Flabbergasting!

2011-12-09T10:19:00.001-05:00

missing Kenyon.. so badly.

I wished I still could speak it :(

2011-12-05T12:06:00.002-05:00

I miss speaking French. I swear to God I once spoke that sexy language, pretty fluently! I took a year-long intense course of French at Kenyon College during my Freshman year. Twas hard yet fun-- doing french twice a day, moday-friday for the whole year. Randomly open my usb data (ppl here call it flash disk), I found my old essays. One of them is my french writing, dated on September 28th, 2007. I was young and excited of being a student of such prestigeous University like Kenyon :)

Une Description Personnel

Allo! Je m’appelle Angel Mogie. Je suis d’origine l'Indonésie mais j’étudie aux États-Unis. Mon l’université est Kenyon Université à Gambier, dans l’Ohio, aux Etats-Unis. C’est une université très bonne et belle et j’aime habiter à université. Les professeurs et les amis sont brillants et indépendants mais non égoïstes.
J’ai cinq cours. Ce sont la biologie, le laboratoire de biologie, le français, la musique et le chœur de chambre. Mes cours ne sont pas faciles. Le français est très difficile mais j’adore la langue. Le laboratoire de biologie est difficile aussi et c’est pourquoi j’aime mieux la biologie. La biologie n’est pas facile mais aussi c’est n’est pas très difficile. C’est important et utile. J’aime la musique et le chœur de chambre parce que j’adore chanter beaucoup.
J’aime écouter la musique beaucoup. Norah Jones, Jack Johnson et Joseph Jaffar sont de très bons chanteurs. Aussi, j’aime manger, voyager et retrouver les nouveaux amis. Je n’aime pas regarder la télévision mais j’aime regarder un film avec mes amis.

seriously, I didn't use online dictionary at all when I worte this!

It's really not about the gifts-- it's the love attached

2011-11-30T03:31:00.016-05:00

Originally I was thinking about writing a personal gratitude of having the chance to experience much more love, excitement, friendship, life journey, tears of joy and happiness, family moments, travellings, good food, great books, and many other blessings from the Great Man Above. But since I am not feeling well, I'd just share some bday moments/gifts on this post and do that one on another post. Enjoy! :)

I woke up in the morning with a card that says “Happy 23th Birthday”. Regardless of the typo, I still love the card lol. And of course, the people whom the card is from— sissy Gaby, bro in law Andy, and lil bro Billy *hug

The card didn’t come empty handed, of course :p I also got a pair of earrings. They knew just what I like =)

My first gifts in the morning: a no ordinary card + a pair of earrings

Then I got a surprise at school. My Ubaya best buddies got a dark chocolate cake from Dapur Coklat.. deliciosooooo!!!

Ubaya best buddies (or my kids, more aptly): left to right.. Vanny, me, Nani, Rheta <3

Taking a pose with some girlfriends of mine.. They’re 5 years younger than me! I do not look that aged, apparently.. hehehehe (^__^)v

On 1st Dec when I came back from school I got a delivery from Mr. Postman— a bday card from my bff Janet and a postcard of Lyon.

Lyon, the city where Janet is studying right now. So pretty..

A card with lots of love and (of course) written in PURPLE ink (janet’s fave color)

Later on the 1st of Dec, Mr. Postman brought another lovely package for me— a simple yet deep white card..

…and a FUJIFILM INSTAX MINI 7S POLAROID!!!!! Awwww… I once wanted this thing so badly. I even forgot that I wanted it like a year ago. Lols and YAAAAYYYY!!!!

A card and Polaroid camera from my one and only darling, Ray.. my BFL (boyfriend for life). Love you sayaaaaanngggg *hugandkisses

And, last but not least, MONEYYYYYYYY from my big bro and his wifey, and from my two beloved heroes mom&dad

the wedding; 19 nov 2011

2011-11-26T11:35:00.003-05:00

Tea pai ceremony..

My bro and his wife-very-soon-to-be, Silvia

Left-right: james mogi (dad’s lil bro), yolanda mogi (dad’s baby sister), Apollo Mogi (dad’s father), Ani Mongdong (dad’s mommy), Meiske Mogi (dad’s lil sis), Herry Mogi (super daddy!)

After the reeption—twas a fun night =)

I am 160cm and was wearing 15cm of heels (imagine how tall they’re!)

Me singing “Jangan Berhenti mencintaiku” by Titi DJ, as an opening performance

My most fave pic of all—me and my beloved Ray

My 2nd most fave pic— a maroon couple

Cwayzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

With sis, bros, cuz, bro in law, bf, and uncle

Left-right: dr. Gavin Mogi (big bro, the groom), Gabriel Mogi SH, MKn, MM (big sis), Angel Mogi BA in Molecular Biology (me), Billy Mogi (lil bro)

Ma belle mere.. Susana Nyono aka Mrs. Herry Mogi

This is what a normal pose supposed to be in my family, seriously..

Mon petit ami <3

With siblings and cousins, the Manuhurapons

Tea Pai, love my peach H&M dress ^__^

Richard and Michael Manuhurapon, fave handsome cousins

One of the many family portraits

Cousin Michael Mongdong (people said he kinda look like ray)

H-4

2011-11-13T02:34:00.001-05:00

I love EVERYTHING about you.
but that ONE thing

:'(

Yes, I do.

2011-11-04T02:39:00.004-04:00

My bro is getting married real soon! It's weird to think of any of my siblings having a spouse. Seems like it was a blink ago when we were all just like crazy little monkeys, so far from being mature, gazillion years from being PARENTS! Our big bro is going to tie the knot to a lovey lady who's a high school friend of my sissy. The 19th of November will be the date and I am so looking forward for it =) Even more, I am more than excited to see and hug my beloved boy. Been 4 months since the last time we embraced each other's presence. Cannot wait for our own wedding #blushblush

here's my dress for my bro's wedding reception:

and this simpler knee-length peach dress is for the holy matrimony:

but I am still not sure about this latter dress. Somehow I thought it's too revealing to be worn at church though there might be an exception entitled since it's a wedding thing and not a sermon. We'll see..

Will be off to manado on 17th November and won't be back til 21st Nov

wish me no more breakouts on my already pimple-accessorized face! >_<

<3
~njl

from teaching to almost 5 glasses of red wine

2011-10-30T11:52:00.004-04:00

went to teach a "bimbel" group today-- a group of Christian academists who are passionate about sharing their knowledge to those who can't afford to pay "luxury" bimbingan belajar. Edo picked me up after church and we taught these four educationally hungry, grade nine, kids. While the little boys were such cute imps, teasing me while I was teaching..hehehe. I was so excited teaching biology, about the genetic stuff (my speciality ^__^). Mitosis and meiosis. That was a loooong time ago when I dealt with ya guys! Still fresh in my mind, those vocabs, wonders, and greatnest of science! Ahhhh I am such a nerd and I don't mind at all! No one will realize the beauty of natural science until you dedicated almost half of your live serving the field. Oh, and it was my first time after about 10 years riding a motorcycle. Was scared but fun #palmface,giggle (=

And just got back from a dinner. My sis' fiance's aunty and uncle and couple cousins asked us out for a fancy Korean dinner somewhere in the west side of Surabaya. The food was good. I've always enjoyed Korean delicacies. And the wine was good too, hehe.. I just think I've had a little too much that now my head is so heavy. I've deleted lotsa typos while writing this post, I should go to bed.

november is around the corner. cant wait to see my dodo honey =)))

tipsy, just a lil..
njl

flowless words

2011-10-25T11:05:00.003-04:00

Longing for the moments when the excitement of writing was beyond explanation-- hope the lips of my heart won't be as cold as those of my brain.

chill
~njl

him, not him

2011-10-20T03:34:00.004-04:00

listening to coldplay's "The Scientist" and recalling all the AC memories-- reminds me of him too. I hope life is treating him well somewhere there in the land of the Queen (=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU

Blame it on the boogie

2011-10-18T01:15:00.003-04:00

I know I shouln't be writing here.. But I just can't help myself.

In the middle of midterms (people here call it UTS) and I literally have no pressure to study. AT ALL.

I hope people don't get me wrong-- as if I am underestimating Law. It's just that when one does something with no interest in it, one will tend to do it half-heartedly.

Can I put the blame on the boogie this time then?

R.a.y

2011-10-13T06:10:00.001-04:00

These feelings are hard to explain
yet losing you is insanity, I can't afford
Have I no reason to blame, to complain
But the night can sometimes get too cold

My soul longs for the inevitable
reaching you not might the spark perish
Rainbow fades and it's uncontrollable
til all just memory the sky may cherish

Writing too long of a love song
can make your fingers crimp, blemish
still mouth can't recite a sweet "so long"
'cause in heart planted all promise

without you the world is a tyranny
and emptiness would give me company

october breeze

2011-10-09T23:28:00.002-04:00

sometimes..
when silence is the only explanation
to your wandering thoughts
you'd beg for the night to be longer
stay darker, go colder

Restless soul is not an option
for my heart was never an harbor
Love is a game, complexion
of which life takes heart to ponder

I dwell in my estate of self
thinking of my deed, ain't branching?
If I no longer crave
what is it to do with the pounding?

Never I lack of anything
those hard words I wish I could erase
Yet these feelings can't I elaborate
because there should be no disgrace

my love my one and my only
should I say I was made for you solely?
No matter what comes, come what may!
our heart as one, no one can bring dismay

Feb 26th, 2009

2011-10-09T00:48:00.006-04:00

Another wholehartedly written poem by me. It amazes me how much memories a poem brings by just reading it through. And it reminds me to be grateful about my complicated yet sweet love story. So blessed to have you in my life, R. I can truly see the way God takes care of me and my heart through you *hug*

Banyak bunga baru yang tumbuh
namun yang kusuka hanya satu
Kuning kecil daffodil itu
bagiku yang terindah walau cepat sekali layu

Musim panas tak bertahan dia
Musim dingin tiada bermekaran kuncupnya
Hujan musim semi membuatnya berbunga
walau hanya sesaat, ah kunikmati saja

Mendamba yang datang dan pergi sesuka hati
bagai mencoba memeluk awan mengelus pelangi
semua yang indah dan nyaman bagai mimpi di malam sunyi
saat mentari terjaga dari tidurnya, lenyaplah ia bagai embun pagi

Mencinta yang tak pernah nyata, bagai bayang
layaknya menggenggam pasir untuk kau bawa pulang
Lembut dan hangat dia setelah terbakar terik siang
namun belum pula di persimpangan, semua pasir sudah jatuh dan hilang

Sang pencinta sendiri bagai bayu dia
laksana sungai mengalir saja menuruti bumi entah kemana
Satu yang pasti setelah semua perjalanan panjangnya
akan berpadu dia dengan sang samudera, entah yang mana

Bila pujangga telah lelah merangkai kata
nama apakah yanga akan diberikan padanya?
Cinta suci itu tak terbagi, layaknya pujangga yang tak kan habis kata
hanya saja bisa berpindah semua puisi, lagu, dan cinta
pada hati yang siap mencinta dan menerima setulus jiwa, entah siapa

Daffodil tak bisa hidup di atas pasir
Pujangga tak mungkin selamanya menggantung mimpi di awan
Sungai ini sepertinya hendak mencapai hilir
dia bercabang, ah sekarang aku ada di persimpangan!

unspoken words

2011-10-09T00:14:00.007-04:00

I was randomly screening my books I brought from the States this morning. I love good books and I found books a great hiding place. I miss the moment when I can just burry my nose behind my books and none will dare to say a thing--- coz that's just a typical day at Kenyon. You cannot be too nerdy or to wild of a party rocker. It's a beautiful place where knowledge grows deep inside. When one can learn about life, love, and friendship while being educationally enriched and challenged.

My Kenyon Hill often insipred me to write. I found couple poems I worte a while ago. I found writing very soothing. When my heart is restless and words can't be spoken, I can always run to my pen and paper :) I love writing. Moreover, I love the memory that I can recall from reading my writings in the years after. Here goes just a few of the poems I wrote with a glimpse of story behind them..

this was the transition stage.. from "a broken heart" to "embracing a new love story". I was in disguise and don't want to completely move. Was welcoming one, yet cannot let go the other one. Ahhhhh love is really a game of the fools

Gejolak itu datang lagi
Menambah yang pernah ada
Membuat hati bergetar lagi
Namun kubetranya..

Adakah nyata semua harap
Ataukah cuma aku yang terpesona?
Jiwa ini lelah dengan asa yang sekejap
Karena mendamba bagiku itu segenap jiwa

Dia yang tak mungkin kurengkuh, tak kuasa kulepas
Walau tak bersama, memori indah tetap terjaga
Selesai sudah, selesai sudah ku berkemas
Sudah siap aku, utuh cintaku, tuk berlabuh di sana

Adakah yang di sana itu nyata?
21 feb 2009

then I felt down again.. realizing that it wasnt easy for my broken heart to pretend to be jolly =(

Disini aku kembali lagi
Dengan asa yang masih terukuir terpatri
Salju jatuh perlahan, menyentuh bumi
Aku dengan sejuta perasaan, menanti yang tak pasti

Pohon yang sama, ranting yang sama
Tegar berdiri lewati ragamnya musim
Akankah bertahan hasrat di dada
Terluka mendamba cinta yang tak mungkin?
Feb 2009

the new one comes like a wind-- comes and go as he wished. Maybe that is not the best way to describe him. But I still remember the way he made me struggle with those up and down feelings. Yet slowly for sure, he was taking my world over.. turning my gloomy winter days into spring afternoons-- with lots of flower, yet still some rain.

Mengapa kau datang mengetuk
Kalau jadinya tak pernah mau masuk
Sesaat terasa seolah kau menanti
Terkadang terpikir bahwa kau tak peduli

Banyak Tanya berhimpitan di dada
Hatimu padaku ataukah padanya?
Walau sering kau tunjukkan perhatian dan sayang
Tetap saja ragu mengikuti sukma, bagai bayang

Mencinta bagiku itu segenap jiwa
Jangan biarkan hatiku harap bila itu tak nyata
Bila kau memang sang pujangga
Mengapa sulit bagimu tuk merangkai kata?

