While I am waiting for Candice and Elroy

As a woman, I kind of had the feeling. Woman knows when their body starts to change. It is hard to explain but we know. My stomach was bloated, I was feeling tired all the time especially during the day and easily irritated. Plus, I was late for my period for a little over a week. What else could that be? Then I decided to do a little peek with a test pack. Two lines. One was not as strong as the other but it was a confirmation, a happy one. I was overjoyed as well as terrified at the same time. All the “what ifs” was bouncing in my head and my heart. Ray was not much better than me in handling the news. Although I always knew he would be a great dad to our kids. Finally, I am about to be a mom, I am having a baby. Jakarta, 18 July 2015, I figured out I have a potential human being inside me. And it is one of the greatest feelings ever.

Every time I get the chance, I would gently rub my belly and tell my baby to be a good baby, be strong, stay healthy. I have some extra pimples that come to pay me sudden visit. But I do not mind, I don’t even touch my acne medication for a fear that it might not be good for my baby. The second week of my (so called) pregnancy, I got nausea easily. Noon would be the hardest battle for me to stay awake for my eyes just want to shut no matter what. I was putting some extra pounds on my scale. I do not mind, as long as my baby gets the nutrition she/he needs. The hardest part is to give up on coffee. Ah, the smell of freshly brewed coffee is the hardest seduction. Giving up on raw vegetables is hard too, although not as hard as avoiding those arabica and robusta beans. Baby stay strong okay, mommy loves you..

My early pregnancy was easy and smooth. No vomiting, no food craving. My mom said it is not yet the time for food craving. Later in my pregnancy I most likely will. I start imagining all the Manadonese foods I will probably drool for and mom or dad will rush to Bandung to bring me those. I know just how excited they are when it comes to grandchildren. And of course how they love us, their kids, so much. No matter how old I get, my mom and my dad still treat me like their little princes. Which I kind of love but often I don’t show them hehe..

Today, July 24^th 2015, I was ready to go to Dusun Bambu with my mother in law and little bro Billy. Yes, Billy has been in town for almost two weeks and we have been taking him around. But then my stomach wasn’t feeling right. It felt so tense with a tweaking pain that goes on and off. Plus I have some spotting on my undies, not much though. Ray’s mom told me to rest instead. So we called off the trip, worrying that I might be too tired and my pregnancy needs extra rest. I stayed at home the whole day and took most of the time sleeping. Nothing went wrong, no severe pain, no intense bleeding. Just some light spotting, brown spotting. Before going to bed at night I decided to change my undies and realize there was red blood, just a little. I was a little nervous but I thought I should be thinking positively and not to worry too much. And the abdominal pain has gone anyway. So I might just go to bed. Baby stay strong and healthy okay, mommy loves you.. God please protect my baby..

July 25^th. I wasn’t planning to see the doctor yet. But the spotting has become worse and turned to bleeding. Not so much blood, and the lower abdominal pain was not too bothersome. But everyone knows bleeding during pregnancy is not a good signal. So instead of going out, we decided to visit one of the supposed-to-be very experienced OBGYNs in town. Call him dr. W. I was so nervous, I kept a prayer in my heart. I got on the last of the queue, but because my case is an emergency one, the nurse let me see the doctor first. Dr. W did an abdominal usg but could not see things clearly. Supposedly because I am in such an early stage of pregnancy. Then he did the transvaginal usg, which was not a pleasant experience at all! My private part was penetrated with something other than my husband’s weenie, for the first time in my life. So it was quite shocking rather than painful. But the result was even more painful; the doctor could not detect my baby. Although, dr. W said that my uterus has thickened to the level that is a sign of early pregnancy. Additionally, the test pack showed positive result, and the signs in my body-change also are due to pregnancy. I was nervous, Yet I just want to hope for the best. Dr. W gave me some vitamins to make my uterus stronger to carry the embryo. So we were heading home, I am going to rest the whole day for my baby’s well being. But just when Billy was getting the car from the parking lot, suddenly I see Ray’s face became so bright as if there was a flashlight behind him, flashing directly to my eyes. My ears popped. My head was spinning and I wanted to vomit so badly. Ray said I was so pale. I could not feel the pain yet but I knew something really bad was coming. Oh God please protect my baby..

