my dearly blog— truly a faithful friend of mine, always listen never complain.

Life has never been this "interesting", ever. Being such a complete perfectionist has served my life some interesting episodes thus far. Nevertheless, such nerve wracking attitude often brings me into troubles, both intentionally and unintentionally. To keep my epilogue short and simple— I have never been in a life stage when I could hardly compose myself in terms of life goals, except now. Frankly speaking, I am directionally challenged. Not literally but philosophically. They said that one does not find happiness, but happiness will find one when ones heart is grateful enough to embrace it. I am not saying that I am unhappy with what the world has in store to offer me. Neither am I complaining about the— somehow feels so pointless— routine that I am stuck with at the moment. Such ruthless ennui never cost me a high price of worthless feeling (though, believe me, I have survived such devastating state of self and mind). I could cope with anything but not having a clear sense of determination. Having a blurry vision of my fate and calling sets off the light in my heart. Though one has perfect eyes, what can one meaningfully seek when the light in ones heart is rancid?

I don't buy bullshit. I distaste the fact that I am just living by, or when I feel like I am. My whole life had always been with a crystal clear statement of what I want to do and reach within a certain span of time. For a long time, I used to be an overachiever. As eerily annoying as it might sound, I dared to enjoy being one. When I wanted something, I worked my ass off not to have it, but to EARN it. To get the very best of it, the best of my standard. Like the fact that I stopped cheating during exams started on 7th grade and has managed to do so up to now, some people just simply can't comprehend. Or they even distrust my confession, my little pride. Some of them were even disgusted. I could tell from their eyes, which tried to yell at me; "you nonsense big mouthed person!" But, luckily, the hard side of my heart holds true that it is not my job to please everyone. Wherever I go, there will be at least one person who simply doesn't like me for whatever reason. Sometimes, those people are mean enough to hate me just for the way I am. And, for sure, none of their concern affects the way I value myself. If you don't walk in my shoes, you simply can't judge me. And I don't give a damn s***.

Poverty shall not make one feels unsuccessful, just like sickness shall not make one feels incompetent. The feeling of hunger and suffering are tricks played by our minds. Whatever we are will remain the same, as long as we manage to not let the external factor affects our beautiful God given values, and the way we perceive them. But a purposeless life is simply an act of no living. It is the poorest estate one could possibly live in. It is the most dragging movie which can make one dies of boredom. It makes ones soul thirsts and mind wanders endlessly. Just exactly the way I feel lately..

Quenching the heart and mind of a melancholic perfectionist has never been a cup of tea. The destructive side effect that has been haunting me is that my purposeless life has downgraded me into becoming a mediocre: no excellence comes from being a mediocre but a grande collection of wishes and regrets. When it starts to weaken my fierce (and sometimes heartless) alter ego, I know it has reached the up top limit. I can’t cope having more meaningless days. Forfeit? That’s not a word that exists in my dictionary. Regardless of how clueless I am right now, I am not giving in. My life is a determined one and will always be. People can laugh at me for being such a stubborn idealist but who cares? Well, at least I don’t! Being idealist led Che Guevara to bring the revolution—that shook the arrogant World— in Latin America. There would not have been an angelic Mother Theresa if she did not urge to stay devoted to her version of being such an idealist servant of God. But idealism was also the one main factor that gave birth into Adolf Hitler. The point is, I have no choice but to eventually become either one of those kinds of strong willed people. One thing I know for sure; I will make a difference.

I don’t care that my brain and heart are trying to fool me. The expectation of my organs and hormones working in accord to support my ambition hardly occurs in my principle. I just know I am the one He had chosen to do some great, specific callings of which no one else capable of doing. Even with the fact that my belief in Him is, actually, in disguise. God is out there. His help is always on time. Meanwhile, I am counting on my lingering traces of faith. Hope they’ll be enough.

a lil racy this time *smooch*

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Regardless of what one may think of me, your human conscience just cannot deny that Adam Levine is smokin' HAWTTTTT! Without any intention to offend anyone (well, I guess if there's anyone at all who could be offended by this post, that would most likely be Ray lol) I just simply think this dude has the very reason to be such a jerk he is-- sexy voice, seducing face, just parfait body (not too muscular; too well-done body scares me off! Not my taste), long legs, juicy looking lips, stylish hair, what else?!

Not that I wished those red-painted-nails hands were mine <3

10 Sept 2007

Today, I saw people through my window
No faces seemed to be happy
I thought I knew the reason
It’s the weather. Yes, he is blamey
Crappy breeze that sets one’s soul like a widow

I am neither happy
Neither do I have the same reason not to be so
Just as much as I miss to be sincerely jolly
Deeply I long for my dearest family too

Never had I said a regret of HIS work
It’s just too much to bear, it is indeed
No pride no name, no either I seek
Don’t want to be blue that’s what I am in need

Often I remember a say of the wise men;
There is no gain without pain
The soul will have no rainbow
If the eyes have no tears

Eventually I realized
How too blessed I am to weep for
Trinity that fondly lead
Preparing my future, counting my tear

Then I looked again through the window
No one passed by. No rainbow
But then I saw a sweet calming spring
When I bravely deiced to look through the window inside me

HE sets my soul alight!