Misunderstanding. This stage was the most difficult one duirng our "PDKT" time. hehe.. I thought he was making me an option, and vice versa. So, it was kinda "HTS" yet already being so jealous with each other. Bitter sweet indeed ^__^

Belahan jiwa kemanakah kamu?
Kemarin ada sekarang dimana, ku tak tahu
Bagai langit nakal, kemarin cerah hari ini kelabu
Kau sembunyi hatimu, biarkan gelisah hatiku

Tak lelahkah kau melompat kesana kemari?
Tak letih kah kau menari dari hati ke hati?

Absence

2011-10-04T02:40:00.002-04:00

my heart ponders
of what the eyes see
for nobody can answer the questions
and it is "I" who's in process, not we

I am not ignoring the curiosity
yet she decides that I'm not her agency
neither I aim for a brilliant ending
my passion is really what I'm longing

there were times
when ters are the best you can express
and the silence of the night understands
your sorrow more than your beloved ones

my joy was robbed
my passion was raped
in chain they made me smiled
I wished for a piece of mind

ready my soul for its calling
yet in their eyes I am worthless
for dreaming too high, aming too much
can't you just let me Rest In Peace?

if you are real then take me
from this hell to another hell
I won't mind, I would agree
as long as I have my right to spell

is this me? or are you using me?
my life has never been mine
they say "live it up", shall be
but I am not thee

when I no longer have it

2011-09-29T22:34:00.005-04:00

The anticipation was not within my capability. I thought I could treat my Kenyon's memories as a reminder for me to simply be even more grateful. Yet, I did not know that I would start missing that second-home of mine this early.. I am studying at Ubaya's library and wished that I could be there-- at Multimedia Room where I used to work, do homework, sometimes webcaming with R, or even secretly eating my afternoon snack. I miss that table next to the window, near the clock, eating oatmeal sunny side up egg bacon and sriracha plus skimmed milk as my bfast, eating gross lunches, uncooked rice that I always complained about, delicioso ribs.. I miss Kenyon's dinning hall. Peirce Dinning hall-- where I eat, I meet friends and socialize, study like hell, go for Philander Phling, wait cheerfully for the midnight bfast.. My messy dorm. Nothing beats the feeling of contentment of being in my tiny and messy dorm. Books everywhere covering the floor, navy blue bed cover and blanket, piled laudry, desk with my almost-24hr-online laptop, and my most fave one: the view through my window during snow shower. Science quad was my boyfriend, of whom I had a love-hate relationship with. I loved that square of knowledge and curiosity of the so-called nerds and geeks of teh Hill. Always enjoyed, sometimes hated, walking there for classes-- depends whether I was in the mood or not, or whether I was done with hw or not, or whether I had big exam for another class. Chem dept, how I miss sleeping in your common room on the 4th floor lol. I miss Sally too, my science soulmate. Can't imagine my Junior&Senior semesters without her. Walking to the post office, while listening to my ipod, watching the autumn leaves fall gracefully, say hi to friends who are walking/ cycling, pretend not seeing some others, sending packages and receiving cards.. make me smile. When the day is hot and hard, buckeye classic from the bookstore ice cream parlor will be a luxurious treatment for myself. Oh, I forgot that I hadnt submit my classes registration form-- stopping by the Registrar then.. Study, eat, making a lot of friends, doing my laundry, working at the library, study at wherever-I0feel-like-studying, meeting with professors, going to classes, picking up parcels, lazying around in my room, taking a long hot shower, KACing, Kenyon.. I miss my life there. So much.

Undo Button

2011-08-21T18:35:00.001-04:00

Aren’t I, me?

I feel semi-conscious these days. I do what my heart doesn’t want to, I do not do what I am supposed to. Never occurred in my mind that, the more I love the person, the more I’d hurt her/ him— yet, I did just exactly that. I have become a new me, a worse version of my being. Easily irritated that’s me. Too sensitive and get angry almost to everything, that’s me too. I am possessed, aren’t I? Possessed by my alter-ego. I feel lost and trapped. Yet not knowing what direction I was looking for or what kind of trap has gotten my feet. I have been dragging myself far away from God, that’s what I knew for sure. The most crucial thing I shouldn’t have done, ever.
I hurt those whom I love the most.. those whose lives, to me, are more precious than mine. I hurt my little brother by my emotional explosion which resulted in upsetting words. I did not intend to scream those disgraceful words, I swear to God! But I just couldn’t control it. Then I regret it and let my nights be haunted by guilty feelings. I wished I had an undo button.

I’ve also been very impatient with my Mom and Dad, the two most important persons in my life. Nothing has changed, in terms of my love and respect to them. It is me that has changed. Nonetheless, I have no clue what or in what way I have been transformed to. All those not so polite words, I wished I had an undo button.
My sister got some sparks of my anger, of course. I found myself hard to accept suggestion and, not to mention, to argue. I had become a selfish person, almost arrogant. Aren’t I supposed to love my family and friends and even foreign people? The more I try to reason, the more I got lost in this self-uncertainty. I just wished I had an undo button.

I hate to mention this, but Ray probably has experienced the worse of my evilness. Why him? I don’t know. Maybe because he’s the one whom I love much, and that I communicate with him so often. Within less than a month, I had challenged his love, patience, and understanding. I pushed him against a wall and finally crossed the limit. I accused him doing what he did not, put all the blame on him, raged his peace with my anger. I can’t and won’t blame him for the hard situation we are in now. I started it and drove it worse. No one on earth, hell, or heaven should get the blame but me. And I just truly wished there’s an undo button.

Can someone find me the undo button?

insomnia

2011-08-10T03:57:00.003-04:00

it's August! already..

Can't believe I am home already, almost 100% settled dwon.. well, not until I go back to school I guess. And see how I'll like it. Yep, this Monday I am going back to school. Doing something so out of my area-- LAW! I won't be offended by any surprised faces or questions which doubt or underestimate me.. or simply confused statements. have had tons of those. Kinda tiring to recitate the same answers and explanations again and again. But my tounge is getting used to eat. My heart is too. I don't feel like extending my thought and explanation here, about me and my decision to pursue law. I promise to write about it, sooner or later. But yea, this Monday I will be going back to school. Nervous? Not quite so. I wished I had the excitement of going back to school, to a new school, doing something completely new to me. But at leat I don't take it as a burden. Too relax I am, that I hope I won't be taking this course half-heartedly.

*I am using my sis' computer and I so hate it btw!!*

Ray and I are going good. Stronger than ever. Just had a pretty bad fight over the phone couple weeks ago. But it's all good. Couples who fight are the ones that still really love each other =) I miss him tho.. I was in Jkt for a bit last month and got to see, hug, and k*** him. But he was working, so ofcourse I didn't get to have his full time and attention during my stay in the City =/ but anyhow, I guess we both are used to the LDR. We even started it as LDR, Kenyon-Columbus. So nothing to worry about really..

However, I dont want this LDR to be too long. I mean, the longest one was 6 months ot seeing each other-- he graduated and moved back to Indo while I was still finishing my degree in Ohio, USA. We managed to ace the time down.. whitout realizing the dangerous side effect..

to keep the story simple. Ray told me that he felt very foreign when we first met in Jakarta. Hugging me feels nothing, and I also could tell. I tld him that he neednt say a athing about it, I already knew. For I can cleverly read his body language more than anyone else, I believe. It took Ray couple days to really feel that I am the one he has been waiting for. In his thought, nothing change about our relationship, about me whom his heart longed for. But when we meet, he felt like the one in his memory isn't the one he's seeing. I was sad. Can you imagine, when you were so on fire, meeting the one you dear so highly, and he said "I don't feel aything"? I was so scared that distance will seperate us-- that was the first time we both got scared aout LDR, and understood why people said LDR ain't a cup of tea. It is indeed not a piece of banana bread.

But as I spent more time with him, I could feel that he finally recovered from his "insomnia".. through his hug, the way he holds my hand, and his eyes. Since the, we commited to try to see each other at least every 2-3 months. We still have 3.5 years to go. Our love will be challanged by time, distance, and circumstances. If we can pass the test, I believe nothing can fail our love.

cant wait to see him in Nov =)

back off!!!!!

2011-07-05T06:57:00.003-04:00

That was it! Enough is enough! Don't you dare forcing me doing what I don't wanna do! This country is so freaking F*****G stupid and corrupted!!! No wonder those who've been outside Indonesia hesitate to come back. Stupid goverment!! And I freaking hate people who force me to do damn stupid things!!! Don't you ever dare treating me this way again, ever! No matter who you are!!! I can punch someone on the face right now!!!!!!!! so freaking pissed off!!!!! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

update

2011-07-02T04:25:00.004-04:00

welcome to the month of July!

Home has been great. No place is better than home, indeed. For home is where my heart takes rest-- where the ones I dear the most reside. Many stories I have been wanting to share. But this lazy syndrom is sucking all my motivation. Ahhh...

This year is a busy year for me and my family. I graduated on May. Mom and Dad and 2 of my 3 siblings came for my graduation and we went for 1-month US tour. It was bloody jolly fun :) From Florida to New York to California, we've kicked their butts! My big bro is getting married in November. How exciting! Still more excitement-- my sis will have her engagement party on Sept 10th. The day after we arrived from Uncle Sam, my sis' boyfriend's family met up with my family and arranged the engagement party. Next year by June my sis will no longer be Gabriel Mogi but Gabriel Setiawan, S.H., M.Kn., M.M. (so many degrees I know.. Can you imagine how intimidating it is to be her husband? lol).

Life is good. And I believe will always be so. I didn't say it won't be free of challenges. But, surrounded by love, and with Him, I shall not worry about a thing. God has been my provider, my deliverer, and will always be so. For now, I plan to continue to a school in Surabaya. I love reading books can't you tell? haha.. so sarcastic.. I am grateful tho, for the opportunities. I do not know where the future will bring me. But I know for sure God is the One behind the wheel. So, I am taking it easy ;)

My R is doing great too. Each day I love him even more and more. So blessed to have have him in my life. Couple nights ago a very good friend of mine spent a night with me. We had a great reunion and chatted til dawn-- 4am! I stole her from her hubby hehe.. Many stories we shared-- from friends to being pregnant (she's a mom of three beautiful angels). She updated me about our junior high friends, most of them are boys. Man, it is true that to find a righteous man nowadays is as hard as to find a needle in a stack of jerami (apa yah bahasa inggrisnya jerami? hehe..). I don't want to recreate the not-so-noble stories of those friends of us here. But it made me extremely thanksful for my beloved boy. I cannot ask for a better partner. And I hope I can one day share my life with him. Be next to him in happiness and sorrow. I can never thank God enough for sending my guardian angel, R, in my life. I love you, R! I really do..

R is working at one of the biggest real estate companies in Indo. Though his position isn't one of the bonafide ones. But he's learning a lot and I admire his willingness and motifation to learn. Indeed a type of man that I had been praying for =) By the grace of God, we will be together forever in about 3-3.5 years. While I never worried about getting married old, he did! It makes me giggle everytime I think of it because he is the boy yet he's the one worrying about that "sensitive" stuff. hehe.. It's cute isnt it? :p I need to learn to be less stuborn. He'll be the head of the family and it is my duty to be submissive. I pray that the Lord God will enable me to be a good partner for R.

Hadn't written for a while.. Feel like I am sumarizing the last few months of my life here. I miss writing, esp. in English. Life is so ful of surprises-- happy and not so happy ones. I thank God for my life. I thank God for those who color my life. I hope my life, one day, will color others'.

til then,
angel

I am home!

2011-06-19T19:50:00.002-04:00

It's been 2 nights since I landed on my beloved hometown. Yet I still feel strange being here.. Knowing that I am done with school, how odd to live in a place that has only been my vacation destination for the past 6 years. I've said a sweet so long to Uncle Sam. Hoping that we'll get to embrace each other again sometimes in the future. America has been great to me. It's a place full of learning and memories. I'll surely miss living there-- in fact I already have.

Hoping that my English won't fade away!

SENIORITIS!!

2011-05-07T17:05:00.003-04:00

.. and it's a severe one! Gosh, my brain just shuts off. Can't think anymore. I do not even feel a tiny itsy bit of pressure for finals this time. Still want to maintain good grades though. But it's so friggin harddddd.. Thanks God I only have one sit-down exam. My other finals are paper, lab report, and a web project. I can't wait till mom, dad, gebot, and billy are here.. Graduation finally seems so close (yes it is that close!). May 21st ill be the day. I Hope the sun will not be too shy to come out despite the number of proud students and parents on this Hill. Been waiting for this day, and the weeks of travelling and shopping spree! :D
Ray, I'd love him to come to my big day. But he has to work, do his job to prepare for our BIG day ^.^ I miss him today (not that I never miss him before). He's looking content and been talking about his urge to get married soon. One day he'll be, "how about three years from now?" and the next day he'll change his mind and say, "I think I'll be ready in two years." Suprisingly, he's the one who's worried about getting married too old. Shouldn't I be the one with the anxiety of being an old virgin? hehe.. Apparently he's been going to a Christian Care Group that has many young married couples with young kids. And he decided he wants to be a dad soon too! lol. Though that would mean he needs my pass first. Of course, since I am the one who'll be in charge of carrying that big belly for 9 months. It's funny when we got into this convo, and argument about this issue. Ah Ray how I love you :) He's just too lovely. I cannot ask for a better man.

Biochem!!! NOW!!!

