Undo Button

Aren’t I, me?

I feel semi-conscious these days. I do what my heart doesn’t want to, I do not do what I am supposed to. Never occurred in my mind that, the more I love the person, the more I’d hurt her/ him— yet, I did just exactly that. I have become a new me, a worse version of my being. Easily irritated that’s me. Too sensitive and get angry almost to everything, that’s me too. I am possessed, aren’t I? Possessed by my alter-ego. I feel lost and trapped. Yet not knowing what direction I was looking for or what kind of trap has gotten my feet. I have been dragging myself far away from God, that’s what I knew for sure. The most crucial thing I shouldn’t have done, ever.
I hurt those whom I love the most.. those whose lives, to me, are more precious than mine. I hurt my little brother by my emotional explosion which resulted in upsetting words. I did not intend to scream those disgraceful words, I swear to God! But I just couldn’t control it. Then I regret it and let my nights be haunted by guilty feelings. I wished I had an undo button.

I’ve also been very impatient with my Mom and Dad, the two most important persons in my life. Nothing has changed, in terms of my love and respect to them. It is me that has changed. Nonetheless, I have no clue what or in what way I have been transformed to. All those not so polite words, I wished I had an undo button.
My sister got some sparks of my anger, of course. I found myself hard to accept suggestion and, not to mention, to argue. I had become a selfish person, almost arrogant. Aren’t I supposed to love my family and friends and even foreign people? The more I try to reason, the more I got lost in this self-uncertainty. I just wished I had an undo button.

I hate to mention this, but Ray probably has experienced the worse of my evilness. Why him? I don’t know. Maybe because he’s the one whom I love much, and that I communicate with him so often. Within less than a month, I had challenged his love, patience, and understanding. I pushed him against a wall and finally crossed the limit. I accused him doing what he did not, put all the blame on him, raged his peace with my anger. I can’t and won’t blame him for the hard situation we are in now. I started it and drove it worse. No one on earth, hell, or heaven should get the blame but me. And I just truly wished there’s an undo button.

Can someone find me the undo button?

Back off!

I feel horrible today. Right now. Just had some arguments with people who matter the most in my life. One of them is my boy. We have been constantly having arguments about this and that. Gees, can we just have a break from irritating each other just until I am done with my school hassles? He can be so insensitive, which irritates me. And I can be so stubborn and say mean stuff when I am stressed out.

My button's been pushed too many times in a short span of time I guess.

Just back off! I might explode!

Gloomy Easter

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!

He's not there, for He has risen! :) Thank you dear Lord for saving me, for Your love, Your cross. So disappointed I cannot make it to church today, on Easter, due to school work load. I could have gone to church if only I was productive yesterday. Shouldn't have underestimated my 3000 words project, really. But I just couldn't help myself. Yesterday was just not my day. Feeling down and gloomy the whole day, feeling so alienated, so alone. I think I am ready to move on. Move on to a life where I will be near those whom my heart belongs to. I miss mom, dad, koko, gebot, billy, and petit ami ray. Vous me manquez, tres tres mal =(

Maaf =(

Not so long ago I thought of this old saying (which I can't recall where I picked that from), those whom I love the most are the ones who hurt me the most

Then I realized that what's true is really.. those who I love the most are the ones who I hurt the most

and that just broke my heart into pieces.

I am sorry dad.. I am sorry Ray..

*snob*

We had an argument yesterday. It hurt quite so much. And the worse part of it, we had the argument at someone's house. Not that we yelled at each other in front of other people though. But, I am pretty sure our angry voices were loud enough to be heared by those peeps in the common room playing Street Fighters. Luckily, there weren't that many people and those pals of ours were not the "bibir ember" or "kepo" ones.

Both of us were upset. I never heared him that angry. Well, probably I had, once. But it's been a while ago. Yet he hardly ever raised his voice like that when we argued, at least never in front of me. Most of our "bad" arguments happened through phone. And we've usually calmed down when we met each other. But last night was just, ugh.. I am still iritated, I cannot lie. I know I am not supposed to, but I am still holding grudge towards "si dekil", the ultimate source and cause of our dispute.

I am leading the praise and worship at church this coming Sunday. Having to be so angry like this, make me feel terrible and guilty. I am not supposed to serve the Lord in such condition. I beg for your forgiveness, Lord Jesus :'(