A Perfect Last Day of Classes

It's another Friday. But it is not quite as typical as the previous hectic Fridays I have had this semester. I had classes from 9am to 4pm with only lunch break on Friday this semester. Often, I would have an English paper due by midnight. But today is not the same exhausting Friday as usual. It's more exhausting, for sure. Since I had to wake up at 5am just to figure out that my lovely laptop did not save the essay I was working on the whole day yesterday. And that essay is due today by midnight. Great, right? I was so sad I couldn't even cry. It felt surreal, indeed. But, again, this is not a regular Friday with all the nerve wracking assignments or the tornado siren that goes off in the middle of my so-much-needed 30 mins power nap. Nope. Today is my last Friday as a Kenyon student. Today is the last day of classes, the last day I had to sit down for a lecture/ lab/ seminar at Kenyon Academia. That was probably why I felt so surrreal this morning. On my last day as a Kenyonite, this lovely school just threw me anything possible to give me a remarkable and unforgetable memory of last day of classes. But nothing will bring me down. Neither the lack of sleep, the slamming doors of my not so toughtful neighbors, nor the wickedness of my laptop for ditching my final paper just at the right time. I want to enjoy this moment, all this stresses as a student. Proud of being a student of, they call it, Harvard/ Princeton of the Midwest, I am! Kenyon had served me well, hopefully vice versa. A balanced ups and downs really taught me a lot and shaped me growing up to be I am as what I am now.

I am in my, not surprisingly, messy dorm. Leonard 316. I think I'll miss it. Before I go on and on, I probably should get my essay going, for I do not have much time. And I have Microbiology assignment due by midnight too. So ya, I'll be back! =)

That's all I will remember

you, whose name remains a mystery
have been with me on this hill for four years
the first time I saw you, we were naive
in countless dreams we believe

I have a lover and so do you
yet this special connection I cannot ignore
you found this weird? I do so too
But dont you feel you just want to know a little more?

Have I known you not
a single word we never exchanged
But I wonder how I got this special knot
you are so familiar, and it hasn't changed

Romance is not the word
for we belong to completely different world
though I know when you look at me
you are just as confused as I am puzzled. I see

your name is all I want to know
before I forget what it is like to walk in the snow
time flies and I will depart
this de ja vu, maybe should just remains as art

I adore you not, love you not
But a word with you would mean a lot
for I need to know how you feel
about a girl whose name remains a mystery

feels like I have known you forever
and your unknown name, that's all I will remember

A Fair Affair?

I was working
when he came through the door
he asked me
just how to spell "penniless"
is it with an "i" or a "y"

I never saw such pair of eyes
so scary that they pierce your soul
his silver-replaced lower jaw teeth
too terrifying to be truth

suddenly, I thought
that was perhaps the end of my chapter
maybe he's about to get a gun
that's hiding inside his brown baggy jacket
bang! one shot and The End.

Life can be so full of surprise
especially in the land of Uncle Sam
the land of the American Dream
the land of the Psychos

After a terrfying three minutes
I walked home, avoiding the muddy path
I liked the cluckle sound of my flats
they remind me of my high heels
that I once wore, at home
though I can't wear them here, in this land full of pressure,
I can still enjoy the saound of it
that's at least relieving, deliberating

even a woven hat in that car
looks like a lady
I swiped my card on the door, and get in
my shoulders have been carrying this backpack
four years, restless years
no wonder I was feeling like fainting the whole day
I checked but my thermometer said no fever
I am in my room
same old day, same old air
did my youth and happiness escape through the window?

Ghost

Depression. It's not the word I would think of regularly or spontaneously. It's obviously not a term people want to define themselves as. But sometimes you are given no choice. I was given no choice.

It's been almost a month or so. I struggle with this feelings of incompetency and self-worthlessness, not to metnion self-esteem deprived. My head is like a ballon, filled with water, and is still being filled with water, though it cannot contain anymore. It's swollen. But it has not burst yet. It is about to burst. In fact, it just wants to burst and end the pain. But the water is going on and off-- driving the poor balloon crazy.