I was in so much pain on our way home. Never in my life felt such abdominal pain as painful as this one. I was cold-sweating, I curled on my seat. The pain was so overwhelming that I could not sit straight. By the time we reached home the pain was fading, so I decided to take the medications and sleep. Couple hours sleeping, with Ray waiting patiently next to me while playing his Football Manager. Suddenly, I woke up at 5ish in the afternoon with even greater cramp!! It was so painful I wanted to vomit. I went to the bathroom to pee, lots of blood. In so much pain I was I couldn’t help it but crying. I was down on the floor, couldn’t even stand. My hands were numb and my feet were so weak to walk to my bed. I was having a heavy cramp with the feeling like I want to do a bowel movement. My mother in law says that is exactly the feeling when a pregnant mom is about to deliver a baby. My heart skips a beat. Now, it is not only my stomach that is in unbearable pain, but my heart just broke into pieces. We rushed to the doctor. I am hopeless.

To keep the story short, I was given painkiller and had to have bed rest for couple days. I was bleeding pretty heavily. Too heavy for a pregnant mom I guess. There was even a big lump came out of me, which most likely be the embryo. I could feel my body change. Deep down in my heart I kind of knew my baby isn’t there anymore, but I keep denying it. Hoping that some kind of miracle will happen and the baby still stick somewhere in my uterus. But last night, May 28^th, we went back to dr. W. And no more baby. Even my uterus has cleaned up and is back to almost normal size. The test pack gave me the answer I hate to know, negative.

Heartbroken I am. But I still thank God for his protection, for giving me the best, most loving husband in the world. Ray was always beside me, taking care of me very patiently, hug me tightly when I tremble and cry. He was very handy in getting me what I needed; my clothes, my towel, toiletries, undies, etc. He even feed me so that I do not have to be off bed to eat my meals. I learnt that all boys will eventually grow up to be men but only few become gentlemen. Being gentleman is a way of life that only boys with bigger hearts will choose. Marrying Ray is one of my greatest blessings indeed. I am forever thankful for my husband, my best friend.

So, while I am waiting for Candice and Elroy to come into my life, I will learn to be more grateful for my daily blessings. I want to learn to be more appreciative and to show those whom I love, just how much I am thankful for them. And I believe that God’s timing is always the best. In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps (Proverbs 16:9).

  

Blame it on the boogie

I know I shouln't be writing here.. But I just can't help myself.

In the middle of midterms (people here call it UTS) and I literally have no pressure to study. AT ALL.

I hope people don't get me wrong-- as if I am underestimating Law. It's just that when one does something with no interest in it, one will tend to do it half-heartedly.

Can I put the blame on the boogie this time then?

Undo Button

Aren’t I, me?

I feel semi-conscious these days. I do what my heart doesn’t want to, I do not do what I am supposed to. Never occurred in my mind that, the more I love the person, the more I’d hurt her/ him— yet, I did just exactly that. I have become a new me, a worse version of my being. Easily irritated that’s me. Too sensitive and get angry almost to everything, that’s me too. I am possessed, aren’t I? Possessed by my alter-ego. I feel lost and trapped. Yet not knowing what direction I was looking for or what kind of trap has gotten my feet. I have been dragging myself far away from God, that’s what I knew for sure. The most crucial thing I shouldn’t have done, ever.
I hurt those whom I love the most.. those whose lives, to me, are more precious than mine. I hurt my little brother by my emotional explosion which resulted in upsetting words. I did not intend to scream those disgraceful words, I swear to God! But I just couldn’t control it. Then I regret it and let my nights be haunted by guilty feelings. I wished I had an undo button.

I’ve also been very impatient with my Mom and Dad, the two most important persons in my life. Nothing has changed, in terms of my love and respect to them. It is me that has changed. Nonetheless, I have no clue what or in what way I have been transformed to. All those not so polite words, I wished I had an undo button.
My sister got some sparks of my anger, of course. I found myself hard to accept suggestion and, not to mention, to argue. I had become a selfish person, almost arrogant. Aren’t I supposed to love my family and friends and even foreign people? The more I try to reason, the more I got lost in this self-uncertainty. I just wished I had an undo button.

