While I am waiting for Candice and Elroy

As a woman, I kind of had the feeling. Woman knows when their body starts to change. It is hard to explain but we know. My stomach was bloated, I was feeling tired all the time especially during the day and easily irritated. Plus, I was late for my period for a little over a week. What else could that be? Then I decided to do a little peek with a test pack. Two lines. One was not as strong as the other but it was a confirmation, a happy one. I was overjoyed as well as terrified at the same time. All the “what ifs” was bouncing in my head and my heart. Ray was not much better than me in handling the news. Although I always knew he would be a great dad to our kids. Finally, I am about to be a mom, I am having a baby. Jakarta, 18 July 2015, I figured out I have a potential human being inside me. And it is one of the greatest feelings ever.

Every time I get the chance, I would gently rub my belly and tell my baby to be a good baby, be strong, stay healthy. I have some extra pimples that come to pay me sudden visit. But I do not mind, I don’t even touch my acne medication for a fear that it might not be good for my baby. The second week of my (so called) pregnancy, I got nausea easily. Noon would be the hardest battle for me to stay awake for my eyes just want to shut no matter what. I was putting some extra pounds on my scale. I do not mind, as long as my baby gets the nutrition she/he needs. The hardest part is to give up on coffee. Ah, the smell of freshly brewed coffee is the hardest seduction. Giving up on raw vegetables is hard too, although not as hard as avoiding those arabica and robusta beans. Baby stay strong okay, mommy loves you..

My early pregnancy was easy and smooth. No vomiting, no food craving. My mom said it is not yet the time for food craving. Later in my pregnancy I most likely will. I start imagining all the Manadonese foods I will probably drool for and mom or dad will rush to Bandung to bring me those. I know just how excited they are when it comes to grandchildren. And of course how they love us, their kids, so much. No matter how old I get, my mom and my dad still treat me like their little princes. Which I kind of love but often I don’t show them hehe..

Today, July 24^th 2015, I was ready to go to Dusun Bambu with my mother in law and little bro Billy. Yes, Billy has been in town for almost two weeks and we have been taking him around. But then my stomach wasn’t feeling right. It felt so tense with a tweaking pain that goes on and off. Plus I have some spotting on my undies, not much though. Ray’s mom told me to rest instead. So we called off the trip, worrying that I might be too tired and my pregnancy needs extra rest. I stayed at home the whole day and took most of the time sleeping. Nothing went wrong, no severe pain, no intense bleeding. Just some light spotting, brown spotting. Before going to bed at night I decided to change my undies and realize there was red blood, just a little. I was a little nervous but I thought I should be thinking positively and not to worry too much. And the abdominal pain has gone anyway. So I might just go to bed. Baby stay strong and healthy okay, mommy loves you.. God please protect my baby..

July 25^th. I wasn’t planning to see the doctor yet. But the spotting has become worse and turned to bleeding. Not so much blood, and the lower abdominal pain was not too bothersome. But everyone knows bleeding during pregnancy is not a good signal. So instead of going out, we decided to visit one of the supposed-to-be very experienced OBGYNs in town. Call him dr. W. I was so nervous, I kept a prayer in my heart. I got on the last of the queue, but because my case is an emergency one, the nurse let me see the doctor first. Dr. W did an abdominal usg but could not see things clearly. Supposedly because I am in such an early stage of pregnancy. Then he did the transvaginal usg, which was not a pleasant experience at all! My private part was penetrated with something other than my husband’s weenie, for the first time in my life. So it was quite shocking rather than painful. But the result was even more painful; the doctor could not detect my baby. Although, dr. W said that my uterus has thickened to the level that is a sign of early pregnancy. Additionally, the test pack showed positive result, and the signs in my body-change also are due to pregnancy. I was nervous, Yet I just want to hope for the best. Dr. W gave me some vitamins to make my uterus stronger to carry the embryo. So we were heading home, I am going to rest the whole day for my baby’s well being. But just when Billy was getting the car from the parking lot, suddenly I see Ray’s face became so bright as if there was a flashlight behind him, flashing directly to my eyes. My ears popped. My head was spinning and I wanted to vomit so badly. Ray said I was so pale. I could not feel the pain yet but I knew something really bad was coming. Oh God please protect my baby..