A Perfect Last Day of Classes

2011-05-06T15:55:00.004-04:00

It's another Friday. But it is not quite as typical as the previous hectic Fridays I have had this semester. I had classes from 9am to 4pm with only lunch break on Friday this semester. Often, I would have an English paper due by midnight. But today is not the same exhausting Friday as usual. It's more exhausting, for sure. Since I had to wake up at 5am just to figure out that my lovely laptop did not save the essay I was working on the whole day yesterday. And that essay is due today by midnight. Great, right? I was so sad I couldn't even cry. It felt surreal, indeed. But, again, this is not a regular Friday with all the nerve wracking assignments or the tornado siren that goes off in the middle of my so-much-needed 30 mins power nap. Nope. Today is my last Friday as a Kenyon student. Today is the last day of classes, the last day I had to sit down for a lecture/ lab/ seminar at Kenyon Academia. That was probably why I felt so surrreal this morning. On my last day as a Kenyonite, this lovely school just threw me anything possible to give me a remarkable and unforgetable memory of last day of classes. But nothing will bring me down. Neither the lack of sleep, the slamming doors of my not so toughtful neighbors, nor the wickedness of my laptop for ditching my final paper just at the right time. I want to enjoy this moment, all this stresses as a student. Proud of being a student of, they call it, Harvard/ Princeton of the Midwest, I am! Kenyon had served me well, hopefully vice versa. A balanced ups and downs really taught me a lot and shaped me growing up to be I am as what I am now.

I am in my, not surprisingly, messy dorm. Leonard 316. I think I'll miss it. Before I go on and on, I probably should get my essay going, for I do not have much time. And I have Microbiology assignment due by midnight too. So ya, I'll be back! =)

That's all I will remember

2011-05-05T15:16:00.006-04:00

you, whose name remains a mystery
have been with me on this hill for four years
the first time I saw you, we were naive
in countless dreams we believe

I have a lover and so do you
yet this special connection I cannot ignore
you found this weird? I do so too
But dont you feel you just want to know a little more?

Have I known you not
a single word we never exchanged
But I wonder how I got this special knot
you are so familiar, and it hasn't changed

Romance is not the word
for we belong to completely different world
though I know when you look at me
you are just as confused as I am puzzled. I see

your name is all I want to know
before I forget what it is like to walk in the snow
time flies and I will depart
this de ja vu, maybe should just remains as art

I adore you not, love you not
But a word with you would mean a lot
for I need to know how you feel
about a girl whose name remains a mystery

feels like I have known you forever
and your unknown name, that's all I will remember

A Prayer

2011-05-04T16:31:00.003-04:00

Lord, may Your will be revealed and done in me. I want my live to be well lived, well lived in You. My humanness is so limited, that I cannot comperhend. Your way is beyond my way, God. Please show me the way, let my heart be sensitive and obidient to your voice and calling. I believe in your wonderous ways. While I am waiting, give me passion and persistance. I was created and live for You and Your glory. And I want to continue my journey according to Your plan. I am sorry Lord, it has taken me this long to ask "what You want me to do with my life, for You?" I am Your servant, Lord Jesus. Guide me and give me strength so I can carry Your cross in my life. Amen.

Back off!

2011-04-28T13:08:00.003-04:00

I feel horrible today. Right now. Just had some arguments with people who matter the most in my life. One of them is my boy. We have been constantly having arguments about this and that. Gees, can we just have a break from irritating each other just until I am done with my school hassles? He can be so insensitive, which irritates me. And I can be so stubborn and say mean stuff when I am stressed out.

My button's been pushed too many times in a short span of time I guess.

Just back off! I might explode!

Gloomy Easter

2011-04-24T13:45:00.003-04:00

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!

He's not there, for He has risen! :) Thank you dear Lord for saving me, for Your love, Your cross. So disappointed I cannot make it to church today, on Easter, due to school work load. I could have gone to church if only I was productive yesterday. Shouldn't have underestimated my 3000 words project, really. But I just couldn't help myself. Yesterday was just not my day. Feeling down and gloomy the whole day, feeling so alienated, so alone. I think I am ready to move on. Move on to a life where I will be near those whom my heart belongs to. I miss mom, dad, koko, gebot, billy, and petit ami ray. Vous me manquez, tres tres mal =(

Maaf =(

2011-04-23T10:40:00.001-04:00

Not so long ago I thought of this old saying (which I can't recall where I picked that from), those whom I love the most are the ones who hurt me the most

Then I realized that what's true is really.. those who I love the most are the ones who I hurt the most

and that just broke my heart into pieces.

I am sorry dad.. I am sorry Ray..

for real?

2011-04-20T11:45:00.001-04:00

VW Beetle after Kenyon? *wink wink*

ps. yellow would be even nicer :p

51 days

2011-04-03T22:17:00.002-04:00

away from graduation, I am. Cannot wait. My motivation has started to vaporized and I do not know how much I have left.

I am kinda afraid to go home, though I cannot wait to be done with my undergrad exploration. Being far from my life, for 6 years, has challenged my heart beyond what I expected. Yet, US is my comfort zone at the moment. Going home is like a simalakama for me.

I know I need to pray. Need to surrender my will and let His be done

7 things

2011-03-24T15:10:00.003-04:00

I am not a huge fan of Miley Cyrus. I just happened to listen to her music video on Youtube yesterday. It's called "7 things", and let me do my own version of it ;)

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared
It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear
My dear

The seven things I hate about you
The seven things I hate about you
Oh you
Your cuek-ness, your china-ness
You're susah ngasih kabar-ness
your ngga open-ness
You make me laugh
You make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends some of them are jerks
When you act like them
Just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and its silent
As I wait for you to say
What I need to hear now
Your sincere apology
When you mean it I'll believe it
If you text it I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh, I'm not coming back
You're taking seven steps here

Chorus:

The seven things I hate about you
Your cuek-ness, your china-ness
You're susah ngasih kabar-ness
you're ngga open
You make me laugh
You make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends some of them are jerks
When you act like them
Just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the seven that I like

The seven things I like about you
Your smile, your smell
Your glasses
When we kiss im hipnotised
Your crazy jokes, your small surprise
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined
Everything's alright
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you

You do, oh
Ooh, ooh, ooh oh
Ooh, ooh, ooh oh

Boston

2011-03-16T01:54:00.003-04:00

.. and having fun with my highschool peeps. Staying at Harvard dorm with my beloved friend Hetty.

R, OH

2011-03-13T12:51:00.004-04:00

some people were just simply born to be mean and sarcastic.. and they exist as stepping stones for others in becomeing a more patient of a person.

I hope God grants me serenity to learn the lessons.

Doesn't that make you wonder- Why?!

2011-03-12T17:18:00.003-05:00

Young Asian women are three times more likely to commit suicide than the rest of the population. Doesn't that make you wonder- Why?!

I think it's probably attributed to a few key reasons.

1.Culture.

Asian societies tend to be very status conscious. Asian parents tend to place a heavy psychological pressure to succeed, from a very young age. We do not encourage learning from failure. We place an immense feeling of shame in relation to failure. This is a recipe for suicide.

2. High Stress

Cities like Tokyo, Hong Kong and Seoul are part of the worlds biggest business capitals. They influence the rest of Asia not just in terms of business, but also fashion trends, and media. This puts a great pressure on the people who are part of this.

3. The Position of Women in Asia

Many Asian women aren't taken seriously and are very often seen as sexual objects by both White and Asian men. No matter how much we have advanced, the foundation of the relationship between Asian women and men is for them to serve the men and provide sex. Sad huh? You may have your arguments on this point, but on a whole, this problem is much more prevalent in Asia than anywhere else.

4. Taboo

We do not speak of that which (we think) should not be spoken of! We don't see mental illnesses like depression for what it really is- an affliction that needs treatment. Instead, we do all we can to sweep such things under the rug, otherwise people will talk and we will lose face. We ignore the abnormal, yet when something like suicide happens, we say - "I never saw it coming". I think for most suicide cases, the people around the victims did see it coming but chose to ignore these warning signs, in the hopes that the situation would just right itself.

from: http://lifestyle.www.ns.sg

Misundertstood

2011-03-05T01:28:00.002-05:00

I think I am. It's sad though. Because we are just about to start a nice friendship. I can see it could be a nice, supportive, and heart warming one. But why I am always the one who is misunderstood by people? =(

JL

annoyed

2011-03-02T14:33:00.003-05:00

i have a migrain right now. I tried to nap just now, with a hope to shoo this migrain away. But the maintenance people were blowing the dry leaves on the ground and it was terribly noisy =/ I don't blame the people, they're just doing their job. But the sound of the blower just pissed me off cos now I have an even worse migrain =(

I woke up, and decided that I'd just take a shower. I steped into the bathrom and realied that another maintenance guy was repairing one of the shower. I could have used the other shower. But I just did not feel right to be naked, with only a curtain as a door (and you can def see my shadow through the curtain), when there's a male person next to you. Annoyed.

There's one thing that also annoyed me. That person.. hhhhhhhhh

A Fair Affair?

2011-02-24T16:00:00.004-05:00

I was working
when he came through the door
he asked me
just how to spell "penniless"
is it with an "i" or a "y"

I never saw such pair of eyes
so scary that they pierce your soul
his silver-replaced lower jaw teeth
too terrifying to be truth

suddenly, I thought
that was perhaps the end of my chapter
maybe he's about to get a gun
that's hiding inside his brown baggy jacket
bang! one shot and The End.

Life can be so full of surprise
especially in the land of Uncle Sam
the land of the American Dream
the land of the Psychos

After a terrfying three minutes
I walked home, avoiding the muddy path
I liked the cluckle sound of my flats
they remind me of my high heels
that I once wore, at home
though I can't wear them here, in this land full of pressure,
I can still enjoy the saound of it
that's at least relieving, deliberating

even a woven hat in that car
looks like a lady
I swiped my card on the door, and get in
my shoulders have been carrying this backpack
four years, restless years
no wonder I was feeling like fainting the whole day
I checked but my thermometer said no fever
I am in my room
same old day, same old air
did my youth and happiness escape through the window?

T_T

2011-02-23T02:20:00.003-05:00

it's almost 2.30am and I still cannot fall asleep.. =(

I am so terribly sleepy that I have a terrible headache right now. But I cannot sleep because my heart is pounding. Pounding very hard and fast as if it is being chased by a dog, or a ghost, or an Organic Chem exam.

I have nothing due tomorrow. I am not worrying about anything specifically. I do not know what's wrong with me. R said probably I should drink some water, I did. It did not work so I thought I would just sit in the toilet, in case if I probably need to do some bowel movements. It did not help. I played Texas Hold 'Em in my bb, I got dizzy. But can't fall asleep. What's wrong with my heart?

Ghost

2011-02-22T12:12:00.003-05:00

Depression. It's not the word I would think of regularly or spontaneously. It's obviously not a term people want to define themselves as. But sometimes you are given no choice. I was given no choice.

It's been almost a month or so. I struggle with this feelings of incompetency and self-worthlessness, not to metnion self-esteem deprived. My head is like a ballon, filled with water, and is still being filled with water, though it cannot contain anymore. It's swollen. But it has not burst yet. It is about to burst. In fact, it just wants to burst and end the pain. But the water is going on and off-- driving the poor balloon crazy.

My head hurts, just as much as my heart does. I cannot even be in close contact to my loved ones. Otherwise I'd just hurt them. I'd find the way to irritate or make them gloomy. And I'd feel even more depressed by doing so.

I do not hate anyone. I just hate the position I am in right now. I cannot see the purpose of all these emotional, psychological, and mental tortures that I am entitled of. I need no encouragement from anyone, including you. I need no advice. And I write to relsease the kinks in my head, not to be judged by anyone, including you. So, I would really appreciate if you do not leave any "there's a light at the end of tunnel" comments. Or just dont leave a comment at all.

Give me some space

Aku

2011-02-19T10:25:00.003-05:00

Kemana kah harus ku cari
Arti dari setiap hembusan ini
Hatiku tak se suci namaku
Gairah ku, sembunyi dia di balik batu
Esok enggan tuk jadi elok
Noda ku, nista ku, tak pantas Kau tengok

Rasa ini, setengah berlari
Andai bisa sejenak berhenti
Yang ku tau aku butuh menepi

A. nervosa

2011-02-18T11:04:00.002-05:00

there is a small voice
it comes from a small corner of my heart
it whispers and makes a noise
just take it, life is hard

it says that I have no control over anything
yet I can decide to have one
when everything is trembling
I still have a power over my body, to be as what I want

I try to grab, but my fingers crimps
I kneel to pray, but God says "I cannot be reached"
when confidence, motivation, and courage have become just dreams
I guess I just need to vomit, and forget the word "eat"

Can't even cry

2011-02-14T16:05:00.004-05:00

the first time EVER in my life to FAIL an exam T_T

I was SHOCK (not to mention how sad I was and still am..)

My first Biochemistry exam turned out to be my first F. Gosh, I feel like I am such an incompetent scientist. Maybe I am.. ='(

Only One

2011-02-12T18:03:00.006-05:00

the one that I love
might not send flowers on valnetine's day
yet he always makes sure that I have enough
love and trust, so what else can I say?

the one that I care
sometimes takes forever to reply my text
but he'll never let anyone to even dare
to mess around with me or to ever vex

the one that I adore
often can be so forgetful
still I want him more and more
I am so in love and, ah, don't mind being a fool!

the one that I wanna give houndred hugs
has shared so many happiness and tears with me
and the answer will be "just because"
if you ask me "why it is him that my heart sees?"

the one that owns my heart
standing there, thousand miles apart
but his smile makes me at home
and his heart is totaly my own

the one that's you
I love you, and will always do!

<3

In achieving one's dream(s)

2011-02-10T12:13:00.005-05:00

it is not about whether you have the passion on it or not. But it's whether God wants you to do it, or not!

then passion, that He Himself would implant, will certainly grow in your heart.

and "don't be afraid. Just believe!"
~Mark 3:36

Kosong

2011-02-07T12:07:00.003-05:00

Dia yang ku cinta
tak sanggup tuk ku peluk, ku rengkuh
Dia dengan semua tulus cintaNya
haruskah rasa ini ku kubur, kubiarkan beku?

kalau sayang, itu tak perlu kau tanya
hati ini sepenuhnya milikMu, untukMu
namun gelisah yang ada
jauhkan aku dariMu, semu jiwaKu

tak layak tuk terima
walau hampir gila aku mencinta
walau Kau mau aku ada
kubertanya adakah aku layak, berharga?

esok rindu kujelang
esok rindu ku di dalam naungMu
esok, haruskah kau kukenang?
esok mungkin ku harus mampu tanpamu

aku abu-abu
harus menangis atau tertawa pun aku tak tau
aku yang layu
haruskah aku lalu?

yang ku damba Kau, ku butuh kasihMu
yang ku sayang kau, ku tak mau jadi dosamu

2 random thoughts

2011-02-06T18:21:00.001-05:00

1. my musical soul is in LOVE with Gamaliel's.. ahhhhhh.. his voice is so sexy and his fingers are just great on that curvy accoustic guitar.. goshhhh >.<

2. one (female) doesn't need to be sexually attractive to be confident. For one needs not to please anyone, in order to be confident. Be confident and simply do it for yourself! =) **for those whom I truly fond of**

have a blessed Feb peeps!