I hate to mention this, but Ray probably has experienced the worse of my evilness. Why him? I don’t know. Maybe because he’s the one whom I love much, and that I communicate with him so often. Within less than a month, I had challenged his love, patience, and understanding. I pushed him against a wall and finally crossed the limit. I accused him doing what he did not, put all the blame on him, raged his peace with my anger. I can’t and won’t blame him for the hard situation we are in now. I started it and drove it worse. No one on earth, hell, or heaven should get the blame but me. And I just truly wished there’s an undo button.

Can someone find me the undo button?

A Perfect Last Day of Classes

It's another Friday. But it is not quite as typical as the previous hectic Fridays I have had this semester. I had classes from 9am to 4pm with only lunch break on Friday this semester. Often, I would have an English paper due by midnight. But today is not the same exhausting Friday as usual. It's more exhausting, for sure. Since I had to wake up at 5am just to figure out that my lovely laptop did not save the essay I was working on the whole day yesterday. And that essay is due today by midnight. Great, right? I was so sad I couldn't even cry. It felt surreal, indeed. But, again, this is not a regular Friday with all the nerve wracking assignments or the tornado siren that goes off in the middle of my so-much-needed 30 mins power nap. Nope. Today is my last Friday as a Kenyon student. Today is the last day of classes, the last day I had to sit down for a lecture/ lab/ seminar at Kenyon Academia. That was probably why I felt so surrreal this morning. On my last day as a Kenyonite, this lovely school just threw me anything possible to give me a remarkable and unforgetable memory of last day of classes. But nothing will bring me down. Neither the lack of sleep, the slamming doors of my not so toughtful neighbors, nor the wickedness of my laptop for ditching my final paper just at the right time. I want to enjoy this moment, all this stresses as a student. Proud of being a student of, they call it, Harvard/ Princeton of the Midwest, I am! Kenyon had served me well, hopefully vice versa. A balanced ups and downs really taught me a lot and shaped me growing up to be I am as what I am now.

I am in my, not surprisingly, messy dorm. Leonard 316. I think I'll miss it. Before I go on and on, I probably should get my essay going, for I do not have much time. And I have Microbiology assignment due by midnight too. So ya, I'll be back! =)

That's all I will remember

you, whose name remains a mystery
have been with me on this hill for four years
the first time I saw you, we were naive
in countless dreams we believe

I have a lover and so do you
yet this special connection I cannot ignore
you found this weird? I do so too
But dont you feel you just want to know a little more?

Have I known you not
a single word we never exchanged
But I wonder how I got this special knot
you are so familiar, and it hasn't changed

Romance is not the word
for we belong to completely different world
though I know when you look at me
you are just as confused as I am puzzled. I see

your name is all I want to know
before I forget what it is like to walk in the snow
time flies and I will depart
this de ja vu, maybe should just remains as art

I adore you not, love you not
But a word with you would mean a lot
for I need to know how you feel
about a girl whose name remains a mystery

feels like I have known you forever
and your unknown name, that's all I will remember

A Prayer

Lord, may Your will be revealed and done in me. I want my live to be well lived, well lived in You. My humanness is so limited, that I cannot comperhend. Your way is beyond my way, God. Please show me the way, let my heart be sensitive and obidient to your voice and calling. I believe in your wonderous ways. While I am waiting, give me passion and persistance. I was created and live for You and Your glory. And I want to continue my journey according to Your plan. I am sorry Lord, it has taken me this long to ask "what You want me to do with my life, for You?" I am Your servant, Lord Jesus. Guide me and give me strength so I can carry Your cross in my life. Amen.

Back off!

I feel horrible today. Right now. Just had some arguments with people who matter the most in my life. One of them is my boy. We have been constantly having arguments about this and that. Gees, can we just have a break from irritating each other just until I am done with my school hassles? He can be so insensitive, which irritates me. And I can be so stubborn and say mean stuff when I am stressed out.

