an unsolved business

and I accidentally found that picture..
I looked at that picture for a while. There's a ting. It bugged my heart.
Being conscious and sober to the most of my being, I knew it was not him.
But somehow it gave me these uncomfortable feelings. Feelings that I couldn't even explain to myself what they were. It happened simply because they look so similar to each other. Ah, so silly!

I knew it was not that kinda feeling of not-letting-go. It was not indeed. I have moved on. I know, feel, realize, and believe that I did move on. I think I am just being possessive towards all the moments and good times we've had. Not being sincere, if not selfish, to let our memory fades. Although it is going to fade or has been fading anyway. I am thankful to God that I once wholeheartedly loved him. That I learned so many valuable things by having him writing some mini chapters on my book. Moreover, I am thankful that God has allowed me to move on to the next chapter with a grateful heart :)

My heart reminds me of this comfortable yet complicated thing I am facing now. Reminds me that I can embrace my past but cannot live in it. For me, it's always either all or none. Never in between. I do not like gray area. And I know this heart ain't branched and I am pouring it all in. Yet I am still praying for it. And my prayer is not any different from it is of my previous story- "Let Your will be done, my Lord. If this is your will, show me Your way. If it is not, take it away from me. Either way, I put my heart in your hand.. for I know You, and only You, will take a perfect care of it and give me strength through anything. Amen"

For you that I care so much. It is not that I doubt my heart or yours. It's just that, if I am to write those chapters (by the will of The Creator), I do not want to be 99.99% into it. It got to be 100%- no compromise. So, give me space and time to clean my desk.. then I'll surely write valuable stories and poems. Not on my book, but ours.

love,
njl

bud eMan

http://petebakar.blogspot.com/2009/05/ku-susuri-lembah-nurani-namun-tak.html

the three that I like:
1. '..occasionally strange'
2. psycho
3. the pic- it gives breath to my words! :)