Misunderstanding.

2011-02-04T17:36:00.005-05:00

No one likes to be misunderstood, I bet. But sometimes, or often, misunderstanding is just unavoidable. Out of nowhere, I recalled this not-so-heartwarming event that happened between me and R. We fought, verbally, of course, and it was one of our worst fights we have ever had.

Whenever I am having my monthly tsunami attacking me, it's like a "Beware of Dog! KEEP OUT!" sign, seriously. I can be so emotionally engaged in EVERYTHING. I feel sad and not in mood. I can potentially feel down and/ or hopeless for no reason. Sometimes I feel like everyone is against me (weird eh? If you are a boy, just accept this as a fact and do not question it! lol). Often I would cry out of something that lightly annoys me and it could be whatever: from bad weather, inappropriate jokes, late appointment, schoolwork, homesick, to R's tardiness in responding my text, etc etc. Another fact about me during my monthly gift is that the closer I am to a person, the more easily that person can offend me (this is just PLAIN WEIRD! I do not even know how to explain this!). So yea, it was during one of those days. It was on the 2nd day (girls know what I'm talking about. If you are a boy, consult the nearest girl). And R was aware of the fact that, with the cram that I was struggling with, I could explode ANYTIME! The sun was up and smiling warmly to us. We, with couple other friends, were on the way to Purdue for a Permias yearly thing. I was all excited despite of my not-so-fit physical and emotional conditions. Things were going good. Until I read one of those messages, sent by one of his friends, in his cell.

WRITER DISCLAIMER: Unlike many other couples, R and I do not mind about reading each other's texts, emails, etc etc. In fact, we even share our passwords of many things. So, the fact that I was reading his message, was completely under his knowledge and permission.

continue..

So ya, the message from that little imp was not impressive at any level. I was not pleased at all with his half-joking but rather impolite comment. Perhaps I was under my estrogen control. But what I remember was that I was outraged. I hated him (at that time)! I dislike him for being disrespectful to someone whom I love so much, R. I felt disrespected too! It was in a group conversation, and that made it even worse! Though R did not take it seriously, I took it SERIOUSLY. R is a very laid back person. I am the complete opposite of him. And for me, whoever nags him, nags me as well! So I told R how uneasy his friend made me and R understood. Though the only word(s) he kept on saying was "Iya.. Iya.. Udah".

Many days had passed. I should not have held any grudge toward that imp (I do not want to mention a name or initial here). In fact, I do not hate him. We just probably won't ever be best friend. Fair enough rite? And I made a clear statement to R that he should never expect me to become a close friend of that particular friend of him. I do not have any hatred towards that imp anymore, don't get me wrong! I just don't think his personality and the way he communicates match mine. I told R, I can respect that imp as a favor and a form of my love toward R. So ya, as you could guess, I was not settled yet. Even after couple days of the incident, it still tickled my heart sometimes. That imp's words, not so much. R's words, VERY MUCH!

So yea, to make the long story short, I'll just go to the point. Well, I also do not have any intention to share too-personal moments of mine in so much detail here-- where everyone who has internet access can read it! We ended up with a big argument, with me crying (of course). He got me wrong. COMPLETELY wrong. He thought this and that and this and that. And I told him WHY I was holding back about that thing! It was not really about what his friend had said. What that imp had said really is the starter of our arguments. But what annoyed me and turned me into an annoying girl were his RESPONSES, my loved one's CARELESS responses! Screw that imp! I won't spend so much energy dwelling on his silly words. For goodness sake, it's not worth it! So I explained to R that I was so very uneasy all this time because HE DID NOT COMMENT AT ALL ABOUT IT. That the way he say "Iya..iya.. udah..", to me it means "Okay Angel, I got it. But I don't think my friend was wrong. You are just being too sensitive". That was what made me ANGRY!! I did not even know that R ended up talking to his friend about it. How would you suppose me to know that you understand my feelings and stand for me if you never said anything about it, TO ME? I figured out that he told his friend that he did not find his action pleasing at all. He stood for me. Unfortunately I had to figure it out while we were fighting =(

It had been a while since that incident and we never talked about it anymore. I never expected him to talk to his friend, I swear to God! I just wanted to hear what he thinks about it. I just wanted to hear him telling me that he understands how I feel, that he thinks what his friend has done was not right. THAT'S IT! Saying "Iya iya.. Udah" can be very misleading, can't it? I want to feel like he is someone who will protect me from whoever who hurts me, not the other way around. Before the fight, I really thought he was defending his friend and that thought irritated me. I also thought he just simply don;t care about my feelings and that hurt me A LOT! I did apologize to him though, for unconsciously putting him in a hard position and for being so angry at him that time. He also apologized me for not being open. We both realized that it takes TIME to understand our partner's personalities. Though it was not a pleasant memory, we both took lessons from it and we just simply knew each other better :)

The take home messages from this incident:
1. It takes time to understand a person in a very personal level
2. communication is a two-way street.
3. Understanding is the key to a healthy relationship
4. NEVER fight in front of others, even if they are your very close friends.
5. if someone does not love you in the way you want him/ her to, it does not mean he/she does not love you with all his heart.

I love you, Ray! =)

my complicated brain

2011-01-31T17:11:00.003-05:00

Just had a really really weird nightmare earlier today when I was taking my nap -_-"

So, I started with unsettled heart, which might have been the reason why I ended up hacing such strange dream. I was feeling so down, for some not so obvious reasons. I wanted to talk to R but he was already alseep. So I just cried with my pillow on top of my face. I wonder what was wrong with me. Maybe it is just one the symptoms a graduate-to-be often has. It could be me just having some hormone fluctuation, due to my mothly cycle, that causes emotional inconsistency and sesitivity. Only God knows!

Anyhow, the dream was strange and what makes it even more strange is that I still remember it. Clearly. In details. Which I usually don't.

So, I was in my sister's room, in our house in Surabaya. For some reasons I was alone and the atmosphere in her house was so sketchy. I was trying to sleep when this door was opened by itself (this door does not exists in the real room). It looks like s storage room connected to my sister's bedroom. So I went to close it. But before I did so, I saw a brown mouse, turtle, black parrot (I know! Black parrot! I haven't seen a real one. But I google it and it appears that black parrot does exist!), a multi colour parkeet, and a spirit of whatever it is. I was so scared but I managed to close the door. The door, though, has a big hole and my sister apparently put some boxes to block it. The animals tried to escape through another hole of that door, a smaller hole. They got scared everytime I stared at them, as if they could read my mind. I was so disturbed I decided to take a warm bath. I can't recall exactly what happened in the bathroom. I just remember it was real creepy too. Then I woke up.

I wonder if my dream has meanings. I am a dreamer. And I hardly pass a sleep (night or nap) without having a dream. In fact, I often had deja vu. I wonder what this one means. I hope it doesn't mean anything bad to me or my beloved ones. I'll just take it as the side effect of my emotional explosion. I am so hungry, ah.. Still have an hour and a half till dinner. I should just read my English reading while working, try not to think too much about the dream or concentrate on my hungry tummy. Hmmm, I miss home.

Singing:
"Ooo home.. let me go home.. home is wherever I'm with you.."

manquer

2011-01-30T21:07:00.003-05:00

Aku kangen my mommy cerewet, daddy tukang pijet, koko memble, gebot pendek, and billy narsis!!!!! Aku juga kangen R and J!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3

A Poem for Her

2011-01-27T20:57:00.003-05:00

Andai aku bisa membalas semua cinta Mama
Nyatanya tak kan cukup harta sedunia
Gendongan sayangmu, kecup mesramu
Entah dengan apa pantas kuhargai jiwa muliamu
Lelahmu itu, semua demi bahagiaku

Surga ditelapak kakimu, Ma
Anugerah Bapa yang tak ternilai dalam hidupku
Yang buatku tegar, kuat hadapi dunia
Adalah ceramahmu, ketegaranmu, dan kasihmu
Niatku kelak ku biasa bahagiakanmu
Genggam erat jemariku, kuberdoa, kiranya Tuhan kabulkan pintaku

Mungkin telah banyak ku buat kau terluka
Adakah mau kau terima maafku, Ma?
Mungkin tak kan pernah bisa kubalasbesarnya jasamu
Aku hanya bisa doakan mama tuk bahagia selalu:

Semoga Allah Bapa berkati mama
Usia yang panjang dan sejahtera buatnya
Sertai langkahnya setiap hari
Agar menjadi berkat dan selalu diberkati
Naungi dia dengan damai sejahtera
AnugerahMu tercurah atasnya, selamanya

Happy birthday, ma! =)

love you,
njl

*I miss..

2011-01-22T14:52:00.004-05:00

I am at Panera, Bethel, at the moment. Should have arrived here earlier but had to do an oil change before hand. I better get started doing my work. I have so much schoolwork to get done, mainly due to this terrible jetlag I am experiencing right now. But I cannot concentrate. Of course.. That's the reason why I am blogging instead of textbooking right now!

Faslube did the oil change pretty fast. I did some treatments to my care, change the oil, the wipers, the a, b, and c (don't remember what they're called. lol). After oil change, I met wih Om Leo in the parking lot of Sunrise to give him his oleh2 dari indo. Then I headed to Chipotle, Bethel to have my lunch. I passed Dierker Rd. My heart started to pund when I turned right. After making sure that no one is behind me, I slowed down my car. I took my time to look at my right side: Le Mans Apartments. There was where my love used to live, my very first destination everytime I made my long journey from Kenyon to Columbus every weekend, sometimes I cooked for him and his roommie, place where my buddies surprised me for my 22nd Birthday, where I share laughs and tears.. I cannot help myself but crying (Even now, while writing this blog, I am trying so hard to not shed some more tears). I cried. I miss him. I miss having him around during my stay in Columbus. I sopped at the traffic light and I saw Kroger: place where I first had a "memory" with him (kinda first met him there), where we went shopping late at night, we rented Red Box DVD and ended up not watching it (and even get late fees, duh!). My cheek felt even warmer, and wetter. I just wished he was next to me, making some funy faces, while holding my hand (yes, while I am driving!). I forced myself to quit from crying. I managed. Just before I reached Chipotle. Our favorite fast-food resto (or maybe, my fave). I got my all-time fave menu: burito bowl with extra rice, no beans, with pepper & onion, some steaks, salsa, medium, corns, NO avocado of course, and some lettuce. I picked a random seat. But I avoided that low seat in the corner. Our seats. I went to get some H2O, a fork, some napkins, and.. some lemons! I was about to cry again.. This time wasn't because of Ray. I miss that lady who eats chipotle with TONS of lemons. I miss her silly jokes, her laughs, our late night chats, our silliness, our friendship. Columbus is not the same without her. I miss J terribly (oh shoot I am crying again!!).

Too sad, I couldnt finish my bowl. Well, I'd just go to Panera, study. As usual, Panera is crowded. I was debating whether I wanted my "spot" or avoided it to prevent further tear explosion. Couple of old ladies made the decision for me-- they were sitting on those seats. So I went inside the meeting room and here I am typing. I miss R and J SO MUCH. Ahhhh, I dont think I can write any more without making my laptop wet. I just hope I can get whatever I need to get done today. God, have mercy on me!

..them*
angel

it's 2011

2011-01-19T19:25:00.005-05:00

I decided to skip 2 first days of my classes. Not much to lose, I guessed. Or even if I losed a little much, I just simply did not care.

Yesterday I arrived at CMH, wearing a pair of hot pants, a thin blouse, and a clearly-not-enough-for-winter hoody. I also arrived with no heart. For I have left my heart at my beloved ones' hands: 1/3 in Manado, 1/3 in Surabaya, and 1/3 in (as you may bet) Bandung. I knew the other passengers, who were all white people, were probably discussing about my "saltum" alias "Salah Kostum". Which was not really an accident. Neither did I do it on purpose. I just did not want to and could not think sanely on my last day in Indo. If Ko Andy's bro was not with me flying to Changi, I would have probably burst in tears.

Trying to be as wise as I can, I never stop reminding myself that this is going to be a fun semester! Though, schedule-wise it is probably not true. At least I always keep in mind that this might be my last 5 months being in the States, why not enjoy it to its bits? Yesterday, Tante Vera, one of the church members who picked me up at the airport, asked me how long I have been in Ohio. Gosh, I have been living in this land of "dead animals on roads" for nearly four years. Cannot believe this is my fourth year being an Ohio-an. Though I am not into Buckeyes as my other Indonesian fellas may, I still call ohio my second home. No matter how evil the snow storm trying to get your soul sometimes, I am still grateful I have the chance to come, learn, laugh, cry, smile, feel blue, be inspired, get discouraged, find true friends, find my love, undertsand the value of family, be angry, be crazy, be me in this land of America's Heart.

