Passion or ambition?

When I was younger I always said (or convinced my self and, possibly, others) that "I will get whatever I want if I fight for it!"

Things were more predictable when you are less aged, I indeed second this motion! Goals were easier to achieve as long as one dares to put as much effort as possible, even better if supported with perfectionism. That's what I used to be and to think, I'd say. But that's not quite true though. Sometimes, some failures are just unavoidable regradless the amount of sacrifice one put. And the lessons from those failure aren't always crystal clear. In fact, most of them are just naturally long-term lessons that come with pains. It's neither the easiness of goals nor the works I put that makes things seem to be more under control in the past and not so much now. The older you are, the more knowledge you gain (any type of knowledge!). Suprisingly yet ironically, the more knowledge I gain leads me to the realization on how less knowledgeable I am!

As one's age increases, one's thoughts expand. The more people I meet, broader activities I am engaged in, increased tasks yet less resting time, more complex conversations, greater freedom and responsibilities. All those aspects I am dealing now, that I did not face when I was younger, teach me that "necessary" is not quite the same as "sufficient". Age will lead people to see their goals as a big puzzle frame, instead of stressing so much on each puzzle piece. To start seeing success as a life journey and not a final destination is like a watershed moment from leaving the "naive perfectionist" and becoming a "realistic high-aimer". I guess, in my early 20s, I am still far away from being a mature, wise and emotionally stable woman. As my age progresses, I am hoping that, from the school of life, I will be able to learn to distingusih which of my needs/ interests are necessary and which are sufficient.

Let's put those thoughts aside and talk about the main thing I actually wanted to talk about in this post (as always, it takes at least one paragaph to be straight forwardly writting about the main messages). These nine research papers I am reading now- they take forever! I need to deal with them in order to come up with a good research proposal and thus get the summer science research I have been wanting for! While reading, I was wondering- do I really want to do this?. I try to connect this one educational goal of mine to my thought about the "necessary and sufficinet" issue, and , as a result, this bothering thought came to my mind: Am I doing this for the sake of passion or for the goodness of passion's half-sister aka ambition?. If it's passion that foregrounds my goal, how big is it? Is it big enoguh that, if I get the summer scinece, it will bring as much enjoyment as knowledge to me? What about if it is actually ambition, purely ambition? People often say that ambition usually prevents someone from knowing her/ his true passion of life. Is that bad then? My summer project might suck then, right?! Or, say it is a combination of both passion and ambition.. Do I have each of them equally? If I have more of ambition than passion or vice versa, what are the pros and cons?

*does it mean: the older you are, the more paranoid you become?