A Fair Affair?

I was working
when he came through the door
he asked me
just how to spell "penniless"
is it with an "i" or a "y"

I never saw such pair of eyes
so scary that they pierce your soul
his silver-replaced lower jaw teeth
too terrifying to be truth

suddenly, I thought
that was perhaps the end of my chapter
maybe he's about to get a gun
that's hiding inside his brown baggy jacket
bang! one shot and The End.

Life can be so full of surprise
especially in the land of Uncle Sam
the land of the American Dream
the land of the Psychos

After a terrfying three minutes
I walked home, avoiding the muddy path
I liked the cluckle sound of my flats
they remind me of my high heels
that I once wore, at home
though I can't wear them here, in this land full of pressure,
I can still enjoy the saound of it
that's at least relieving, deliberating

even a woven hat in that car
looks like a lady
I swiped my card on the door, and get in
my shoulders have been carrying this backpack
four years, restless years
no wonder I was feeling like fainting the whole day
I checked but my thermometer said no fever
I am in my room
same old day, same old air
did my youth and happiness escape through the window?

T_T

it's almost 2.30am and I still cannot fall asleep.. =(

I am so terribly sleepy that I have a terrible headache right now. But I cannot sleep because my heart is pounding. Pounding very hard and fast as if it is being chased by a dog, or a ghost, or an Organic Chem exam.

I have nothing due tomorrow. I am not worrying about anything specifically. I do not know what's wrong with me. R said probably I should drink some water, I did. It did not work so I thought I would just sit in the toilet, in case if I probably need to do some bowel movements. It did not help. I played Texas Hold 'Em in my bb, I got dizzy. But can't fall asleep. What's wrong with my heart?

Ghost

Depression. It's not the word I would think of regularly or spontaneously. It's obviously not a term people want to define themselves as. But sometimes you are given no choice. I was given no choice.

It's been almost a month or so. I struggle with this feelings of incompetency and self-worthlessness, not to metnion self-esteem deprived. My head is like a ballon, filled with water, and is still being filled with water, though it cannot contain anymore. It's swollen. But it has not burst yet. It is about to burst. In fact, it just wants to burst and end the pain. But the water is going on and off-- driving the poor balloon crazy.

My head hurts, just as much as my heart does. I cannot even be in close contact to my loved ones. Otherwise I'd just hurt them. I'd find the way to irritate or make them gloomy. And I'd feel even more depressed by doing so.

I do not hate anyone. I just hate the position I am in right now. I cannot see the purpose of all these emotional, psychological, and mental tortures that I am entitled of. I need no encouragement from anyone, including you. I need no advice. And I write to relsease the kinks in my head, not to be judged by anyone, including you. So, I would really appreciate if you do not leave any "there's a light at the end of tunnel" comments. Or just dont leave a comment at all.


Give me some space

Aku

Kemana kah harus ku cari
Arti dari setiap hembusan ini
Hatiku tak se suci namaku
Gairah ku, sembunyi dia di balik batu
Esok enggan tuk jadi elok
Noda ku, nista ku, tak pantas Kau tengok

Rasa ini, setengah berlari
Andai bisa sejenak berhenti
Yang ku tau aku butuh menepi

A. nervosa

there is a small voice
it comes from a small corner of my heart
it whispers and makes a noise
just take it, life is hard

it says that I have no control over anything
yet I can decide to have one
when everything is trembling
I still have a power over my body, to be as what I want

I try to grab, but my fingers crimps
I kneel to pray, but God says "I cannot be reached"
when confidence, motivation, and courage have become just dreams
I guess I just need to vomit, and forget the word "eat"

Can't even cry

the first time EVER in my life to FAIL an exam T_T

I was SHOCK (not to mention how sad I was and still am..)


My first Biochemistry exam turned out to be my first F. Gosh, I feel like I am such an incompetent scientist. Maybe I am.. ='(

Only One

the one that I love
might not send flowers on valnetine's day
yet he always makes sure that I have enough
love and trust, so what else can I say?

the one that I care
sometimes takes forever to reply my text
but he'll never let anyone to even dare
to mess around with me or to ever vex

the one that I adore
often can be so forgetful
still I want him more and more
I am so in love and, ah, don't mind being a fool!

the one that I wanna give houndred hugs
has shared so many happiness and tears with me
and the answer will be "just because"
if you ask me "why it is him that my heart sees?"

the one that owns my heart
standing there, thousand miles apart
but his smile makes me at home
and his heart is totaly my own

the one that's you
I love you, and will always do!

<3

In achieving one's dream(s)

it is not about whether you have the passion on it or not. But it's whether God wants you to do it, or not!

then passion, that He Himself would implant, will certainly grow in your heart.




and "don't be afraid. Just believe!"
~Mark 3:36

Kosong

Dia yang ku cinta
tak sanggup tuk ku peluk, ku rengkuh
Dia dengan semua tulus cintaNya
haruskah rasa ini ku kubur, kubiarkan beku?

kalau sayang, itu tak perlu kau tanya
hati ini sepenuhnya milikMu, untukMu
namun gelisah yang ada
jauhkan aku dariMu, semu jiwaKu

tak layak tuk terima
walau hampir gila aku mencinta
walau Kau mau aku ada
kubertanya adakah aku layak, berharga?

esok rindu kujelang
esok rindu ku di dalam naungMu
esok, haruskah kau kukenang?
esok mungkin ku harus mampu tanpamu

aku abu-abu
harus menangis atau tertawa pun aku tak tau
aku yang layu
haruskah aku lalu?

yang ku damba Kau, ku butuh kasihMu
yang ku sayang kau, ku tak mau jadi dosamu

2 random thoughts

1. my musical soul is in LOVE with Gamaliel's.. ahhhhhh.. his voice is so sexy and his fingers are just great on that curvy accoustic guitar.. goshhhh >.<

2. one (female) doesn't need to be sexually attractive to be confident. For one needs not to please anyone, in order to be confident. Be confident and simply do it for yourself! =) **for those whom I truly fond of**

have a blessed Feb peeps!