Starting my first day of classes with a letter of rejection from Loma Linda School of Dentistry was not the reason for me to smile. Yet, it is still a reason for me to be thankful. I thank God that I now have less options to be confused with =) I thank God for mom who's been checking on me multiple times since I arrived, and dad who-- as always-- checks every bit of my life as if I were 12 years old girl in a foreign country. haha.. I thank for my friends here and there. Life is good and full of blessings, only if I focus on seeking for its goodness and blessings. I relaized I had been complaining a lot in the past few months last year. So, this year is not gonna be a year of whatever-sounds-big-glorious-or-unreasonable. I simply want my 2011 to be a year of complaints free. Sounds too unreasonable? Let's say, 2011 is a year of complaints reduced to 90%.. Please pray for me to achieve that! =)

merci,
angel

continued from previous post

2010-12-11T18:09:00.005-05:00

..I am currently in the dinning hall. Not eating, exactly.. I am studying for my PhiChem final (this coming Monday 6.30-9.30pm). Though I occasionally nyomot-nyomot when I feel like chewing.

Usually, during finals week, I will gain about 5-10 pounds due to overeating. Stressing out with academic stuff, for some reasons, wakens up my appetite monster in my gut. It is different currently though. I have been losing my appetite since about two weeks ago. Academically I am fine, besides my senior thesis that needs to be retouched. Emotionally, I am a wreck!

I just feel so done. So done living in the USA, so done with school. Just as much as I am tired of my routinity, I am also grateful for a great blaessing to be able to go to a prestigous school like Kenyon college-- which nickname is "Princeton of the Mid West" (never knew it until a patient, at a dental practice where I did my shadowing couple months ago, mentioned it). I am trully thankful for this opportunity. Please, do not get me wrong..

One thing that I learned from Kenyon academia: 1. If you like a course (like, ehm, Organic Chemistry) and you study hard for it.. it is not guaranteed that you'll get a kick-ass grade on that subject, 2. If you do not like a course, can hardly pay attention during the lecture, and have to chew many bubblegums to stay awake (like, ehm, Physical Chemistry) BUT if you study hard, you can possibly get an am-I-dreaming good grade. weird eh?

Ray is leaving.. Tuesday the 14th and I won't be able to call him whenever I want to, text him just because I am bored to death, ask him to go online ASAP, cry in front of him while we're webcam-ing and, within an hour or so, he'll be right next to me, hugging me closely.. giving my chubby cheeks some soft kisses.. He's my source of comfort, I won't deny it. God is my ultimate source of peace of mind, that is indisputable. But I really take joy in having to experience God's love through a human being, esp. through my beloved boy. I know he's not going that far, for he will always be in my heart and so will I in his heart. I am just too spoiled. Too much love can sometimes be unhealthy you see. It rots you! Hhhhhh..

Dental schools. Another issue that gives me real headache. we'll talk about it some other time.. I want my dinner.

My Desember kelabu

2010-12-06T16:23:00.004-05:00

Let it snow let it snow let me cry..

It's been a week, or maybe even more than a week.. I have been crying. Everyday. Not 24/7, but literally everyday. Once or twice, if not three times a day. My eyes do not look like human eyes anymore. They look rather like panda eyes, dark and puffy.

I HATE the feeling of losing. My heart just cannot handle such sorrow of losing three beloved people in less than a month. Janet and Ariel had moved on, taking bigger steps and opening new pages of their books of life. I skyped with Janet yesterday. She looked happy and relaxed, which she really deserved. I miss her.. Ariel has finally met her gf of 3 years. Having not to see each other since they started dating must been very tough. I am trully happy to see him so content being home. Meeting the ones he loves much. Ray, my source of comfort in cold Ohio and stressful Kenyon academia, is about to leave me alone. Leave me behind with another four-month full of not-so-fun school work and all the hassle of my last semester on this Hill. I wished he could be here for my last Philander Phling this coming Phebruary. I wished he would be here, celebrating with me his 23rd birthday. I wished he could be here for my graduation. But at least there's something to be lookinf forward for: Ray is visiting me at home this coming January. Finally he'll get the chance to meet with my family, am so excited! =)

Perhaps, God want me to learn. Or rather it's a reminder, that I should not stay in my comfort zone all the time. That I should learn to care about and dare to know others, others outside my "group".

to be continued..

one Friday afternoon..

2010-11-12T16:17:00.004-05:00

Angel Mogie meeting her advisor, Dr. Hicks, regarding her senior comps:
Dr. Hicks: "you know stressing out won't help, right?"
me: "yes.."
Dr. Hicks: "As your advisor, I ask you to have enough sleep this weekend. Promise me you are going to do that?
"me: "errrr.. I am not sure about that.."
Dr. Hicks: "Well, promise me you will eat, get enough food?"
me: "Oh yea! I can definitely do that!"

lesson learned: the more the schoolwork, the more the chance I am going to burst from over eating!

One of my favorite fruits

2010-11-12T08:53:00.002-05:00

The health benefits of grapes include its ablity to treat constipation, indigestion, fatigue, kidney disorders, macular degeneration and prevention of cataract. Grapes, one of the most delicious fruits, are rich sources of vitamins A, C, B6 and folate in addition to essential minerals like potassium, calcium, iron, phosphorus, magnesium and selenium. Grapes contain flavonoids that are very powerful antioxidants, which can reduce the damage caused by free radicals and slacken ageing.

Grapes, owing to their high nutrient content, play an important role in ensuring a healthy and robust life.

Benefits: Some of the health benefits of grapes include the following:

Asthma: Due to its eminent therapeutic value, grapes can be used for cure of asthma. In addition to it, the assimilatory power of grapes is also higher. It increases the moisture present in lungs.

Heart diseases: Grapes increase the nitric oxide levels in the blood, which prevents blood clots thereby reducing the chances of heart attacks. In addition the antioxidant present in grapes prevents the oxidation of LDL cholesterol, which blocks the blood vessels.

Migraine: Ripe grape juice is an important home remedy for curing migraine. It should be taken early in the morning, without mixing additional water.

Constipation: Grapes are very effective in overcoming constipation. They are considered as a laxative food, as they contain organic acid, sugar and cellulose. They also relieve chronic constipation by toning up intestine and stomach.

Indigestion: Grapes play an important role in dyspepsia. They relieve heat and cure indigestion and irritation of the stomach. They are also preferred as they constitute a light food.

Fatigue: Light and white grape juice replenishes the iron content present in the body and prevents fatigue. Though, the dark grape juice might not give an iron boost and on the other hand, decrease the iron levels. Drinking grape juice also provides you with instant energy. The anti-oxidants present in grapes also provide the needed boost to your immune system.

Kidney disorders: Grapes can substantially reduce the acidity of the uric acid and helps in the elimination of the acid from the system, thereby reducing the work pressure of kidneys.

Breast cancer: Through a latest study, it has been discovered that purple colored Concord grape juice helps in preventing breast cancer. Significant reduction in mammary tumor mass of laboratory rats was seen after they were fed the grape juice on the experimental basis.

Alzheimer’s disease: Resveratrol, a beneficial polyphenol present in grapes reduces the levels of amyloidal-beta peptides in patients with Alzheimer's disease. Studies suggest that grapes can enhance brain health and stall the onset of neurodegenerative diseases.

Macular degeneration: Grapes can prevent the age related loss of vision or macular degeneration. Three servings of grapes a day can reduce the risks of macular degeneration by over 36 %.

Prevents cataract: Flavonoids present in grapes have antioxidants, which can reduce and fight the damage caused by free radicals such as cataract apart from cardiovascular diseases, cancer, and age related problems.

Blood cholesterol: Grapes contain a compound called pterostilbene, which has the capacity to bring down cholesterol level. Saponins present in grape skin can also prevent the absorption of cholesterol by binding with it.

Antibacterial activity: Red grapes have strong antibacterial and antiviral properties and can protect you from infections. They have a strong antiviral property against poliovirus and herpes simplex virus.

Anticancer properties: Grapes are found to have strong anti cancer properties due to the anti-inflammatory effect of resveratrol present in grapes. It is particularly effective in colorectal cancer and breast cancer. Anthocyanins and proanthocyanidins present in grapes have properties of an anti-proliferate and can inhibit the growth of cancer causing agents. Grape juice not just prevents the risk of cancer but also suppresses the growth and propagation of cancer cells. The pigments contained in grapes enhance the overall immunity of the body.

Thus, grapes play a pivotal role in preventing innumerable health disorders and can be used as home based remedies for several ailments. Dried grapes, known as raisins, are extremely nutritious and help in many disorders including constipation, acidosis, anemia, fever, sexual weakness and help in gaining weight and eye care.

aku

2010-11-09T18:01:00.003-05:00

lelah
dari dalam sampai luar juga, penat
entah kenapa terus gundah
ingin ku percaya namun terasa berat

kalau Kau utus aku tuk mulai semua
bukan kah harusnya berakhir bahagia?
kusadar, tak pernah Kau janji tiada badai
namun Kau pasti ada, aku tak kan lunglai

terpaku
kadang ku coba dekati jiwa senduku
menangis di tengah-tengah berkat
bertanya adakah insanku kuat

dia yang kucinta juga
sebentar lagi kan pergi ke sana
cintanya yang membara
akankah meguap bagai embun senja yang tak pernah ada?

aku yang sendiri, aku yang ratapi diri
aku yang diberkati, aku yang lelah dan sedih
aku yang kering, aku yang hendak berpaling
aku yang menanti, adakah jawaban dari risalah hati

mohon jangan kau dekati
aku cuma butuh sendiri

snob

2010-11-06T12:52:00.003-04:00

We had an argument yesterday. It hurt quite so much. And the worse part of it, we had the argument at someone's house. Not that we yelled at each other in front of other people though. But, I am pretty sure our angry voices were loud enough to be heared by those peeps in the common room playing Street Fighters. Luckily, there weren't that many people and those pals of ours were not the "bibir ember" or "kepo" ones.

Both of us were upset. I never heared him that angry. Well, probably I had, once. But it's been a while ago. Yet he hardly ever raised his voice like that when we argued, at least never in front of me. Most of our "bad" arguments happened through phone. And we've usually calmed down when we met each other. But last night was just, ugh.. I am still iritated, I cannot lie. I know I am not supposed to, but I am still holding grudge towards "si dekil", the ultimate source and cause of our dispute.

I am leading the praise and worship at church this coming Sunday. Having to be so angry like this, make me feel terrible and guilty. I am not supposed to serve the Lord in such condition. I beg for your forgiveness, Lord Jesus :'(

Early birthday gift?

2010-11-02T17:37:00.004-04:00

It's November already.. November the 2nd, 28 days before I turn 22. Scarrryyyy.. I am so old!! :P

By the way, yesterday I was shocked. I found tons of red dots all over my body. And the worst art of it, it is terribly ITCHY! Affraid that I might have picked some chicken pox virus in Purdue last weekend, I decided to see the doctor at Kenyon Health Center earlier this morning. They couldn't tell if this is a kind or rash or some kind of alergies or the mighty chicken pox thus they took a sample of "me" and sent it to the lab. I should know within 2-3 days. Just FYI, they poked my red dots for sampling and it wasn't fun at all! -_-"

Hopefully it's not chicken pox. Praying..

a reminder for myself to be grateful =)

2010-10-25T18:54:00.003-04:00

one day you are broken -hearted.
another day, you are madly in love.

that's what makes life interesting. full of stories, memories, tears, and smiles.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, for this life of mine, is a life full of blessings =)

the microscopic wonders

2010-10-22T13:04:00.002-04:00

really cool article, check it out!

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/greenpicks/292/rare-images-beyond-the-naked-eye.html

Aching

2010-10-21T11:58:00.002-04:00

sometimes when it hurts
I truly wished you knew
about all the tears that burst
all because I madly love you

why do good things come to an end?
or should I ask why I dare to play the game?
love is not something you should pretend
and to love me, I hope it's not a shame

has it changed?
those sweet words, why?
so warm they sound, so perfect they seemed
but it feels dry, indeed so dry

you said..
"I would do it all over again"
"I wouldn't hesitate for a second"
"I woulnd't trade one minute.."
..with me?

even to question is hard
for my heart doesn't know what to ask
"am I the still one?"
or in angusih I should wishper "am I not the only one?"

if only I could take back all that memories
I would go back right to those times
but what can I do when your heart has started to cease?
probably I should be prepared for some sweet good-byes

you may say nothing is wrong
but my heart can tell something is not going right
I might not be that strong
but I am ready to be alone, if that's what's right

as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4?

2010-10-20T15:57:00.002-04:00

I have never been this terrified this semester!

1st: so scared about my 1st Phi Chem exam. I really really think I did badly on this one. I just need to pass that class, please God..

2nd: senior exercie was not great. I wonder if Prof. Hicks will be "happy" enough with watever I wrote. *crossing my fingers*

3rd: has it changed? I am afraid that I am losing it.. I would rather withdraw myself from the arena than to be broken to pieces.

4th: I need some peace of mind.

2010-10-16T21:17:00.001-04:00

feels like giving up..

oh Lord, have mercy on me.

academically offended!!

2010-10-16T10:49:00.003-04:00

Being the only female in a lab full of males is not as comfortable as I thought it would be- especially when the lab is full of boys who think they know everything and you know nothing!

The lab where I am working consists of six people, with me being the only girl (even the supervisor is a male prof.)

Now I understand if other lab members often refer to my lab as the "fraternity of chem dept. lab". Because they are indeed acting like one! Well, not all of them are acting like d*****b**s. But you can definitly feels the atmosphere of rudeness and excessive self-pride once you joined them (again, not all of them. Some of them are "forced" to have the same/ similar attitude just because..). The prof is nice though, I like him a lot. But one of them is just wracking my nerves right now! I am just praying that I can control my self until the end of this semester. I am def leaving this lab when this semester ends.

God forgive me for being this angry

forget me not

2010-10-15T19:01:00.003-04:00

sedih..

things and people change.
I just did not expect that you will change too.
Truth be told, it's beyond my anticipation.
Probably you just need some space.

here we go, some wishful thinking..

11 October 2010

2010-10-11T18:36:00.000-04:00

Happy 1st Anniversary for us!

whatcha gonna do with all that a, all that a inside your jeans?

