Undo Button

Aren’t I, me?

I feel semi-conscious these days. I do what my heart doesn’t want to, I do not do what I am supposed to. Never occurred in my mind that, the more I love the person, the more I’d hurt her/ him— yet, I did just exactly that. I have become a new me, a worse version of my being. Easily irritated that’s me. Too sensitive and get angry almost to everything, that’s me too. I am possessed, aren’t I? Possessed by my alter-ego. I feel lost and trapped. Yet not knowing what direction I was looking for or what kind of trap has gotten my feet. I have been dragging myself far away from God, that’s what I knew for sure. The most crucial thing I shouldn’t have done, ever.
I hurt those whom I love the most.. those whose lives, to me, are more precious than mine. I hurt my little brother by my emotional explosion which resulted in upsetting words. I did not intend to scream those disgraceful words, I swear to God! But I just couldn’t control it. Then I regret it and let my nights be haunted by guilty feelings. I wished I had an undo button.

I’ve also been very impatient with my Mom and Dad, the two most important persons in my life. Nothing has changed, in terms of my love and respect to them. It is me that has changed. Nonetheless, I have no clue what or in what way I have been transformed to. All those not so polite words, I wished I had an undo button.
My sister got some sparks of my anger, of course. I found myself hard to accept suggestion and, not to mention, to argue. I had become a selfish person, almost arrogant. Aren’t I supposed to love my family and friends and even foreign people? The more I try to reason, the more I got lost in this self-uncertainty. I just wished I had an undo button.

I hate to mention this, but Ray probably has experienced the worse of my evilness. Why him? I don’t know. Maybe because he’s the one whom I love much, and that I communicate with him so often. Within less than a month, I had challenged his love, patience, and understanding. I pushed him against a wall and finally crossed the limit. I accused him doing what he did not, put all the blame on him, raged his peace with my anger. I can’t and won’t blame him for the hard situation we are in now. I started it and drove it worse. No one on earth, hell, or heaven should get the blame but me. And I just truly wished there’s an undo button.

Can someone find me the undo button?

insomnia

it's August! already..

Can't believe I am home already, almost 100% settled dwon.. well, not until I go back to school I guess. And see how I'll like it. Yep, this Monday I am going back to school. Doing something so out of my area-- LAW! I won't be offended by any surprised faces or questions which doubt or underestimate me.. or simply confused statements. have had tons of those. Kinda tiring to recitate the same answers and explanations again and again. But my tounge is getting used to eat. My heart is too. I don't feel like extending my thought and explanation here, about me and my decision to pursue law. I promise to write about it, sooner or later. But yea, this Monday I will be going back to school. Nervous? Not quite so. I wished I had the excitement of going back to school, to a new school, doing something completely new to me. But at leat I don't take it as a burden. Too relax I am, that I hope I won't be taking this course half-heartedly.

*I am using my sis' computer and I so hate it btw!!*

Ray and I are going good. Stronger than ever. Just had a pretty bad fight over the phone couple weeks ago. But it's all good. Couples who fight are the ones that still really love each other =) I miss him tho.. I was in Jkt for a bit last month and got to see, hug, and k*** him. But he was working, so ofcourse I didn't get to have his full time and attention during my stay in the City =/ but anyhow, I guess we both are used to the LDR. We even started it as LDR, Kenyon-Columbus. So nothing to worry about really..

However, I dont want this LDR to be too long. I mean, the longest one was 6 months ot seeing each other-- he graduated and moved back to Indo while I was still finishing my degree in Ohio, USA. We managed to ace the time down.. whitout realizing the dangerous side effect..

to keep the story simple. Ray told me that he felt very foreign when we first met in Jakarta. Hugging me feels nothing, and I also could tell. I tld him that he neednt say a athing about it, I already knew. For I can cleverly read his body language more than anyone else, I believe. It took Ray couple days to really feel that I am the one he has been waiting for. In his thought, nothing change about our relationship, about me whom his heart longed for. But when we meet, he felt like the one in his memory isn't the one he's seeing. I was sad. Can you imagine, when you were so on fire, meeting the one you dear so highly, and he said "I don't feel aything"? I was so scared that distance will seperate us-- that was the first time we both got scared aout LDR, and understood why people said LDR ain't a cup of tea. It is indeed not a piece of banana bread.

But as I spent more time with him, I could feel that he finally recovered from his "insomnia".. through his hug, the way he holds my hand, and his eyes. Since the, we commited to try to see each other at least every 2-3 months. We still have 3.5 years to go. Our love will be challanged by time, distance, and circumstances. If we can pass the test, I believe nothing can fail our love.

cant wait to see him in Nov =)