Misunderstanding.

No one likes to be misunderstood, I bet. But sometimes, or often, misunderstanding is just unavoidable. Out of nowhere, I recalled this not-so-heartwarming event that happened between me and R. We fought, verbally, of course, and it was one of our worst fights we have ever had.

Whenever I am having my monthly tsunami attacking me, it's like a "Beware of Dog! KEEP OUT!" sign, seriously. I can be so emotionally engaged in EVERYTHING. I feel sad and not in mood. I can potentially feel down and/ or hopeless for no reason. Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me (weird eh? If you are a boy, just accept this as a fact and do not question it! lol). Often I would cry out of something that lightly annoys me and it could be whatever: from bad weather, inappropriate jokes, late appointment, schoolwork, homesick, to R's tardiness in responding my text, etc etc. Another fact about me during my monthly gift is that the closer I am to a person, the more easily that person can offend me (this is just PLAIN WEIRD! I do not even know how to explain this!). So yea, it was during one of those days. It was on the 2nd day (girls know what I'm talking about. If you are a boy, consult the nearest girl). And R was aware of the fact that, with the cram that I was struggling with, I could explode ANYTIME! The sun was up and smiling warmly to us. We, with couple other friends, were on the way to Purdue for a Permias yearly thing. I was all excited despite of my not-so-fit physical and emotional conditions. Things were going good. Until I read one of those messages, sent by one of his friends, in his cell.


WRITER DISCLAIMER: Unlike many other couples, R and I do not mind about reading each other's texts, emails, etc etc. In fact, we even share our passwords of many things. So, the fact that I was reading his message, was completely under his knowledge and permission.

continue..

So ya, the message from that little imp was not impressive at any level. I was not pleased at all with his half-joking but rather impolite comment. Perhaps I was under my estrogen control. But what I remember was that I was outraged. I hated him (at that time)! I dislike him for being disrespectful to someone whom I love so much, R. I felt disrespected too! It was in a group conversation, and that made it even worse! Though R did not take it seriously, I took it SERIOUSLY. R is a very laid back person. I am the complete opposite of him. And for me, whoever nags him, nags me as well! So I told R how uneasy his friend made me and R understood. Though the only word(s) he kept on saying was "Iya.. Iya.. Udah".

Many days had passed. I should not have held any grudge toward that imp (I do not want to mention a name or initial here). In fact, I do not hate him. We just probably won't ever be best friend. Fair enough rite? And I made a clear statement to R that he should never expect me to become a close friend of that particular friend of him. I do not have any hatred towards that imp anymore, don't get me wrong! I just don't think his personality and the way he communicates match mine. I told R, I can respect that imp as a favor and a form of my love toward R. So ya, as you could guess, I was not settled yet. Even after couple days of the incident, it still tickled my heart sometimes. That imp's words, not so much. R's words, VERY MUCH!

So yea, to make the long story short, I'll just go to the point. Well, I also do not have any intention to share too-personal moments of mine in so much detail here-- where everyone who has internet access can read it! We ended up with a big argument, with me crying (of course). He got me wrong. COMPLETELY wrong. He thought this and that and this and that. And I told him WHY I was holding back about that thing! It was not really about what his friend had said. What that imp had said really is the starter of our arguments. But what annoyed me and turned me into an annoying girl were his RESPONSES, my loved one's CARELESS responses! Screw that imp! I won't spend so much energy dwelling on his silly words. For goodness sake, it's not worth it! So I explained to R that I was so very uneasy all this time because HE DID NOT COMMENT AT ALL ABOUT IT. That the way he say "Iya..iya.. udah..", to me it means "Okay Angel, I got it. But I don't think my friend was wrong. You are just being too sensitive". That was what made me ANGRY!! I did not even know that R ended up talking to his friend about it. How would you suppose me to know that you understand my feelings and stand for me if you never said anything about it, TO ME? I figured out that he told his friend that he did not find his action pleasing at all. He stood for me. Unfortunately I had to figure it out while we were fighting =(

It had been a while since that incident and we never talked about it anymore. I never expected him to talk to his friend, I swear to God! I just wanted to hear what he thinks about it. I just wanted to hear him telling me that he understands how I feel, that he thinks what his friend has done was not right. THAT'S IT! Saying "Iya iya.. Udah" can be very misleading, can't it? I want to feel like he is someone who will protect me from whoever who hurts me, not the other way around. Before the fight, I really thought he was defending his friend and that thought irritated me. I also thought he just simply don;t care about my feelings and that hurt me A LOT! I did apologize to him though, for unconsciously putting him in a hard position and for being so angry at him that time. He also apologized me for not being open. We both realized that it takes TIME to understand our partner's personalities. Though it was not a pleasant memory, we both took lessons from it and we just simply knew each other better :)

The take home messages from this incident:
1. It takes time to understand a person in a very personal level
2. communication is a two-way street.
3. Understanding is the key to a healthy relationship
4. NEVER fight in front of others, even if they are your very close friends.
5. if someone does not love you in the way you want him/ her to, it does not mean he/she does not love you with all his heart.

I love you, Ray! =)