2010-10-10T13:42:00.006-04:00

Two posts in a day? YES! Because I am pretty stressed out with my senior thesis. I need to "procrastinate" a little bit to calm down. lol

Anyhow, I used to complain about my not-so-propotional figure due to my not-so-small (read: big) bottoms (read: A** or BUTT). Additionally, having a tiny waist clearly doesn't help at all in making my body looks anything near propotional. I have a rather-big pair of bottoms in comparison to my rather petite figure. My dad once said, "You should not complain [about my a**], they're your assets!" lol. As I grow up, I realized that my dad was right-- they're my precious assets indeed (even R seconded this motion.lol)! Though it doens't make any easier for me when it comes to buying pants (you can imagine how hard it is to buy a pair of jeans when you have a small waist yet big a**. And I hate alterations!). Below is what makes me even more grateful for "the assets" that God's given to me *I also learn how to be grateful*:

Bokong Besar Pertanda Jantung Sehat

VIVAnews - Memiliki bokong besar bukan sekadar menampilkan kesan seksi. Studi terbaru mengungkap, timbunan lemak di bagian bokong dan paha dapat meningkatkan harapan hidup pemiliknya.

Berdasar studi yang dilakukan sejumlah pakar kesehatan dari Mayo Clinic, di Rochester, Minnesota, lemak yang terakumulasi di bokong dan pangkal kaki bagian atas justru mengurangi risiko penyakit jantung, stroke, dan diabetes. Tidak seperti lemak di perut yang meningkatkan risiko tiga penyakit tersebut.

Tim peneliti yang dipimpin Dr Michael Jensen melibatkan 28 pria dan wanita sebagai partisipan. Selama delapan minggu, mereka memberi perlakuan dan pola makan yang sama terhadap seluruh partisipan. Mereka ingin melihat pertumbuhan lemak di tubuh para partisipan.

Mayoritas partisipan memiliki lemak sekitar 2,45 kg di bagian tubuh atas seperti perut dan dada. Sementara di bagian tubuh bawah seperti bokong, pinggul, dan paha sekitar 1,5 kg. Pengukuran ini dilakukan sebelum dan setelah 'masa karantina'.

Dalam penelitian terungkap, ada perbedaan sel-sel lemak yang melilit bagian tubuh atas dan bawah. Sel-sel lemak di bagian tubuh bawah mengandung agen anti-inflamasi alami yang dapat menghentikan penyumbatan arteri.

Seperti dikutip dari Daily Mail, Jensen mengatakan, temuan ini menantangnya untuk mencari cara meningkatkan produksi lemak di bagian tubuh bagian bawah tanpa menambah timbunan lemak di bagian tubuh bagian atas. "Ini penting untuk membentuk perlindungan tubuh dan membantu mencegah penyakit."

Temuan yang dipublikasikan pada Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences mungkin bisa menjelaskan manfaat memiliki tubuh berbentuk buah pir. (pet)

dikutip dari: Yahoo! News

that other side of me

2010-10-10T10:14:00.003-04:00

So much work, so little time. Actually, the time was not that little. I was lack of motivation-- did almost nothing on Friday. Geez..

Anyhow, it's now less than 24 hrs. I am pretty nervous about it. Nervous that I am expecting too much and will just disappoint myself. For sure, I want to renew it. I am tired of a fake X. I am not sincere that the evil side of my being (so-called) is indulging this X, having so-called sinful fun with Y. I want to be free. I want to be the ordinary girl (yet extraordinary in HIM) that I used to be.

Often I feel that the dry side of my heart is expanding. But I can barely tell what I thirst for. I need you Lord, that's for sure.

2010-10-01T18:12:00.003-04:00

should I apply? should I not?

It's October the 1st already. I am already in a lot of disadvantages to apply this late. But should I just apply anyway? God I need a clue.

Is going to dental school in US my fate?

help me know You are near

2010-09-30T15:55:00.005-04:00

I want to pray.

But I do not know what to say.

I know that God understand word-less prayers.

But even my heart contains nothing, will He still understand?

I am not here to complain.

I just feel like losing it..

Losing it to something I do not even know.. what

not much

2010-09-28T18:38:00.002-04:00

I feel like the world is against me today!

I am in my lab now, supposedly be doing some rotavapouring, but still can barely hold my tears. I have to be tough on life otherwise he'll be tough on me! But I can't..

I really shouldn't blame it on the weather.

Going to make the most of it!!

2010-09-27T17:57:00.003-04:00

plane tickets to home is so expensivooooo!!! $1826, and it's from CMH to Singapore only.. Well, at least the flight route is very good: CMH-TX-SIN, only transit once- isn't that awesome??!!! :D

I think I am taking extra days of winter break then. lol. Regardless of the price, I am so excited and CANNOT wait to go home!!!

can't stop thinking about Manadonese food. hahahaha ^.^

Projects

2010-09-26T23:16:00.003-04:00

1. Scrapbook for our anniversary (check)
2. Graduation pic and plaque for him (check)
3. Flower bouqet for M (not check yet)
4. Card for his graduation (not check yet)
5. B'day card for M (not check yet)
6. Graduation gift for J (not check yet)
7. Graduation card for J (check)
etc

I am so behind.. so behind..
these are supposed to be fun non-academic projects. Yet now they're driving me kwayzeee.. >.<

But for my loved ones, apa sih yg ga gua kerjain..
it is worth the world to see them happy! =)

Beware: Misleading ingredient names explained

2010-09-23T23:19:00.000-04:00

My general rule is to buy foods that list ingredients I can pronounce, but there are at least two things I additionally watch out for: ingredients that sound healthy but aren’t (I try to avoid those) and obscure ingredients that sound scary but are basically harmless.
The latest ingredient to request a “healthier-sounding” name change? High-fructose corn syrup. This week, the Corn Refiners Association, which represents firms who make the product, petitioned the FDA to change the ingredient’s name to “corn sugar.” The group has many reasons for wanting the change, including changing public perception of this controversial ingredient. But two respected nutrition watchdogs, EatingWell advisory board member Marion Nestle, a nutrition professor at New York University, and Michael Jacobsen, director of a Washington, D.C.-based nutrition and health advocacy group, Center for the Science in the Public Interest, told the New York Times that the new term “corn sugar” is a more accurate description for high-fructose corn syrup, which is a mixture of glucose and fructose.

I talked to EatingWell’s nutrition editor, Brierley Wright, M.S., R.D., about HFCS and 4 more ingredients that sound healthier than they are, plus 4 obscure-sounding ingredients that are basically harmless. (Note: This is not a complete list, just some highlights to pay attention to.) Here’s her advice on how to decode them:

Related: Is High-Fructose Corn Syrup Worse for You Than Sugar? Find Out Here.
Related: Yogurt & More: 6 healthy-sounding foods that really aren’t

WATCH OUT: INGREDIENTS THAT ARE SCARIER THAN THEY SOUND

1. Fruit Juice Concentrates

What it is: An alias for added sugars, which supply calories but little to no nutritional value. This also applies to: corn sweetener or syrup, high-fructose corn syrup, honey, agave, invert sugar, malt sugar, molasses, syrup and sugar molecules ending in “ose” (dextrose, fructose, glucose, lactose, maltose, sucrose).
Why you should watch out: Because high intakes of added sugars are linked with increased risks for high blood pressure and high triglyceride levels, risk factors for heart disease, The American Heart Association recommends limiting added sugars, advising that women eat no more than 100 calories per day from added sugars, or about 6 teaspoons, and men should stick to less than 150 calories, approximately 9 teaspoons. (A 12-ounce can of cola has about 8 teaspoons.) Added sugars in processed foods are difficult to track. "Sugars" on Nutrition Facts panels include added sugars and natural sugars found in healthful foods (fructose in fruits, lactose in dairy). In general, the closer added sugars are to the top of the list, the more the food contains.
2. Soybean Oil

What it is: A plant-derived oil
Why you should watch out: Soybean oil, along with corn oil, cottonseed oil, safflower oil and sunflower oil, is high in omega-6 fats, which compete in your body with healthy omega-3 fats (the kind that benefit your heart and brain). Many nutrition experts say that Americans get too many omega-6 fats in their diets, mostly from processed foods. Joe Hibbeln, M.D., a captain in the United States Public Health Service takes it a step further and blames alcoholism, depression and a host of other illnesses on the excess of omega-6 fats in our diet. In fact, it’s quite difficult to find commercial salad dressings, mayonnaise, even crackers, breads, pasta sauces and granola bars, among other products, that don’t include oils with high levels of omega-6 fats.

Click here for our recommendations for some of the healthiest packaged salad dressings, mayonnaise, crackers, pasta sauces and granola bars.
3. Palm Oil

What it is: Oils derived from the fruits of palm trees.
Why you should watch out: Now that the heart-damaging effects of trans fats (hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated oils) are widely known, many food manufacturers are replacing them with palm oil. EatingWell’s Dietitian and Nutrition Advisor Sylvia Geiger, M.S., R.D. reports that while palm oil is trans-fat-free, about half of its fat is saturated, adding about 1.5 grams sat fat to each 2-tablespoon serving. Have we traded one “bad fat” for another? Could be. While you may have heard that palm oil has less of a cholesterol-raising effect than other tropical oils, the research isn’t conclusive. Your best bet is to choose natural products that contain neither added palm oil nor trans fats. (Note: Products labeled “0 trans fats” can still contain up to half a gram of trans fat per serving. You can assume that “trans-free” products still contain a small amount of trans fat if partially hydrogenated oil is listed as an ingredient.) In addition, recent research shows that palmitic acid, a saturated fat found in palm oil (and beef, butter and cheese) caused mice to become resistant to the appetite-suppressing hormones leptin and insulin, which in theory could make them eat more.
4. Wheat Flour

What it is: Refined wheat flour, also a synonym for white or all-purpose flour.
Why you should watch out: Wheat flour is different from “whole-wheat flour.” Wheat/white flour contains barely any fiber, vitamins or minerals, the building blocks of healthy food. So you’re missing out on all the benefits of whole grains. One slice of white bread has 65 percent less fiber, magnesium and potassium than whole-wheat bread. The bran alone in whole-wheat bread gives it 20 times more antioxidant power. A diet high in whole grains, on the other hand, is associated with a lower risk of heart disease, less weight gain, fewer cases of type 2 diabetes and reduced risk of colon cancer and metabolic syndrome. People who eat more whole grains also tend to have lower bad (LDL) cholesterol and higher good (HDL) cholesterol, all good reasons to opt for a chewier loaf and more foods made with whole grains.
Related: 3 Ways to Find the Healthiest Supermarket Breads

CHILL-OUT: SCARY-SOUNDING INGREDIENTS THAT ARE BASICALLY OK

1. Inulin

What it is: Not to be confused with insulin, a hormone that regulates energy and glucose metabolism in the body, inulin is a soluble fiber found naturally
in bananas, onions and some plants.
What it does: It is added to processed foods to replace sugar, fat and flour. Bonus: It can help increase calcium absorption and can help promote the growth of beneficial bacteria added to yogurt.
2. Ascorbic Acid

What it is: This is a pseudonym for vitamin C, a water-soluble vitamin perhaps best known for its role in boosting our immune system, it also helps the body absorb iron from plants we eat, acts as a protective antioxidant and has been linked with younger-looking skin.
What it does: It is added to products to prevent discoloration; in bread-machine yeast it acts as a dough conditioner to promote volume.
3. Xanthan Gum

What it is: You’ll see this powdery substance, fermented from glucose, in a lot of products— from salad dressings to ice creams.
What it does: It thickens salad dressings and maintains the smooth consistency of ice creams. Bonus: Increasing the viscosity of lower-fat dressings gives them the richer “mouthfeel” associated with full-fat versions—making it a little easier to reach for the healthier choices.
4. Maltodextrin

What it is: This ingredient, along with vegetable gum and methylcellulose, is one of the starches or fibers derived from natural plants (including bushes, trees, seaweed) and bacteria.
What it does: You’ll find maltodextrin, or its pals, in nearly every processed food, including veggie burgers, in which they act as a binder and stabilizer to hold everything together in a neat, firm patty.

What ingredients do you wonder about?

By. Michelle Edelbaum

Lesson of the day

2010-09-20T17:00:00.002-04:00

How can people be so rude?

Two people being carelesly rude to me within the same hour. I could hold back grudge. It wouldn't do me anything but turn myself down. So instead, I decided just to let it out (read: write here) and not to dwell in it for the rest of the day.

One thing that I learned: Be careful with whatever you say and/ or do to others. Think before you speak, because you never know how badly a discouraging word could affect someone. Whatever is going on in your life cannot be taken as an excuse for you to be rude to the person next to you. Don't be a stumble stone. Be a blessing instead!

God, please give me a heart to learn from and take the good side of whatever uncomfortable situation I am in. Also, I pray that I can be more careful with the words that come out from my mouth as well as actions done by me. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

a little surprise

2010-09-18T16:07:00.003-04:00

I am so exhausted today.. Do not know why..

Btw, I got to see yet send away my boo yesterday. I was happy indeed to see him after over 2 weeks not being able to see, feel, hug, tease, etc him ^^ I felt like I did not hug him enoguh-- he had to go to CA and leave me again that soon! But good that my friends were with us and together we sent him to the airport. Otherwise I would have been terribly sad I bet. Now I am missing him already.. =(

I did not get to meet again with his family. Though I wrote a card for his family and leave it on his desk. When I met him, the only thing I wanted to do was to hug him super duper tighlty!! I came to his house, I huged him, he went to his room, came back with a bag.

At the begining I thought it was his sister's bag, for the ribbon knotted to one of the bag's straps looks pretty similar to hers. Then he handed it to me and said, "here's a bag from my mom and I", smiling. And me smiling too.. =)

selidik-punya selidik.. It was actually form his mom (only). Not from him. Which is not surprising. hahaha.. Katanya waktu jalan2 di outlet di NYC, mamanya sama cc adenya masuk Coach. While dia yg udah bosen, nunggu di luar (biasa lah, cowo). Then when they came out his mom gave the bag to himn and said, "Nih mama beliin buat Angel". Sudah saya duga.. My boy hasn't changed that much lah from his mighty cuekness trademark! lol. Yet I am soooooo happy!!! Happy that his mom bought me something from their trip ^.^. The bag is very nice and I like it. But what pleases me the most is the fact that his MOM bought it for me. I am a little flattered, you know! lol.