I was in so much pain on our way home. Never in my life felt such abdominal pain as painful as this one. I was cold-sweating, I curled on my seat. The pain was so overwhelming that I could not sit straight. By the time we reached home the pain was fading, so I decided to take the medications and sleep. Couple hours sleeping, with Ray waiting patiently next to me while playing his Football Manager. Suddenly, I woke up at 5ish in the afternoon with even greater cramp!! It was so painful I wanted to vomit. I went to the bathroom to pee, lots of blood. In so much pain I was I couldn’t help it but crying. I was down on the floor, couldn’t even stand. My hands were numb and my feet were so weak to walk to my bed. I was having a heavy cramp with the feeling like I want to do a bowel movement. My mother in law says that is exactly the feeling when a pregnant mom is about to deliver a baby. My heart skips a beat. Now, it is not only my stomach that is in unbearable pain, but my heart just broke into pieces. We rushed to the doctor. I am hopeless.

To keep the story short, I was given painkiller and had to have bed rest for couple days. I was bleeding pretty heavily. Too heavy for a pregnant mom I guess. There was even a big lump came out of me, which most likely be the embryo. I could feel my body change. Deep down in my heart I kind of knew my baby isn’t there anymore, but I keep denying it. Hoping that some kind of miracle will happen and the baby still stick somewhere in my uterus. But last night, May 28^th, we went back to dr. W. And no more baby. Even my uterus has cleaned up and is back to almost normal size. The test pack gave me the answer I hate to know, negative.

Heartbroken I am. But I still thank God for his protection, for giving me the best, most loving husband in the world. Ray was always beside me, taking care of me very patiently, hug me tightly when I tremble and cry. He was very handy in getting me what I needed; my clothes, my towel, toiletries, undies, etc. He even feed me so that I do not have to be off bed to eat my meals. I learnt that all boys will eventually grow up to be men but only few become gentlemen. Being gentleman is a way of life that only boys with bigger hearts will choose. Marrying Ray is one of my greatest blessings indeed. I am forever thankful for my husband, my best friend.

So, while I am waiting for Candice and Elroy to come into my life, I will learn to be more grateful for my daily blessings. I want to learn to be more appreciative and to show those whom I love, just how much I am thankful for them. And I believe that God’s timing is always the best. In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps (Proverbs 16:9).

  

Back off!

I feel horrible today. Right now. Just had some arguments with people who matter the most in my life. One of them is my boy. We have been constantly having arguments about this and that. Gees, can we just have a break from irritating each other just until I am done with my school hassles? He can be so insensitive, which irritates me. And I can be so stubborn and say mean stuff when I am stressed out.

My button's been pushed too many times in a short span of time I guess.

Just back off! I might explode!

Maaf =(

Not so long ago I thought of this old saying (which I can't recall where I picked that from), those whom I love the most are the ones who hurt me the most

Then I realized that what's true is really.. those who I love the most are the ones who I hurt the most

and that just broke my heart into pieces.

I am sorry dad.. I am sorry Ray..

Misunderstanding.

No one likes to be misunderstood, I bet. But sometimes, or often, misunderstanding is just unavoidable. Out of nowhere, I recalled this not-so-heartwarming event that happened between me and R. We fought, verbally, of course, and it was one of our worst fights we have ever had.

Whenever I am having my monthly tsunami attacking me, it's like a "Beware of Dog! KEEP OUT!" sign, seriously. I can be so emotionally engaged in EVERYTHING. I feel sad and not in mood. I can potentially feel down and/ or hopeless for no reason. Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me (weird eh? If you are a boy, just accept this as a fact and do not question it! lol). Often I would cry out of something that lightly annoys me and it could be whatever: from bad weather, inappropriate jokes, late appointment, schoolwork, homesick, to R's tardiness in responding my text, etc etc. Another fact about me during my monthly gift is that the closer I am to a person, the more easily that person can offend me (this is just PLAIN WEIRD! I do not even know how to explain this!). So yea, it was during one of those days. It was on the 2nd day (girls know what I'm talking about. If you are a boy, consult the nearest girl). And R was aware of the fact that, with the cram that I was struggling with, I could explode ANYTIME! The sun was up and smiling warmly to us. We, with couple other friends, were on the way to Purdue for a Permias yearly thing. I was all excited despite of my not-so-fit physical and emotional conditions. Things were going good. Until I read one of those messages, sent by one of his friends, in his cell.


