**continued from previous post**

..I am currently in the dinning hall. Not eating, exactly.. I am studying for my PhiChem final (this coming Monday 6.30-9.30pm). Though I occasionally nyomot-nyomot when I feel like chewing.

Usually, during finals week, I will gain about 5-10 pounds due to overeating. Stressing out with academic stuff, for some reasons, wakens up my appetite monster in my gut. It is different currently though. I have been losing my appetite since about two weeks ago. Academically I am fine, besides my senior thesis that needs to be retouched. Emotionally, I am a wreck!

I just feel so done. So done living in the USA, so done with school. Just as much as I am tired of my routinity, I am also grateful for a great blaessing to be able to go to a prestigous school like Kenyon college-- which nickname is "Princeton of the Mid West" (never knew it until a patient, at a dental practice where I did my shadowing couple months ago, mentioned it). I am trully thankful for this opportunity. Please, do not get me wrong..

One thing that I learned from Kenyon academia: 1. If you like a course (like, ehm, Organic Chemistry) and you study hard for it.. it is not guaranteed that you'll get a kick-ass grade on that subject, 2. If you do not like a course, can hardly pay attention during the lecture, and have to chew many bubblegums to stay awake (like, ehm, Physical Chemistry) BUT if you study hard, you can possibly get an am-I-dreaming good grade. weird eh?

Ray is leaving.. Tuesday the 14th and I won't be able to call him whenever I want to, text him just because I am bored to death, ask him to go online ASAP, cry in front of him while we're webcam-ing and, within an hour or so, he'll be right next to me, hugging me closely.. giving my chubby cheeks some soft kisses.. He's my source of comfort, I won't deny it. God is my ultimate source of peace of mind, that is indisputable. But I really take joy in having to experience God's love through a human being, esp. through my beloved boy. I know he's not going that far, for he will always be in my heart and so will I in his heart. I am just too spoiled. Too much love can sometimes be unhealthy you see. It rots you! Hhhhhh..

Dental schools. Another issue that gives me real headache. we'll talk about it some other time.. I want my dinner.

My Desember kelabu

Let it snow let it snow let me cry..

It's been a week, or maybe even more than a week.. I have been crying. Everyday. Not 24/7, but literally everyday. Once or twice, if not three times a day. My eyes do not look like human eyes anymore. They look rather like panda eyes, dark and puffy.

I HATE the feeling of losing. My heart just cannot handle such sorrow of losing three beloved people in less than a month. Janet and Ariel had moved on, taking bigger steps and opening new pages of their books of life. I skyped with Janet yesterday. She looked happy and relaxed, which she really deserved. I miss her.. Ariel has finally met her gf of 3 years. Having not to see each other since they started dating must been very tough. I am trully happy to see him so content being home. Meeting the ones he loves much. Ray, my source of comfort in cold Ohio and stressful Kenyon academia, is about to leave me alone. Leave me behind with another four-month full of not-so-fun school work and all the hassle of my last semester on this Hill. I wished he could be here for my last Philander Phling this coming Phebruary. I wished he would be here, celebrating with me his 23rd birthday. I wished he could be here for my graduation. But at least there's something to be lookinf forward for: Ray is visiting me at home this coming January. Finally he'll get the chance to meet with my family, am so excited! =)

Perhaps, God want me to learn. Or rather it's a reminder, that I should not stay in my comfort zone all the time. That I should learn to care about and dare to know others, others outside my "group".

to be continued..