According to J, "it's a good sign loh Njel that his mom bought something for you. Apalagi si Ray anak cowo semata wayang maminya..". So ya, I am more than just 'a little' flattered I guess..

Thank you tante buat Coach tote bag nya.. it's really nice and it's a very kind of you =)

Miss you

2010-09-13T16:56:00.003-04:00

I have countless moments with you
Many laughs and tears we shared
And I hope that we will make it through
Loving each other, faithfully, to death

Maybe we are too young to speak in the name of true love
But why do I see so clearly that my future is you?
Sharing my life with you, I pray to the One above
To grow old with you would be a sweet dream-come-true

Nothing I promise for now
But all my heart, passion, and affection
Yet I just cannot think of how
How I can live a second of my life without you, my perfection

If you ever have to stop holding my hand
Please keep your memory of me in a little piece of your heart
As for our castle in my heart, made of sand
Will dust away, yet covering all part

I miss you terribly.. =(

Maryland, June 9, 2010
..and right now

Curhat

2010-09-09T21:19:00.003-04:00

Motivation, where art thou?

Senior thesis is in the house! Three "potential" research papers (those that I will be working on for my analysis) are due tomorrow and guess how many I have found? ZERO!

Am I busy? Yes. But I did have time to do my online research finding three informatif and interesting science journals. Too bad my motivation is on vacation- gone with the wind! Here we go now I am writing rather not-so-important issues on my blogger. jah..

Well, in about a month Ray and I are going to celebrate our 1st anniversary. I am so excited. I like celebrations, always cherish special moments. Currently I am making an album/ scrapbook to my other-half (as janet always refer to him). I already planned it since long time ago (see how I like special occasion!). But I changed my mind! And this one is even better!!

So, instead of dealing with the hasle fighting with glue, scicors, and their friends, I am working on it with Shutterfly! It is hasle-free and looks nicer overall!

Though my excitement had to stop for a bit last night. I was talking to R about how excited I am about our upcoming anniversary and he just said "it's just an anniversary.. bla bla bla..". I was so down that I cried =( I mean, how could one say such thing to ones gf? After her putting so much effort on the scrapbook she's making despite the schoolworks she has??

I was indeed irritated and disappointed. But then I learnt 2 things:
1. If a person doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you with all his heart.
R is just a boy. And his "cuek-ness" is kinda his trademark. Sometimes he says things without even thinking about it. Love is not about changing, but rather understanding and acceptance.
2. Love is more about giving, and not focusing on receiving (affection, respect, or materials). If I want to do something because of love, I then should do it because of love regardless the respons of others (including him).

shoot it;s 9:37pm already! Gotta force myself to do what I'm supposed to be doing! aaarrrggggghhhhh >.<

blah blah blah on wed evening

2010-09-01T22:13:00.004-04:00

It's a quarter after ten, I am a little bored and I miss you now..

My boo is out and about, with his family. I am trully happy to see him having a great time with the ones he dears high and so glad I had the chance to hang out with his family even just for a while. He doesn't have so much time to contact me lately (which I do understand) and I miss him.. He'll be away for 3 weeks =(

and I have to deal with senior thesis. and phi chem. and dental school applications. concentrate!

trying to be selfless

2010-08-22T20:58:00.004-04:00

My petit ami is graduating soon. I am happy for and proud of him, indeed. Yet at the same time I am kind of nervous, scared that he won't find a job here in the states and will have to go back to Indo-- read: leaving me alone, not cool.. :( If truth be told, I WANT him to get a job and stay in the states at least until I am done with my Undergrad degree. But I can't be selfish, can I? I really should pray for whatever best for him, instead of whatever is the most comfortable for me.

On the other hand. I am struggling a lot with my dental school apps. I am so hugely in doubt now, whether I still want to continue my education here in the states or go to a school somewhere near home, like Singapore. At the moment, I am emotionally and mentally more driven for the later option. I WANT to go to school not so far from home (read: reachable within one DIRECT flight!). But I can't be selfish, can I? For I am not mine no more, I am praying for whatever is best according to God's will and plan. Praying that I do not lose courage..

it's ilang for good this time

2010-08-16T13:51:00.000-04:00

handphone ilang... :'(

lazy Tuesday nite

2010-08-03T22:34:00.004-04:00

So, at the begining it was me asking my bff a favor **digging her rubbsih bin to find my shopping recipt** what a good friend I am! LOL

Angel Mogie 02 August at 23:29
Paleeennn..

Mo minta tolonggg... huhuhuhu. Kita p struk AEROPOSTALE ta da dapa buang pa nn p trash can sto noh. Kalo nt nda mind tolong lia akang dang kalo masi ada.. tu struk stand out skali.. ada garis merah muda basar (tanda so musti ganti rol struk baru dang). Mar kalo nt p tampa sampah so ta tambah barang2 laen.. nda usah jo.. I don't wanna make u dig on the rubbish..hehehehe. Cm kalo dapa2lia, tolong punggu akang.. sama dng pengemis kita jo kang..wkwkwkw.. Sori skaliiiiii.. dont mean to make u go through your trash can >.< cm kalo dapa2lia jo (and kalo nda kotor), minta tolong simpan akang.. again,soriiiiii...

btw, lupa bilang kyapa.. hahaha. one of the jeans yg qt bli kwa longgar.. tiap 10 langkah musti tarek2 ka atas. pas coba nda dapa rasa dp longgar.. ternyata pake bajalang br dapa rasa. jadi atik da mo rencana exchange di outlet d ohio. bgtyu.. merci!!

Alen Polii 03 August at 17:43
mojay, nn yakin da buang di tampa sampa? soalnya qt da udek2 nda ada no.. masih sto kwa di depe tas, oto, ato dompet? ato popoji calana nn da pake tuhari nda? co cari ulang..
di sini ada depe tag 24.50 Very Be XS/TP.. mar bukang struk dng nda ada garis merah muda besar...

Angel Mogie 03 August at 20:58
aduuuh ksiang.. kyapa so sampe aduk2 t4 sampah dang nn?? soriiiiiiii soriiiiiiiiiiiii >.< nda bermaksud ksiang.. qt p mksd kalo ada kong dapa2 lia, tolong punggu kong simpan akang. mar kalo nda, biar jo npp.. soriiiiii skli so sampe bekeng nn aduk2 trash can =(

biar jo val npp. maybe so ta taruh d mana sto ta so nentau ley. nanti kalo pulang indo dec qt mo fermak jo.. btw THANK YOU BERRY BERRY MUCH NEEEEE.. kasiang, ta da bekeng org pe anak udek2 tampa sampa -_-

Then we started talking about my plan on this coming Saturday.. About Ray coming and staying overnight and then jalan-jalan ke aquarium

Alen Polii 03 August at 21:08
Ya elah cuma itu le, hehehe biasa jo. Qt pe sampa le kering.. Btw soal aquarium nnti qt tanya pa arya dulu ne. Jam brp rencana mo cabut dari aquarium?
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Angel Mogie 03 August at 21:10
torang sih rencana pagi2 so di akuarium.. mo usahakan by 9am, latest 10am. soale pengen secepatnya cabut bale OH si ray. kita sih mo nginep satu malam le di MD boleh mo manjo.. kwkwwkkw.. eh, agustus 14 so maso skola blm?? main2 ke ohio yukkkksss.. skalian ada food bazaar ^^

Alen Polii 03 August at 21:12
Mksdnya sabtu ke aquarium to. Nn mau nginep di md mlm apa?
Hehehe nn kirim pa qt tu food bazaar cuma bkng ngiler jo!
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Angel Mogie 03 August at 21:14
jumat mlm.. makanyaaaaaaaaaaa.. road trip k columbus jo, dng arya.. yuks yuks yuksssss ^^

Then for some reasons Val got confused

Alen Polii 03 August at 21:15
He? Mksdnya jumat mlm ka md, kong sabtu aquarium di baltimore? Bola bale dang nt??
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Angel Mogie 03 August at 21:44
kan ray sampe jumat sore.. malam stay d sini. sabtu pagi br k aquarium, then sore2 so cabs k Ohio. gityuu.. hhehehe

Then she got even more confused..

Alen Polii 03 August at 21:55
Nn bilang mau nginep sabtu mlm di md itu sabtu mlm dang? Mar nmbole lntrn somo bale, bgtu? Haha dodol qt ehhh
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and I was so confused that she got confused.. wew

Angel Mogie 03 August at 22:10
eehh?? *bingo* wkwkwkwk.. bakudapa di ketemu tong pe bcrt ini.. rupa kucing cari tangka ekor sandiri, taputar2.. wkwkwkwkwkw

ray sampe jumat sore.. nginep d sini jumat malam. sabtu pagi k aquarium, sabtu sore cabs k cols..

Now she got it... hahaha

Alen Polii 03 August at 22:15
hahahahhahahahha kita so MANGARTI skrang!
qt pe kira pas nn da bilang MD di -->kita sih mo nginep satu malam le di MD boleh mo manjo -- msdknya mo nginep sini di Frederick. Baltimore le kan masih MD wakakaka
msdnya nn klo mo nginep satu mlm tu sabtu le npp, mar ray tu mau bale sabtu kang..

hahaha sampe panjang bagini do tu thread

I thought it's so funny it worth posting this thread on my blog.LOLs

Angel Mogie 03 August at 22:18
yoeeeeeeeeeeehhh.. wkwkwkwk.. ta mo copy paste di blog ahhhh.. lucuuu re'en yahhh kikikikikikik :P

Val complained, that me publishing this thread is merusak her nama baik.. hahaha. I updated my fb status to --just read someone's blog and wonders "what's so cool about flirting around with other girls' boyfriends?? Even if you are a good friend of those boys, that's not an excuse! You are a girl yourself. You got your own bf. Leave them alone and BEHAVE!" *sorry if I sound crossed. Just can't handle such poor non-ladylike atittude*--, val read it and asked..

Val
Alen Polii 03 August at 22:19
Weee memplubikasikan kita pe kedodolan. Btw sapa pe blog tu di status na?
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Angel Mogie 03 August at 22:22
ahahahah ada vall.. hhhhhhhhh qt cm nda mangarti kyp ada cewe model bgtu.. sebagai sesama cewe, lumayan irritated qt. walaupun nda ada hak to be angry sih, soale nda ada hub dng qt. heuheuhehuhe.. mar nda suka jo noh model bgt.. not a bitch but acting like almost-the-border-line-of-being-a-bitch.. hahaha so irritating..

guess who's that! ;p

Dari cerita muter2 bingung, sampe akhirnya main tebak2an :p

Alen Polii 03 August at 22:23
Hee nntau le.. Sapa, qt kanal??
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Angel Mogie 03 August at 22:24
menurut nn dang???

*asiiikkkk.. bekeng org penasaran nananananananaaa..*

Valen is teased..haha

Alen Polii 03 August at 22:26
Eeee berdosa, cuma bkng penasaran. I didn't care at first, cuma demi penasaran jo, sapa ini qt kanal kaang??
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and I pretty much enjoyed teasing her :D

Angel Mogie 03 August at 22:27
what do you think?? *wink wink*

Korban menyerah angkat bendera putih..

Alen Polii 03 August at 22:29
I really have no one in mind.. Nda ja iko blog le qt. Hee somo tidor laju jo
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Karena kasiang pa val, qt kase bocoran.. now I am being a good friend rite? :p But I censored the itsy bitsy secrecy parts, replacing them with **CENCORED**. Sorry guys, it's 17++ only!!

Angel Mogie 03 August at 22:33
io.. qt le nda sengaja dapa dp blog.. dp nama starts with **CENSORED**, **CENSORED** huruf.. so banya komang dp clue.. ;)

apparently val is off to bed... ahhhh, gantung.. skrg malah gua yg penasaran!! wkwkwk.. we'll see tomorrow! ;)

Terong Balado

2010-07-19T11:22:00.002-04:00

Another successful 1st attempt =)

(sedikit) mengobati rasa kangen..

2010-07-12T00:10:00.005-04:00

Rica rodo is one of Minahasan cuisines that has its supper yummy savour that makes me drool every time I think of it. Just FYI, "Minahasan" is the maain ethnicity in Manado. So, if someone says "oh itu makanan Manado", it is most likely Minahasan food that they meant. Ahh, I am missing Minahasan delicasies so so soooo badly..

so, yea, today I decided to cook. No other food but that one that I have been craving for since last semester- yes, that one that I mentioned before: RICA RODO
I had to do a little adjustment to the recipie due to the unavailability of some of the ingredients esp the spicies. Yet the result wasnt so bad, actually, better that my expectation.

and let me introduce you... RICA RODO!!!! :D

In case you were wondering what's mixed in that bowl:
- bacon
- green beans
- eggplant
- corn
- (lotssss) of chili
- lemongrass
- onion
- shallot
- ginger
- salt and sugar
- a bit of chicken buillion
- vegetable oil

bon appetite!

Lord, I surrender..

2010-07-02T22:54:00.002-04:00

Fourth of July, to me it is not more than “a week from DAT test”. You could call me an Asian geek if you wish. I wouldn’t be pissed off, neither would I deny it. I am kind of, or kind of very, nerdy. Don’t get me wrong by thinking I love studying- meh. Though, I admit that I always like and second the idea of learning, that there’s no limit of age or time to it. I hold true that there’s no such thing as wasting time when it comes to education. Additionally, knowledge has to be passed on to the next generations for it to be the most useful. That’s also the reason of this rather new passion that sparked in my heart while I am studying in the land of Uncle Sam- becoming a lecturer. It might sound idealistic to you. In fact, it did sound vague to me when my little “hati nurani” spitted out that idea to my brain. I wasn’t expecting my family to take me seriously about that so-called wild dream of mine, considering how corrupted and unappreciative my beloved country is. I have nothing against Indonesia—the land where my soul rests and my love anchors. Otherwise, I wouldn’t want to go back, not to mention teaching, there after being pampered by a good standard of living for two years in the UK and three years (and still counting) in the States. The fact that my home land country is not in a very “good shape” as a nation can only be accepted true by its people. I personally think that keep ignoring the illness of Indonesia will not be any kind of help at all. Fake patriotism, like we all can see in those nonsense s****d extreme groups, is not what our country needs. In order to be strong, we need to understand and admit our weaknesses first. We have too many NATO, No Action Talk Only, in our government and society. Stop talking and complaining! Move your ass and do something!