My head hurts, just as much as my heart does. I cannot even be in close contact to my loved ones. Otherwise I'd just hurt them. I'd find the way to irritate or make them gloomy. And I'd feel even more depressed by doing so.

I do not hate anyone. I just hate the position I am in right now. I cannot see the purpose of all these emotional, psychological, and mental tortures that I am entitled of. I need no encouragement from anyone, including you. I need no advice. And I write to relsease the kinks in my head, not to be judged by anyone, including you. So, I would really appreciate if you do not leave any "there's a light at the end of tunnel" comments. Or just dont leave a comment at all.


Give me some space

Can't even cry

the first time EVER in my life to FAIL an exam T_T

I was SHOCK (not to mention how sad I was and still am..)


My first Biochemistry exam turned out to be my first F. Gosh, I feel like I am such an incompetent scientist. Maybe I am.. ='(

it's 2011

I decided to skip 2 first days of my classes. Not much to lose, I guessed. Or even if I losed a little much, I just simply did not care.

Yesterday I arrived at CMH, wearing a pair of hot pants, a thin blouse, and a clearly-not-enough-for-winter hoody. I also arrived with no heart. For I have left my heart at my beloved ones' hands: 1/3 in Manado, 1/3 in Surabaya, and 1/3 in (as you may bet) Bandung. I knew the other passengers, who were all white people, were probably discussing about my "saltum" alias "Salah Kostum". Which was not really an accident. Neither did I do it on purpose. I just did not want to and could not think sanely on my last day in Indo. If Ko Andy's bro was not with me flying to Changi, I would have probably burst in tears.

Trying to be as wise as I can, I never stop reminding myself that this is going to be a fun semester! Though, schedule-wise it is probably not true. At least I always keep in mind that this might be my last 5 months being in the States, why not enjoy it to its bits? Yesterday, Tante Vera, one of the church members who picked me up at the airport, asked me how long I have been in Ohio. Gosh, I have been living in this land of "dead animals on roads" for nearly four years. Cannot believe this is my fourth year being an Ohio-an. Though I am not into Buckeyes as my other Indonesian fellas may, I still call ohio my second home. No matter how evil the snow storm trying to get your soul sometimes, I am still grateful I have the chance to come, learn, laugh, cry, smile, feel blue, be inspired, get discouraged, find true friends, find my love, undertsand the value of family, be angry, be crazy, be me in this land of America's Heart.

Starting my first day of classes with a letter of rejection from Loma Linda School of Dentistry was not the reason for me to smile. Yet, it is still a reason for me to be thankful. I thank God that I now have less options to be confused with =) I thank God for mom who's been checking on me multiple times since I arrived, and dad who-- as always-- checks every bit of my life as if I were 12 years old girl in a foreign country. haha.. I thank for my friends here and there. Life is good and full of blessings, only if I focus on seeking for its goodness and blessings. I relaized I had been complaining a lot in the past few months last year. So, this year is not gonna be a year of whatever-sounds-big-glorious-or-unreasonable. I simply want my 2011 to be a year of complaints free. Sounds too unreasonable? Let's say, 2011 is a year of complaints reduced to 90%.. Please pray for me to achieve that! =)

merci,
angel

one Friday afternoon..

Angel Mogie meeting her advisor, Dr. Hicks, regarding her senior comps:
Dr. Hicks: "you know stressing out won't help, right?"
me: "yes.."
Dr. Hicks: "As your advisor, I ask you to have enough sleep this weekend. Promise me you are going to do that?
"me: "errrr.. I am not sure about that.."
Dr. Hicks: "Well, promise me you will eat, get enough food?"
me: "Oh yea! I can definitely do that!"

lesson learned: the more the schoolwork, the more the chance I am going to burst from over eating!