My button's been pushed too many times in a short span of time I guess.

Just back off! I might explode!

Gloomy Easter

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!

He's not there, for He has risen! :) Thank you dear Lord for saving me, for Your love, Your cross. So disappointed I cannot make it to church today, on Easter, due to school work load. I could have gone to church if only I was productive yesterday. Shouldn't have underestimated my 3000 words project, really. But I just couldn't help myself. Yesterday was just not my day. Feeling down and gloomy the whole day, feeling so alienated, so alone. I think I am ready to move on. Move on to a life where I will be near those whom my heart belongs to. I miss mom, dad, koko, gebot, billy, and petit ami ray. Vous me manquez, tres tres mal =(

Maaf =(

Not so long ago I thought of this old saying (which I can't recall where I picked that from), those whom I love the most are the ones who hurt me the most

Then I realized that what's true is really.. those who I love the most are the ones who I hurt the most

and that just broke my heart into pieces.

I am sorry dad.. I am sorry Ray..

R, OH

some people were just simply born to be mean and sarcastic.. and they exist as stepping stones for others in becomeing a more patient of a person.

I hope God grants me serenity to learn the lessons.

Misundertstood

I think I am. It's sad though. Because we are just about to start a nice friendship. I can see it could be a nice, supportive, and heart warming one. But why I am always the one who is misunderstood by people? =(

JL

T_T

it's almost 2.30am and I still cannot fall asleep.. =(

I am so terribly sleepy that I have a terrible headache right now. But I cannot sleep because my heart is pounding. Pounding very hard and fast as if it is being chased by a dog, or a ghost, or an Organic Chem exam.

I have nothing due tomorrow. I am not worrying about anything specifically. I do not know what's wrong with me. R said probably I should drink some water, I did. It did not work so I thought I would just sit in the toilet, in case if I probably need to do some bowel movements. It did not help. I played Texas Hold 'Em in my bb, I got dizzy. But can't fall asleep. What's wrong with my heart?

Ghost

Depression. It's not the word I would think of regularly or spontaneously. It's obviously not a term people want to define themselves as. But sometimes you are given no choice. I was given no choice.

It's been almost a month or so. I struggle with this feelings of incompetency and self-worthlessness, not to metnion self-esteem deprived. My head is like a ballon, filled with water, and is still being filled with water, though it cannot contain anymore. It's swollen. But it has not burst yet. It is about to burst. In fact, it just wants to burst and end the pain. But the water is going on and off-- driving the poor balloon crazy.

My head hurts, just as much as my heart does. I cannot even be in close contact to my loved ones. Otherwise I'd just hurt them. I'd find the way to irritate or make them gloomy. And I'd feel even more depressed by doing so.

I do not hate anyone. I just hate the position I am in right now. I cannot see the purpose of all these emotional, psychological, and mental tortures that I am entitled of. I need no encouragement from anyone, including you. I need no advice. And I write to relsease the kinks in my head, not to be judged by anyone, including you. So, I would really appreciate if you do not leave any "there's a light at the end of tunnel" comments. Or just dont leave a comment at all.


Give me some space

A. nervosa

there is a small voice
it comes from a small corner of my heart
it whispers and makes a noise
just take it, life is hard

it says that I have no control over anything
yet I can decide to have one
when everything is trembling
I still have a power over my body, to be as what I want

I try to grab, but my fingers crimps
I kneel to pray, but God says "I cannot be reached"
when confidence, motivation, and courage have become just dreams
I guess I just need to vomit, and forget the word "eat"

Can't even cry

the first time EVER in my life to FAIL an exam T_T

I was SHOCK (not to mention how sad I was and still am..)


