I eat a lot when Im in this funny-but-somehow-odd-yet-interestingly-disgusting-that-keeps-me-from-the-real-me-or-is-it-actually-the-real-me-? feeling!

Aduh.. kenapa nih dari kemaren kok bawaannya emoooo mulu! Somehow sebel juga nih. But well, dat's the art of life, I guess. Oh well, it better be!

Recently, I just had an interesting conversation with someone. Awalnya dia bilang, "Jay, kenapa yah, aku lagi merasa pengen punya pacar?". Then I simply answered, "That's okay. It's normal, lah. Namanya juga anak muda."



Then, I wondered..

Why I hardly feel that way? Bukannya aku kecewa or gimana dengan me being that way. Im just curious about that side of my being. I hardly feel like 'I need a boyfriend', or 'I want a boy who cares about me'. Or, versi extremnya, 'I am tired of being a jomblo abadi' lol. I just wonder why I rarely feel those stuff that 'normal girls' usually feel.. Am I too cold? I dont think so.. Am I too picky? I dont think so either.. Or maybe krn aku ini kelewatan jayus ye?! haha.. whateva..

Anyway, aku mengucap syukur dengan DNA "nggak-pernah-desperate-pengen-punya-pacar" yang diberikan Tuhan dalam cel-celku. Krn aku tahu, sulit loh ngontrol perasaan yg satu ini. N no one ever choose to be so. I have heard many stories yg membuat kau mengucap syukur ma Tuhan. Although, aku juga ngalamin, just like the others, yang namanya suka ma lawan jenis, getting in a crush yg bisa bikin aku senyam nyum sendiri, daydreaming about sumone, and other flowery stuff. Yang membuatku mearasa lucky banget, Tuhan selalu ada di balik kemudi hatiku. Hopefully my special DNA will keep on trascribing and translating in my cell forever and never get mutated ;D.
Well, I understand if, to some people, this sounds awkward or sounds like angel-wanna-look-like-a-strong-girl, coz I myself is still kinda confused too.lol. Hey hey, but, wait.. Jangan dikira aku ini lesbian ye! Nggak lah.. Gini2 pernah punya pacar. Hehehe.. A manis-asem-asin-almost-three-year-togetherness. That nearly 1095 days of comitted more-than-just-freinds friendship was rockly sweet, wasnt it, Ren? Of course I do enjoy being close to some male friends. Temen cowok, to me, sometimes bisa lebih mengerti aspek2 emosional yang temen cewek rada susah ngerti. Maybe karna sama2 cewe, we are looking from the same angle (with the same hormone). But boys, not all boys though, see it from a different angle (with different hormone. this really matters though..i think..).



Then, tiba2 temenku nanya lagi.. Pertanyaannya yang berikut membuat aku nggak bisa berlama2 memikirkan tentang pertanyaan sebelumya.. "Jay, alasan lo pengen punya pacar, apa sih?!"

I thinked for some seconds, then I said, "Kalo aku, krn aku pengen punya someone I can count on, someone I can trust. Juga, krn aku tipe org yg seneng do little surprises to those I love..".

Then she told me her answer of her own question.. It was different from mine (I wont mention it here cuz I dont think I am supposed to). And I love the way how people are so unique. This's what, I believe, gives colour to mother earth!

Her question reminded me of my ex-bf, again. Not that I still have those funny feeling to him. Weleh, kisah lama ya kisah lama..hehe. Just reminded me bahwa jatuh cinta itu kayak makan cabe kebanyakan- pedeeeeeeeees banget sampe bikin kepala puyeng but ueeeenak!! :)
My answer reminded me to reflect again what was the main line and the "klimaks cerita" of my sotry with the only bf I have ever had. More importantly, the lesson I took from our relationship. I believe, to be involved in such emotionaly attached relationship, one can actually help oneself to gain a better undersatanding of who one really is.. I tried to recall all those memories- why I decided to be his gf, why we broke up at the 1st time, and why we ended up our epic story and how could we did it in such a sweet, peaceful way. He might not be the best looking one, but he's indeed one of the, very few indeed, most sincere and faithful boys I have ever been very close to.

Many I learnt. I thank him for that, for bringing some puzzle pieces into my big puzzle frame. I thank HIM for opening my heart and let him in- coz I used to dislike him so much before I felt in love with him. I am glad that HE is taking care of my heart. It's a tough job loh, ngontrol perasaan kita, iya kan?! You can neither tell nor control when, where and with who you'll be in love. Kalo jatuh cintanya ma org yg salah, bisa berabe kan?! Let Jesus be my only mak comblang forever!!!