Lord, I surrender..

Fourth of July, to me it is not more than “a week from DAT test”. You could call me an Asian geek if you wish. I wouldn’t be pissed off, neither would I deny it. I am kind of, or kind of very, nerdy. Don’t get me wrong by thinking I love studying- meh. Though, I admit that I always like and second the idea of learning, that there’s no limit of age or time to it. I hold true that there’s no such thing as wasting time when it comes to education. Additionally, knowledge has to be passed on to the next generations for it to be the most useful. That’s also the reason of this rather new passion that sparked in my heart while I am studying in the land of Uncle Sam- becoming a lecturer. It might sound idealistic to you. In fact, it did sound vague to me when my little “hati nurani” spitted out that idea to my brain. I wasn’t expecting my family to take me seriously about that so-called wild dream of mine, considering how corrupted and unappreciative my beloved country is. I have nothing against Indonesia—the land where my soul rests and my love anchors. Otherwise, I wouldn’t want to go back, not to mention teaching, there after being pampered by a good standard of living for two years in the UK and three years (and still counting) in the States. The fact that my home land country is not in a very “good shape” as a nation can only be accepted true by its people. I personally think that keep ignoring the illness of Indonesia will not be any kind of help at all. Fake patriotism, like we all can see in those nonsense s****d extreme groups, is not what our country needs. In order to be strong, we need to understand and admit our weaknesses first. We have too many NATO, No Action Talk Only, in our government and society. Stop talking and complaining! Move your ass and do something!

Uh oh, that was a little off the topic. Where are we now? What were we talking about, again? This always happens every time I start to talk so seriously in my blog *giggle giggle*

Oh ya, me being a geek. That was the topic. I should have just hit directly to it but just as a TV programs have ads, my blog has some little ads about my side thought. Clearly out of the scope, but hey, who cares. It’s my blog anyway. Lol. Anyhow..
Yesterday I was very upset. There were too many these and that happened to me here in Baltimore. I have no intention to not be grateful, after all the blessings I have received from the Lord, I swear! Life is just tough (sure you’ve heard that excuse eh? Ehm). Growing up is not a comfortable experience, I must say. To keep the long whining short and simple— I was in the down-est situation (by far I am here in Baltimore, MD). Many nerve-wracking incidents happened consecutively. Having unbalance emotion due to my monthly period clearly did not help me to feel any easy. I tried (sometimes pretended, to be honest with you) to be wise and told myself that “there’s something good you will learn from all these”. I do believe that there are good stuff worth learning from the challenges I faced. But my human being is just a bulk of flesh. And the size of my heart is, unfortunately, not infinitely big. In tears I trembled. After talking to my dad over the phone I just thought “that would be it. I do not want to stay in the USA for any longer. After Kenyon, I am going home!” Ray video called me afterwards and I just couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I burst in tears, couldn’t even speak straight because I was sobbing so hard. Ray was looking at me in pity. Trying to cheer me up though he knew there’s nothing much he could do but listen to me. I have to deal with it. My soul has to face the fact that the process of maturing is not always delicious, like my favorite banana bread. I was at the point where there is no better person who can help me grasping a better comprehension of my life journey, than myself (with the aid from God, of course). At least, I was lucky enough that technology is so well advanced now, I could have Ray providing me comfort although just virtually. A soul is just like a body, can be exhausted too.

Despite all that theories of “self maturation” and “life journey”, I ended up asking myself: what am I looking for all this time? My ambition to be a great dentist has always been my hiding wall. Every time I felt overwhelmed, I hid behind it. I wasn’t hiding from people. I hid from myself. My brain and my heart were playing their favorite game— hide and seek! I am so ambitious myself that I often ignore my heart. I faked myself out by pretending that I cannot hear my heart screaming, yet can listen to my brain whispering. What is the point of achieving my ambitions while sacrificing the happiness I left behind (at home)? I do not want to take my family for granted for I never know how long I will have them for. I want to be home. I want to be near the ones who my heart belongs to. But giving up on my dream would kill me. I was not raised up that way. How about my life-long motto a man without ambition is like a bird without its wings? I do not know.. Seriously I do not know.. If you asked me, “now, what then?”, I have no clue what my answer should be. I want to study dentistry in the US just as much as I do not want to spend another 4-5 years away from my family. Life is full of tough decisions, isn’t it? I guess the best thing I can do is asking the Man above. Actually not just asking, but let Him decide for me. For he knows my every thoughts and understands me the most.

I don’t know if a plain boring life is much more enjoyable than a rollercoaster-crazy one. I think I’ll just take it as it is then, one at a time.
And Lord, I surrender.