Uh oh, that was a little off the topic. Where are we now? What were we talking about, again? This always happens every time I start to talk so seriously in my blog *giggle giggle*

Oh ya, me being a geek. That was the topic. I should have just hit directly to it but just as a TV programs have ads, my blog has some little ads about my side thought. Clearly out of the scope, but hey, who cares. It’s my blog anyway. Lol. Anyhow..
Yesterday I was very upset. There were too many these and that happened to me here in Baltimore. I have no intention to not be grateful, after all the blessings I have received from the Lord, I swear! Life is just tough (sure you’ve heard that excuse eh? Ehm). Growing up is not a comfortable experience, I must say. To keep the long whining short and simple— I was in the down-est situation (by far I am here in Baltimore, MD). Many nerve-wracking incidents happened consecutively. Having unbalance emotion due to my monthly period clearly did not help me to feel any easy. I tried (sometimes pretended, to be honest with you) to be wise and told myself that “there’s something good you will learn from all these”. I do believe that there are good stuff worth learning from the challenges I faced. But my human being is just a bulk of flesh. And the size of my heart is, unfortunately, not infinitely big. In tears I trembled. After talking to my dad over the phone I just thought “that would be it. I do not want to stay in the USA for any longer. After Kenyon, I am going home!” Ray video called me afterwards and I just couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I burst in tears, couldn’t even speak straight because I was sobbing so hard. Ray was looking at me in pity. Trying to cheer me up though he knew there’s nothing much he could do but listen to me. I have to deal with it. My soul has to face the fact that the process of maturing is not always delicious, like my favorite banana bread. I was at the point where there is no better person who can help me grasping a better comprehension of my life journey, than myself (with the aid from God, of course). At least, I was lucky enough that technology is so well advanced now, I could have Ray providing me comfort although just virtually. A soul is just like a body, can be exhausted too.

Despite all that theories of “self maturation” and “life journey”, I ended up asking myself: what am I looking for all this time? My ambition to be a great dentist has always been my hiding wall. Every time I felt overwhelmed, I hid behind it. I wasn’t hiding from people. I hid from myself. My brain and my heart were playing their favorite game— hide and seek! I am so ambitious myself that I often ignore my heart. I faked myself out by pretending that I cannot hear my heart screaming, yet can listen to my brain whispering. What is the point of achieving my ambitions while sacrificing the happiness I left behind (at home)? I do not want to take my family for granted for I never know how long I will have them for. I want to be home. I want to be near the ones who my heart belongs to. But giving up on my dream would kill me. I was not raised up that way. How about my life-long motto a man without ambition is like a bird without its wings? I do not know.. Seriously I do not know.. If you asked me, “now, what then?”, I have no clue what my answer should be. I want to study dentistry in the US just as much as I do not want to spend another 4-5 years away from my family. Life is full of tough decisions, isn’t it? I guess the best thing I can do is asking the Man above. Actually not just asking, but let Him decide for me. For he knows my every thoughts and understands me the most.

I don’t know if a plain boring life is much more enjoyable than a rollercoaster-crazy one. I think I’ll just take it as it is then, one at a time.
And Lord, I surrender.

I Don't Wanna Be

2010-06-24T16:35:00.002-04:00

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
I'm the only one who's noticed
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountains
the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay dust stone
and now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I DONT WANNA BE...
I DONT WANNA BE...
I DONT WANNA BE...
I DONT WANNA BE ANYTHING...
ANYTHING OTHER THAN ME...
I don't wanna be...
I dont't wanna be...
I don't wanna be ...

By. Gavin DeGraw

Need HIS favor

2010-06-22T11:05:00.002-04:00

Only have 17 days left to study this MUCH for my DAT test. Kind of freaked out now and, of course, stressed out! God have mercy on me, please..

2010-06-20T16:17:00.001-04:00

not looking forward for Tuesday :(

Boys

2010-06-15T12:38:00.007-04:00

The worst feeling you can give to your girlfriend is when you abandon her and the love of two of you for someone new who is phisically more attractive than her.

"Hey, what a new gossip about Angel to talk about!"-- sorry, you shouldn't be too excited! My dodo is not that kind of guy. At least, to my best of knowledge, he isn't a type of guy who can easily be close to new people regardless of the gender. Even, he admitted that he's kind of terrible in communicating with new people (maklum, nick namenya aja "si galak" :p). His lack of sensitivity and highly concentrated "cuek-ness" wracked my nerves a little bit when we just started dating each other. But I trully appreciated his attempts to change. And I realized that it is actually my benefit to have a boy who is not "berbibir manis" ;)

The girl isn't my friend. I knew her because her ex-boyfriend is my buddy. Yes, that bad boy is my friend. In fact, he's a very good friend of mine. He explained to me what actually happened and how hard the situation was for him, that he did not mean to hurt the girl. I understood and have simpathy for him, but I still think he is a B*****D in some ways.

Love is not all about the pounding heart and great feelings that weaken your knees. Understanding, accepting, and serving each other are the three basic needs that ought to be fulfilled for love to be called LOVE.

wish you all the best, girl!

Maaf

2010-06-14T11:49:00.003-04:00

Kalau esok aku tiada
bukan berarti amarah meraja
bukan pula bukti aku tak bahagia
Aku hanya lelah, lelah berjuang sendiri saja, merana

Jiwa ini bagai rusa muda
haus dia mencari sungai entah dimana
Kokoh kakinya berlari lewati lembah
tanpa sadari jutaan maut di depan sana

Kadang kubertanya
dosakah bila ambisiku terpesona?
Aku, terpukau dengan citra dunia
gemerlap menyiksa butakan manusia

Tapi menyerah itu dongeng belaka
matipun tak rela ku tundukkan ini kepala
Apa ini mimpi ku peluk saja?
sekuat tenaga, sampai senja, kubawa ke neraka

atau ke surga
walau hampa..

Summer in the Land of Mary

2010-06-02T10:29:00.003-04:00

Here I am in Baltimore, the Land of Mary aka Maryland! Having to spend the weekend with Ray, Val, and Arya was a great summer break- though it was very short.

Now I am back to 'normal' life. What I mean by normal is a student geeky life. By God's grace I got a research in University of Maryland School of Medicine (UMB). I am in Dr. Svetlana Chapoval's lab at the moment, working with a Post-doc student from Cameroon (who is extremly kind :). The Microbiology and Immunology lab I am working in is very interesting (tho' it's a bit intimidating coz it's so big and full with post-doc students and MD-PhD Profs.). To keep the story short, our lab focuses on sema 4D proteins and its relation to asthma and lung cancer. Having to experienced the harshness of asthma couple of years ago, the excitement to be part of this lab is all over me!

I am trully blessed. Not only that I got a spot for summer research in such a big university, which dental school is the BEST in the US, but also God helped me through this SUPER kind lady who welcomed me to stay at her house during my 2-months research. I call her Marjorie. She is the assistant vice president of research in UMB and lives 10-mins away from where I work. Not only that I do not have to spend money on housing, but also she offers me a ride! I told ya', she's a super kind lady! :)
She gives me a ride every Tues and Thurs morning, on Mon Wed and Fri I catch the train because she leaves the house at 6am on those days (too early for a non-morning person like me). Going home is much easier. I get out of the lab at around 5.30pm and she is finished with work at 6pm. Half an hour waiting is really not a big of a deal. Her house is so big that I got scared at night when she is already on bed. Yea I am a chicken I know. The thing about her house is, it's not only big but it's an old (yet elegant) wooden house. Now you cannot make fun of me! Doger is her lovely 13-years old black labrador- a spoiled plumpy dog who loves getting a belly rub ;D

So here goes my summer story. It's going to be a Mon-to-Fri lab from 9am-5.30pm, studying for DAT test in the evenings, church on Sunday, and some experiments on new recipies maybe? It's going to be a busy yet fun and productive summer. I hope this excitement lasts until the 7th of August!

Thank you God for taking a good care of me.

~angel

Recipes

2010-04-05T15:15:00.001-04:00

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/whatsfordinner

want to try these recipes out! :)

senandung

2010-03-24T16:48:00.004-04:00

Kulalui hari dengan jiwa yang resah
bertanya adakah berharga kuperjuangkan ini semua
Tak kupahami maksud hati, apa maunya
memang begini adanya, apa daya bila merana

Esok enggan kujelang
karena beratnya hari tak sanggup ku papah
Kalau harus kubiarkan melodi itu berdendang
kan ikut bernyanyi aku, bernyanyi sampai lelah

Apa itu baik, apa itu bijaksana?
terlalu naif mudaku ini tuk pahami makna
Ternyata yang baik itu memang tak selalu indah
hidup tak pernah janji dia kan selalu bahagia

Bahkan laut tak menjamin tiada badai di indahnya samudra
angin sepoi pun bisa marah dan luluh lantak kan semua
bumi sumber kehidupan, bergoncang dia dan renggut jiwa
bagaimana harus kutahu kalau harus begini akhirnya

jiwa yang indah akan selalu ada di sana
di tanganNya kuletakkan cintaku yang seutuhnya

aku rela..
benarkah?

Happy (very) belated birthday daddy!

2010-03-10T16:19:00.002-05:00

Elus dada

2010-02-17T21:17:00.003-05:00

I was really upset today.

Life is full of surprises. Some are good and some are bad, if not heart breaking. I did not expect to hear such bad news from home. I don't understand him. He needs to grow up!

can't wait!

2010-02-10T18:11:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since the last time I wrote. I have been abandoning my blog, I know. Being a junior at college is busier that I thought it would be. I am taking six classes this semester, including an independent lab. Plus, having a boyfriend clearly takes your time as well (not to mention the energy used!).

It is still snowing outside. So much snow since last Friday and I have never seen this much snow in my life. We have got about 1 foot tall of snow perhaps and it doesn't happen often. I kinda like winter this year. Yesterday Sally and I went sledding for the first time. Man, that was so much funnnnnn.. Though the snow kinda bite my butt but I just enjoyed playing in the snow. Didn't realize it until yesterday. How "udik" I am. lol. So yea, Sally, Phan, and I and maybe couple of other friends are going to sled again this coming Friday. This time we are going to a hill near Kenyon- we need a steeper hill to bust our adrenalin! I am already super excited for that! Can't wait! :)

Valentine is coming. I wasn't expecting to do anything special during that day. My boy isn't a Shakespeare (read: far from romantic!) that's what I know for sure. He asked me on Sunday what I wanted for Valentine and he answered his own question saying "Let's go out for a dinner!". I did not take it seriously, cause I know who he is. And I just don't want to put too much hope I guess. But guess what! Yesterday he told me that he already booked a restaurant. I was surprised, indeed! I can see that he is trying his best to be less of a "cuek" boyfriend and I really appreciate it hon! =) Although the only seats available are at 9.45pm, I don't mind at all. His intention is the true gift for me. That is one thing that most boys don't understand about a girl. We, girls, or at least me, are not looking for expensive gifts. We just want to see your intention and efforts! Your sincerity is what makes us feel loved. Little surprises? Those are the best! Doesn't have to be fancy at all. Just show us that you do care about us and want to make us smile, surely you'll make us melt!

A birthday surprise last year and now a valentine dinner is on its way. Let's see how it will go. He is graduating soon and most likely going home for good if he found no job upon graduation. I just want to have a good time with my boo. Just want to embrace the remaining time we have together to the most. So ya, something to be excited about! Can't wait!

Pyrosequencing

2009-12-09T01:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYAGFrbGl6E

fascinating molecular biology stuff!!

Heartless

2009-12-06T20:58:00.001-05:00

HIV Man Injects Sleeping Wife With Own Blood

An HIV-positive man has confessed to injecting his blood into his sleeping wife and infecting her with the virus that can cause Aids, reports have said. Skip related content
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It is believed the man wanted to give her the disease so she would start having sex with him again, New Zealand's Sunday Star-Times said.

Court documents detailed how the man, 35, twice pricked his 33-year-old wife with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood.

The husband discovered he was HIV-positive - but his partner and children were not - during health checks imposed on them when the family arrived in New Zealand in 2004.

The woman had said she wanted to maintain the relationship for the sake of the children.

But she refused to have sex with her husband for fear of contracting the disease.

In the documents, the wife described how, in May, 2008, she found a sting-like mark on her left thigh and two days later awoke to a stinging feeling in her leg.

She said: "I got up... and I flicked the blankets... I looked at (the husband) and he was wide awake."

The wife asked him if he had pricked her and he said, 'No'. But she later found evidence of "blood sprinkles" on their duvet, which she said her husband tried to hide from her.

During a routine check-up four months later, doctors revealed she was HIV-positive.

The woman confronted her husband, who admitted dipping a needle in his blood and pricking her with it.

"All he said (was) he was sorry. He said, 'I used needles on you because I wanted you to be the same as me so that you can live with me and you won't leave me'," she said.

The husband has admitted wilfully infecting another with a disease and faces up to 14 years in jail when he is sentenced at Auckland High Court next year.

5th Dec 2009, 11:22 am

from SkyNews
© Sky News 2009

the birthday card

2009-12-01T18:48:00.003-05:00

When I met you,
I wasn't planning on falling in love.
I wasn't planning on feeling so attracted to someone,
but you awakened feelings inside me
that I'd forgotten existed.
When I met you,
I didn't realize
how much our love would grow
that the attraction that first brought us together
would reach beyond passion
to the comfort of knowing
I have someone special,
someone who is not only my lover
but my close friend.

When I met you,
I had no idea
where our relationship would lead us,
how beautiful you would make my world.
But now I know without a doubt...
the luckiest day of my life
was the day that I met you.

~RA