WRITER DISCLAIMER: Unlike many other couples, R and I do not mind about reading each other's texts, emails, etc etc. In fact, we even share our passwords of many things. So, the fact that I was reading his message, was completely under his knowledge and permission.

continue..

So ya, the message from that little imp was not impressive at any level. I was not pleased at all with his half-joking but rather impolite comment. Perhaps I was under my estrogen control. But what I remember was that I was outraged. I hated him (at that time)! I dislike him for being disrespectful to someone whom I love so much, R. I felt disrespected too! It was in a group conversation, and that made it even worse! Though R did not take it seriously, I took it SERIOUSLY. R is a very laid back person. I am the complete opposite of him. And for me, whoever nags him, nags me as well! So I told R how uneasy his friend made me and R understood. Though the only word(s) he kept on saying was "Iya.. Iya.. Udah".

Many days had passed. I should not have held any grudge toward that imp (I do not want to mention a name or initial here). In fact, I do not hate him. We just probably won't ever be best friend. Fair enough rite? And I made a clear statement to R that he should never expect me to become a close friend of that particular friend of him. I do not have any hatred towards that imp anymore, don't get me wrong! I just don't think his personality and the way he communicates match mine. I told R, I can respect that imp as a favor and a form of my love toward R. So ya, as you could guess, I was not settled yet. Even after couple days of the incident, it still tickled my heart sometimes. That imp's words, not so much. R's words, VERY MUCH!

So yea, to make the long story short, I'll just go to the point. Well, I also do not have any intention to share too-personal moments of mine in so much detail here-- where everyone who has internet access can read it! We ended up with a big argument, with me crying (of course). He got me wrong. COMPLETELY wrong. He thought this and that and this and that. And I told him WHY I was holding back about that thing! It was not really about what his friend had said. What that imp had said really is the starter of our arguments. But what annoyed me and turned me into an annoying girl were his RESPONSES, my loved one's CARELESS responses! Screw that imp! I won't spend so much energy dwelling on his silly words. For goodness sake, it's not worth it! So I explained to R that I was so very uneasy all this time because HE DID NOT COMMENT AT ALL ABOUT IT. That the way he say "Iya..iya.. udah..", to me it means "Okay Angel, I got it. But I don't think my friend was wrong. You are just being too sensitive". That was what made me ANGRY!! I did not even know that R ended up talking to his friend about it. How would you suppose me to know that you understand my feelings and stand for me if you never said anything about it, TO ME? I figured out that he told his friend that he did not find his action pleasing at all. He stood for me. Unfortunately I had to figure it out while we were fighting =(

It had been a while since that incident and we never talked about it anymore. I never expected him to talk to his friend, I swear to God! I just wanted to hear what he thinks about it. I just wanted to hear him telling me that he understands how I feel, that he thinks what his friend has done was not right. THAT'S IT! Saying "Iya iya.. Udah" can be very misleading, can't it? I want to feel like he is someone who will protect me from whoever who hurts me, not the other way around. Before the fight, I really thought he was defending his friend and that thought irritated me. I also thought he just simply don;t care about my feelings and that hurt me A LOT! I did apologize to him though, for unconsciously putting him in a hard position and for being so angry at him that time. He also apologized me for not being open. We both realized that it takes TIME to understand our partner's personalities. Though it was not a pleasant memory, we both took lessons from it and we just simply knew each other better :)

The take home messages from this incident:
1. It takes time to understand a person in a very personal level
2. communication is a two-way street.
3. Understanding is the key to a healthy relationship
4. NEVER fight in front of others, even if they are your very close friends.
5. if someone does not love you in the way you want him/ her to, it does not mean he/she does not love you with all his heart.

I love you, Ray! =)

*I miss..

I am at Panera, Bethel, at the moment. Should have arrived here earlier but had to do an oil change before hand. I better get started doing my work. I have so much schoolwork to get done, mainly due to this terrible jetlag I am experiencing right now. But I cannot concentrate. Of course.. That's the reason why I am blogging instead of textbooking right now!

