As a woman, I kind of had the
feeling. Woman knows when their body starts to change. It is hard to explain
but we know. My stomach was bloated, I was feeling tired all the time
especially during the day and easily irritated. Plus, I was late for my period
for a little over a week. What else could that be? Then I decided to do a
little peek with a test pack. Two lines. One was not as strong as the other but
it was a confirmation, a happy one. I was overjoyed as well as terrified at the
same time. All the “what ifs” was bouncing in my head and my heart. Ray was not
much better than me in handling the news. Although I always knew he would be a
great dad to our kids. Finally, I am about to be a mom, I am having a baby. Jakarta,
18 July 2015, I figured out I have a potential human being inside me. And it is
one of the greatest feelings ever.
Every time I get the chance, I
would gently rub my belly and tell my baby to be a good baby, be strong, stay
healthy. I have some extra pimples that come to pay me sudden visit. But I do
not mind, I don’t even touch my acne medication for a fear that it might not be
good for my baby. The second week of my (so called) pregnancy, I got nausea
easily. Noon would be the hardest battle for me to stay awake for my eyes just
want to shut no matter what. I was putting some extra pounds on my scale. I do
not mind, as long as my baby gets the nutrition she/he needs. The hardest part
is to give up on coffee. Ah, the smell of freshly brewed coffee is the hardest
seduction. Giving up on raw vegetables is hard too, although not as hard as
avoiding those arabica and robusta beans. Baby
stay strong okay, mommy loves you..
My early pregnancy was easy and
smooth. No vomiting, no food craving. My mom said it is not yet the time for
food craving. Later in my pregnancy I most likely will. I start imagining all
the Manadonese foods I will probably drool for and mom or dad will rush to
Bandung to bring me those. I know just how excited they are when it comes to grandchildren.
And of course how they love us, their kids, so much. No matter how old I get,
my mom and my dad still treat me like their little princes. Which I kind of
love but often I don’t show them hehe..
Today, July 24th
2015, I was ready to go to Dusun Bambu with my mother in law and little bro
Billy. Yes, Billy has been in town for almost two weeks and we have been taking
him around. But then my stomach wasn’t feeling right. It felt so tense with a
tweaking pain that goes on and off. Plus I have some spotting on my undies, not
much though. Ray’s mom told me to rest instead. So we called off the trip,
worrying that I might be too tired and my pregnancy needs extra rest. I stayed
at home the whole day and took most of the time sleeping. Nothing went wrong,
no severe pain, no intense bleeding. Just some light spotting, brown spotting.
Before going to bed at night I decided to change my undies and realize there
was red blood, just a little. I was a little nervous but I thought I should be
thinking positively and not to worry too much. And the abdominal pain has gone
anyway. So I might just go to bed. Baby
stay strong and healthy okay, mommy loves you.. God please protect my baby..
July 25th. I wasn’t
planning to see the doctor yet. But the spotting has become worse and turned to
bleeding. Not so much blood, and the lower abdominal pain was not too
bothersome. But everyone knows bleeding during pregnancy is not a good signal.
So instead of going out, we decided to visit one of the supposed-to-be very
experienced OBGYNs in town. Call him dr. W. I was so nervous, I kept a prayer
in my heart. I got on the last of the queue, but because my case is an
emergency one, the nurse let me see the doctor first. Dr. W did an abdominal
usg but could not see things clearly. Supposedly because I am in such an early
stage of pregnancy. Then he did the transvaginal usg, which was not a pleasant
experience at all! My private part was penetrated with something other than my
husband’s weenie, for the first time in my life. So it was quite shocking rather
than painful. But the result was even more painful; the doctor could not detect
my baby. Although, dr. W said that my uterus has thickened to the level that is
a sign of early pregnancy. Additionally, the test pack showed positive result,
and the signs in my body-change also are due to pregnancy. I was nervous, Yet I
just want to hope for the best. Dr. W gave me some vitamins to make my uterus
stronger to carry the embryo. So we were heading home, I am going to rest the
whole day for my baby’s well being. But just when Billy was getting the car
from the parking lot, suddenly I see Ray’s face became so bright as if there
was a flashlight behind him, flashing directly to my eyes. My ears popped. My
head was spinning and I wanted to vomit so badly. Ray said I was so pale. I
could not feel the pain yet but I knew something really bad was coming. Oh God please protect my baby..
I was in so much pain on our way
home. Never in my life felt such abdominal pain as painful as this one. I was
cold-sweating, I curled on my seat. The pain was so overwhelming that I could
not sit straight. By the time we reached home the pain was fading, so I decided
to take the medications and sleep. Couple hours sleeping, with Ray waiting
patiently next to me while playing his Football Manager. Suddenly, I woke up at
5ish in the afternoon with even greater cramp!! It was so painful I wanted to
vomit. I went to the bathroom to pee, lots of blood. In so much pain I was I
couldn’t help it but crying. I was down on the floor, couldn’t even stand. My
hands were numb and my feet were so weak to walk to my bed. I was having a
heavy cramp with the feeling like I want to do a bowel movement. My mother in
law says that is exactly the feeling when a pregnant mom is about to deliver a
baby. My heart skips a beat. Now, it is not only my stomach that is in
unbearable pain, but my heart just broke into pieces. We rushed to the doctor.
I am hopeless.
To keep the story short, I was
given painkiller and had to have bed rest for couple days. I was bleeding
pretty heavily. Too heavy for a pregnant mom I guess. There was even a big lump
came out of me, which most likely be the embryo. I could feel my body change.
Deep down in my heart I kind of knew my baby isn’t there anymore, but I keep denying
it. Hoping that some kind of miracle will happen and the baby still stick
somewhere in my uterus. But last night, May 28th, we went back to
dr. W. And no more baby. Even my uterus has cleaned up and is back to almost
normal size. The test pack gave me the answer I hate to know, negative.
Heartbroken I am. But I still
thank God for his protection, for giving me the best, most loving husband in the world. Ray
was always beside me, taking care of me very patiently, hug me tightly when I
tremble and cry. He was very handy in getting me what I needed; my clothes, my
towel, toiletries, undies, etc. He even feed me so that I do not have to be off
bed to eat my meals. I learnt that all boys will eventually grow up to be men
but only few become gentlemen. Being gentleman is a way of life that only boys
with bigger hearts will choose. Marrying Ray is one of my greatest blessings
indeed. I am forever thankful for my husband, my best friend.
So, while I am waiting for
Candice and Elroy to come into my life, I will learn to be more grateful for my
daily blessings. I want to learn to be more appreciative and to show those whom
I love, just how much I am thankful for them. And I believe that God’s timing is
always the best. In their
hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes
their steps (Proverbs 16:9).