My first Biochemistry exam turned out to be my first F. Gosh, I feel like I am such an incompetent scientist. Maybe I am.. ='(

Only One

the one that I love
might not send flowers on valnetine's day
yet he always makes sure that I have enough
love and trust, so what else can I say?

the one that I care
sometimes takes forever to reply my text
but he'll never let anyone to even dare
to mess around with me or to ever vex

the one that I adore
often can be so forgetful
still I want him more and more
I am so in love and, ah, don't mind being a fool!

the one that I wanna give houndred hugs
has shared so many happiness and tears with me
and the answer will be "just because"
if you ask me "why it is him that my heart sees?"

the one that owns my heart
standing there, thousand miles apart
but his smile makes me at home
and his heart is totaly my own

the one that's you
I love you, and will always do!

<3

2 random thoughts

1. my musical soul is in LOVE with Gamaliel's.. ahhhhhh.. his voice is so sexy and his fingers are just great on that curvy accoustic guitar.. goshhhh >.<

2. one (female) doesn't need to be sexually attractive to be confident. For one needs not to please anyone, in order to be confident. Be confident and simply do it for yourself! =) **for those whom I truly fond of**

have a blessed Feb peeps!

Misunderstanding.

No one likes to be misunderstood, I bet. But sometimes, or often, misunderstanding is just unavoidable. Out of nowhere, I recalled this not-so-heartwarming event that happened between me and R. We fought, verbally, of course, and it was one of our worst fights we have ever had.

Whenever I am having my monthly tsunami attacking me, it's like a "Beware of Dog! KEEP OUT!" sign, seriously. I can be so emotionally engaged in EVERYTHING. I feel sad and not in mood. I can potentially feel down and/ or hopeless for no reason. Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me (weird eh? If you are a boy, just accept this as a fact and do not question it! lol). Often I would cry out of something that lightly annoys me and it could be whatever: from bad weather, inappropriate jokes, late appointment, schoolwork, homesick, to R's tardiness in responding my text, etc etc. Another fact about me during my monthly gift is that the closer I am to a person, the more easily that person can offend me (this is just PLAIN WEIRD! I do not even know how to explain this!). So yea, it was during one of those days. It was on the 2nd day (girls know what I'm talking about. If you are a boy, consult the nearest girl). And R was aware of the fact that, with the cram that I was struggling with, I could explode ANYTIME! The sun was up and smiling warmly to us. We, with couple other friends, were on the way to Purdue for a Permias yearly thing. I was all excited despite of my not-so-fit physical and emotional conditions. Things were going good. Until I read one of those messages, sent by one of his friends, in his cell.


WRITER DISCLAIMER: Unlike many other couples, R and I do not mind about reading each other's texts, emails, etc etc. In fact, we even share our passwords of many things. So, the fact that I was reading his message, was completely under his knowledge and permission.

continue..

So ya, the message from that little imp was not impressive at any level. I was not pleased at all with his half-joking but rather impolite comment. Perhaps I was under my estrogen control. But what I remember was that I was outraged. I hated him (at that time)! I dislike him for being disrespectful to someone whom I love so much, R. I felt disrespected too! It was in a group conversation, and that made it even worse! Though R did not take it seriously, I took it SERIOUSLY. R is a very laid back person. I am the complete opposite of him. And for me, whoever nags him, nags me as well! So I told R how uneasy his friend made me and R understood. Though the only word(s) he kept on saying was "Iya.. Iya.. Udah".

Many days had passed. I should not have held any grudge toward that imp (I do not want to mention a name or initial here). In fact, I do not hate him. We just probably won't ever be best friend. Fair enough rite? And I made a clear statement to R that he should never expect me to become a close friend of that particular friend of him. I do not have any hatred towards that imp anymore, don't get me wrong! I just don't think his personality and the way he communicates match mine. I told R, I can respect that imp as a favor and a form of my love toward R. So ya, as you could guess, I was not settled yet. Even after couple days of the incident, it still tickled my heart sometimes. That imp's words, not so much. R's words, VERY MUCH!