Faslube did the oil change pretty fast. I did some treatments to my care, change the oil, the wipers, the a, b, and c (don't remember what they're called. lol). After oil change, I met wih Om Leo in the parking lot of Sunrise to give him his oleh2 dari indo. Then I headed to Chipotle, Bethel to have my lunch. I passed Dierker Rd. My heart started to pund when I turned right. After making sure that no one is behind me, I slowed down my car. I took my time to look at my right side: Le Mans Apartments. There was where my love used to live, my very first destination everytime I made my long journey from Kenyon to Columbus every weekend, sometimes I cooked for him and his roommie, place where my buddies surprised me for my 22nd Birthday, where I share laughs and tears.. I cannot help myself but crying (Even now, while writing this blog, I am trying so hard to not shed some more tears). I cried. I miss him. I miss having him around during my stay in Columbus. I sopped at the traffic light and I saw Kroger: place where I first had a "memory" with him (kinda first met him there), where we went shopping late at night, we rented Red Box DVD and ended up not watching it (and even get late fees, duh!). My cheek felt even warmer, and wetter. I just wished he was next to me, making some funy faces, while holding my hand (yes, while I am driving!). I forced myself to quit from crying. I managed. Just before I reached Chipotle. Our favorite fast-food resto (or maybe, my fave). I got my all-time fave menu: burito bowl with extra rice, no beans, with pepper & onion, some steaks, salsa, medium, corns, NO avocado of course, and some lettuce. I picked a random seat. But I avoided that low seat in the corner. Our seats. I went to get some H2O, a fork, some napkins, and.. some lemons! I was about to cry again.. This time wasn't because of Ray. I miss that lady who eats chipotle with TONS of lemons. I miss her silly jokes, her laughs, our late night chats, our silliness, our friendship. Columbus is not the same without her. I miss J terribly (oh shoot I am crying again!!).

Too sad, I couldnt finish my bowl. Well, I'd just go to Panera, study. As usual, Panera is crowded. I was debating whether I wanted my "spot" or avoided it to prevent further tear explosion. Couple of old ladies made the decision for me-- they were sitting on those seats. So I went inside the meeting room and here I am typing. I miss R and J SO MUCH. Ahhhh, I dont think I can write any more without making my laptop wet. I just hope I can get whatever I need to get done today. God, have mercy on me!

..them*
angel

My Desember kelabu

Let it snow let it snow let me cry..

It's been a week, or maybe even more than a week.. I have been crying. Everyday. Not 24/7, but literally everyday. Once or twice, if not three times a day. My eyes do not look like human eyes anymore. They look rather like panda eyes, dark and puffy.

I HATE the feeling of losing. My heart just cannot handle such sorrow of losing three beloved people in less than a month. Janet and Ariel had moved on, taking bigger steps and opening new pages of their books of life. I skyped with Janet yesterday. She looked happy and relaxed, which she really deserved. I miss her.. Ariel has finally met her gf of 3 years. Having not to see each other since they started dating must been very tough. I am trully happy to see him so content being home. Meeting the ones he loves much. Ray, my source of comfort in cold Ohio and stressful Kenyon academia, is about to leave me alone. Leave me behind with another four-month full of not-so-fun school work and all the hassle of my last semester on this Hill. I wished he could be here for my last Philander Phling this coming Phebruary. I wished he would be here, celebrating with me his 23rd birthday. I wished he could be here for my graduation. But at least there's something to be lookinf forward for: Ray is visiting me at home this coming January. Finally he'll get the chance to meet with my family, am so excited! =)

Perhaps, God want me to learn. Or rather it's a reminder, that I should not stay in my comfort zone all the time. That I should learn to care about and dare to know others, others outside my "group".

to be continued..

*snob*

We had an argument yesterday. It hurt quite so much. And the worse part of it, we had the argument at someone's house. Not that we yelled at each other in front of other people though. But, I am pretty sure our angry voices were loud enough to be heared by those peeps in the common room playing Street Fighters. Luckily, there weren't that many people and those pals of ours were not the "bibir ember" or "kepo" ones.

Both of us were upset. I never heared him that angry. Well, probably I had, once. But it's been a while ago. Yet he hardly ever raised his voice like that when we argued, at least never in front of me. Most of our "bad" arguments happened through phone. And we've usually calmed down when we met each other. But last night was just, ugh.. I am still iritated, I cannot lie. I know I am not supposed to, but I am still holding grudge towards "si dekil", the ultimate source and cause of our dispute.

I am leading the praise and worship at church this coming Sunday. Having to be so angry like this, make me feel terrible and guilty. I am not supposed to serve the Lord in such condition. I beg for your forgiveness, Lord Jesus :'(