So yea, to make the long story short, I'll just go to the point. Well, I also do not have any intention to share too-personal moments of mine in so much detail here-- where everyone who has internet access can read it! We ended up with a big argument, with me crying (of course). He got me wrong. COMPLETELY wrong. He thought this and that and this and that. And I told him WHY I was holding back about that thing! It was not really about what his friend had said. What that imp had said really is the starter of our arguments. But what annoyed me and turned me into an annoying girl were his RESPONSES, my loved one's CARELESS responses! Screw that imp! I won't spend so much energy dwelling on his silly words. For goodness sake, it's not worth it! So I explained to R that I was so very uneasy all this time because HE DID NOT COMMENT AT ALL ABOUT IT. That the way he say "Iya..iya.. udah..", to me it means "Okay Angel, I got it. But I don't think my friend was wrong. You are just being too sensitive". That was what made me ANGRY!! I did not even know that R ended up talking to his friend about it. How would you suppose me to know that you understand my feelings and stand for me if you never said anything about it, TO ME? I figured out that he told his friend that he did not find his action pleasing at all. He stood for me. Unfortunately I had to figure it out while we were fighting =(

It had been a while since that incident and we never talked about it anymore. I never expected him to talk to his friend, I swear to God! I just wanted to hear what he thinks about it. I just wanted to hear him telling me that he understands how I feel, that he thinks what his friend has done was not right. THAT'S IT! Saying "Iya iya.. Udah" can be very misleading, can't it? I want to feel like he is someone who will protect me from whoever who hurts me, not the other way around. Before the fight, I really thought he was defending his friend and that thought irritated me. I also thought he just simply don;t care about my feelings and that hurt me A LOT! I did apologize to him though, for unconsciously putting him in a hard position and for being so angry at him that time. He also apologized me for not being open. We both realized that it takes TIME to understand our partner's personalities. Though it was not a pleasant memory, we both took lessons from it and we just simply knew each other better :)

The take home messages from this incident:
1. It takes time to understand a person in a very personal level
2. communication is a two-way street.
3. Understanding is the key to a healthy relationship
4. NEVER fight in front of others, even if they are your very close friends.
5. if someone does not love you in the way you want him/ her to, it does not mean he/she does not love you with all his heart.

I love you, Ray! =)

my complicated brain

Just had a really really weird nightmare earlier today when I was taking my nap -_-"

So, I started with unsettled heart, which might have been the reason why I ended up hacing such strange dream. I was feeling so down, for some not so obvious reasons. I wanted to talk to R but he was already alseep. So I just cried with my pillow on top of my face. I wonder what was wrong with me. Maybe it is just one the symptoms a graduate-to-be often has. It could be me just having some hormone fluctuation, due to my mothly cycle, that causes emotional inconsistency and sesitivity. Only God knows!

Anyhow, the dream was strange and what makes it even more strange is that I still remember it. Clearly. In details. Which I usually don't.

So, I was in my sister's room, in our house in Surabaya. For some reasons I was alone and the atmosphere in her house was so sketchy. I was trying to sleep when this door was opened by itself (this door does not exists in the real room). It looks like s storage room connected to my sister's bedroom. So I went to close it. But before I did so, I saw a brown mouse, turtle, black parrot (I know! Black parrot! I haven't seen a real one. But I google it and it appears that black parrot does exist!), a multi colour parkeet, and a spirit of whatever it is. I was so scared but I managed to close the door. The door, though, has a big hole and my sister apparently put some boxes to block it. The animals tried to escape through another hole of that door, a smaller hole. They got scared everytime I stared at them, as if they could read my mind. I was so disturbed I decided to take a warm bath. I can't recall exactly what happened in the bathroom. I just remember it was real creepy too. Then I woke up.

I wonder if my dream has meanings. I am a dreamer. And I hardly pass a sleep (night or nap) without having a dream. In fact, I often had deja vu. I wonder what this one means. I hope it doesn't mean anything bad to me or my beloved ones. I'll just take it as the side effect of my emotional explosion. I am so hungry, ah.. Still have an hour and a half till dinner. I should just read my English reading while working, try not to think too much about the dream or concentrate on my hungry tummy. Hmmm, I miss home.

Singing:
"Ooo home.. let me go home.. home is wherever I'm with you.."

manquer

Aku kangen my mommy cerewet, daddy tukang pijet, koko memble, gebot pendek, and billy narsis!!!!! Aku juga kangen R and J!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3